Paul Lipman

A warm welcome. 

Following 6 initial years with organisations such as MIND Ive now had more than a decade in my own practice helping couples and individuals solve the most longstanding of issues. Importantly not tools and techniques but core change: Emotionally, Behaviourally, Psychologically, out of trauma and negative belief systems. 

My training is across all mainstream therapies, psychology and trauma science, however what made the difference in knowing how to help people change didn’t come from books. It came from the process of solving my own long term anxiety, a constant fear/ flight response, poor connection to my emotions, and a lack of confidence from a traumatic early life. 

I know exactly what it's like to be sat feeling awkward, having no idea where to start or what to say, or how to change, As a result of my experience I shaped my approach with know how, my natural patience and will guide you through therapy when helpful,  ensuring you can focus on how to achieve change - you talking alone is not enough.  

 Also knowing how difficult it can be to get to the place you want, I am both sensitive and encouraging, while gently challenging of old ways and beliefs, so going at a pace that works for you.

I also know that with some difficulties a little extra support is needed between sessions. Both to help at the toughest of times and to keep making progress. That is why I offer this and at no extra cost. 

All my work is a heartfelt passing on of the kind of therapy and care that changed me and my life. 

.RELATIONSHIP / COUPLES THERAPY  DETAILS IS MUCH FURTHER DOWN THE PAGE)

ABOUT YOUR DIFFICULTIES (a full list of what I help with is further down)  

People I help come desperately wanting to feel comfortable and settled, enjoy mental wellbeing, live confidently and authentically.  Yet I’m regularly helping with the following challenges: 

• Feeling,  scared, constantly anxious, panic, flat, overwhelmed or nothing at all.
• Shame for having and expressing normal emotions.
• Are stuck with beliefs about themselves which hold them back and limit their life.  (including constant self criticism) 
• Have exhausting, angry, harmful or unhealthy ways of coping. 
• React in ways which hurt themselves and those they love.
• Are stuck in past events or with Trauma symptoms.
• Live with guilt, shame or an inner critic and which controls their lives
• Cannot get on with their life because of neglect or abuse, now or from childhood. 
• Those who cannot manage their emotions and behaviours. 
• Those with BPD, EUPD, Bipolar, and ADHD symptoms. 

Most clients I help have already tried to shift the problem, by thinking or behaving differently. Maybe you've already worked really-hard on changing yourself or even tried other therapies. And this may have worked ... for a while. Yet you keep finding yourself in the same place.  

WHY THIS WORKS

• I  draw from all mainstream evidenced based approaches to therapy, psychology, and trauma and neuroscience - So I'm never guessing!
• I also know from my time in therapy and from the years of helping that to see real change in how we feel, think, cope and what we believe about ourselves we have to find the roots of our difficulties. If not we are only ever addressing symptoms. 
• I deeply understand how unconsciously our earlier experiences can continue to silently play a part in our current difficulties. They lead us to form patterns ( which are fixed habits and ways without conscious thought) and some of which keep us stuck and from finding our own answers. 
• There can be no change without you having a new experience. Talking without experience only goes so far. Thats why I include experiential learning where the power of new living experiences and change happens in the room and is developed between sessions  until your new ways become a natural part of who you are. 

And vitally..... 

FOCUSING 

You will learn how to go past the busyness. of thinking, intellectually analysing, feelings and emotions to be able to understand the core issues and needs you have to be able to solve you difficulties. Something once learned you can use in you every day life. 

NOT ISOLATING SYMPTOMS

  Instead I look to how everything unconsciously for you connects together ( your thinking, feelings, behaviours, beliefs, experiences and your history) to create your difficulties, enabling you to understand for yourself how they form.

In this way you raise your own self awareness to deeper levels of self- knowledge, your deeper needs, and choices which with new responses to yourself and the world create the shifts in you, solving your current difficulties and giving you the ability to meet your own future needs.

ADDITIONAL SPECIALIST HELP - TRAUMA

I also have specialist training for those with PTSD / CPTSD, who have suffered emotional or physical abuse including when from childhood, rape, and those with specific issues such as UEPD/ BPD.  

WHAT YOU CAN ALSO EXPECT 

At the end of therapy you can also expect to feel:

• Grounded and more present in life
• Able to understand and control powerful emotions
• You can set and complete goals
• Better able to relate to others 
• Resilient to lifes pressures
• Less tied to old patterns of behaviour 
• Free to express yourself and your needs
• Release from historic shame or guilt
• Feel confident in who you are and your value
   

MY FIRST STEP
I’ll also never forget how taking the first step can be daunting. For me it felt huge and I was scared about breaking down, being honest and I had no idea about counselling or where to start. And many of my clients tell me they also feel some of that, and you may too. However you don't have to keep suffering or going it alone.

TAKING THE FIRST STEP

-  Call me with any questions or to arrange a  Free initial meeting 

Understandably asking for help can be difficult. That's why I will make time for you if you call with any questions ,to find out more, before deciding what you wish to do. Or you are very welcome to arrange to come along and meet me without cost or obligation.

ABOOUT THE INITIAL MEETING

The initial meeting is an informal opportunity for me to understand what it is you want and to explain all about what it will like working together and what's involved. .. And if I believe another kind of help is more suited to your needs I will say and explain why , as I don't want either of us to be disappointed.  In your time you can decide if you think counselling is right for you.

Should you be interested my site is : https://wholepsychology.org.uk/. 

Marriage and Relationship (There are also posts on my website that you could find helpful guidance)

This is an area of counselling I am passionate about. Not just because it is well suited to my knowledge and experience, but because I see how many relationships end or struggle needlessly.

Many I help often arrive feeling frustrated, hurt, disappointed, angry, misunderstood and lonely, and yet go on to enjoy a relationship stronger than if they had never had their problems in the first place.

Whilst there is no road map to what is right for all, as each couple want something different, what I do know is that when we replace judgement with understanding of each other and ourselves, and combine this with a respectful and open conversation it is possible to find answers you didn't think possible, and make the lasting changes you want for yourselves.

I have an approach which is both comprehensive and sensitive knowing how tough it can be to talk about what is very private and no interest whatsoever in who has done what or taking sides or finger pointing. My only interest is your relationship.

I will help you make the changes you want in the room:

Communication

I will teach you advanced communication skills. These will enable you to listen to each other in ways that ensure your concerns are heard and understood, and to be able to respond to each other in ways that bring you closer and can keep even the most difficult of conversations flowing to a solution.

Relationship development

All relationships go through different stages of development. It doesn't matter if you have been together for 6 months or 20+ years. Sometimes life and family come along and delay any changes. During these times partners can often feel their partner is changing or doesn't care, when this isn't the case. I will help you understand the different stages and how to support each other through them.

Triggers & Individual patterns

When you communicate and in your daily lives there will be some things you say and do which create negative reactions in each other.  I will help you identify these and to see when these come from your individual past history - and to find new approaches which avoid these.

These will often appear as anxiety, control, angry reactions, shouting, walking away, feeling misunderstood, slamming doors or withdrawing from each other.

Passion, love and attraction.

Understand how you trigger positive feelings in yourself and each other,  and how they don’t disappear but how you turn them on and off. 

Wounds and repairing damage

It may be that words have been said or you have done something to hurt your partner and break trust.  It is important these are addressed up front because without healing it isn't possible to make progress.  I will help you to know how to support each other during these times so you can repair the damage.

Intimacy

Intimacy is often thought of as sexual contact and whilst this can be an important part of a relationship, intimacy it is far more. It is about being open about and sharing feelings, thoughts, concerns and joy and allowing your partner to see these in you.  I will help you develop ways which create intimacy and allow you feel more connected and part of something more than yourself. 

The relationship

There are three in your relationship. You, your partner and your relationship. Think of it as a flower. If you do not feed it what it needs, whilst it might limp along it will eventually whither and die. I will help you work out how to have enough of what you individually need, and be able to feed your relationship without it becoming a competition.

Real change

None of all the above matters if you cant make real change happen. That's why my approach is to make change happen in the room, and keep it going with exercises and ways you can continue to go forward between sessions.

If you have the desire and willingness to put in the work I am confident you can bring your relationship to a place of trust, affection, fun, feeling supported and intimacy. Why am I confident? Because I see how this is possible no matter where couples start from.

If you would like to find out more, or if I can help you, please feel free to contact me for an initial informal conversation. We can do this by phone or video link.

The system isn't sophisticated enough to put £0 fee for the initial session. Ongoing fees are: 

• No Charge initial meeting 
•  Individual fees (60mins) £75. 
• Couples fees (70mins) £115

Caterham (CR3) - Situated in a peaceful location 250 meters from Caterham main line station and the High Street and 2 miles from junction 6 M25.

WHY THIS APPROACH TO THERAPY WORKS:

INDIVIDUAL
I deeply understand we are shaped by our early relationships, culture and environment and how these lead to forming patterns needed back then and which we carry into adult life. Some of those patterns are no longer needed and are the root cause of getting stuck and now cause difficulties leading to every kind of symptom - Change the pattern and solve the symptom.  Whilst the idea is easy to understand it is much harder to solve something you cannot see, know how to do or because as part of the work we have to go against learnt ways and early life programming which is hard to do alone and uncomfortable at times because we run straight into a pattern and the cycle continues.

RELATIONSHIPS

The majority of models are based on providing a safe space to explore your difficulties and use therapeutic interventions which alone can take a very long time to have any effect.  My model addresses advanced communication techniques, gives you knowledge, which alone can change so many aspects of your relationship for the better and at its core helps you learn how to be successful in your relationship putting you both in the driving seat and allows any healing and repair that is needed. You also have a clear step by step plan which enables you to take into your life all you gain so you can make progress between sessions.