Relationships and our wellbeing
Relationships – whether romantic or platonic – can bring happiness, fulfilment and support to our lives. Strong connections with partners, family, friends and colleagues can contribute to our sense of wellbeing and belonging.
For many of us, relationships can be an important source of love, support and companionship. Research suggests that strong social connections can have a positive impact on our mental and physical wellbeing. The quality of our relationships matters too, with supportive relationships linked to better mental health and wellbeing.
Healthy, supportive relationships can take time and effort. Sometimes even our most meaningful relationships can experience difficulties. Losing an important connection can be painful and may leave you feeling lonely, disappointed or confused about what happened.
Relationship Counsellor and BACP Registered Counsellor (Postgrad Dip Counselling), Jennifer Warwick, explains more about relationship counselling, why people seek therapy for their relationships, and how talking with a relationship counsellor can help you.
In some cases, our relationships may not meet our expectations, which can affect our happiness and life satisfaction. For others, they may crave companionship yet find it very difficult to come by. Whatever the relationship issue, there is help available.
Relationship counselling is an option you can undertake together as a couple, or as an individual. It provides a space to talk about your concerns and needs, and to explore what you want from your relationships. Many relationships can be improved by counselling, even if there is no clear problem or issue.
Through speaking with a professional relationship counsellor, you can learn more about yourself, your partner, your friends, or your relationship. You can better understand each other's needs while receiving support and guidance that can help enhance and even strengthen your relationship.
Why are healthy relationships important?
Humans are naturally very sociable. We enjoy the company of others and crave positive interactions and meaningful friendships. Positive relationships and social connections can play an important role in our wellbeing.
What makes a healthy relationship?
What makes a good relationship will look different for everyone. We may value different things depending on the relationship and what matters to us. For many people, trust, respect, support, companionship and feeling able to communicate openly can all be important parts of a healthy relationship.
Every relationship is different but there are main factors that contribute to strong relationships. A good relationship comes with a level of mindfulness that makes you aware of what you say and do and that helps to support a strong relationship.
- Alina Apopei, MBACP (Acred), Relationship issues counselling
All relationships are unique. There are several characteristics that generally are a sign that you have a strong, healthy connection with someone. These may include:
Trust: Trust can be an important part of healthy relationships, helping people communicate openly and feel secure with each other.
Mindfulness: If you’re mindful of what you do and say, and of the other person’s needs, you’re more likely to maintain strong relationships. Issues can arise if you let your negative emotions affect others, or if you aren’t thinking of them. Remember, it’s a two-way street.
Mutual respect: Mutual respect can involve recognising each other's needs, values and boundaries.
Good communication: Being honest and open with others can help you to connect deeply and build long-lasting bonds.
Counsellors can help you to better understand where and why things may have gone wrong in your relationship, and how you can overcome these problems. A counsellor can help you explore what may be causing difficulties in your relationship and what you would like to change. This might include looking at communication, trust, boundaries or other issues that are important to you.
Common relationship problems
Many different types of problems can arise in a relationship. These can vary depending on your unique circumstances and relationship dynamics. A relationship therapist can work with you together as a couple, separately as individuals, or with just one of you. While we may all be different, there are some common relationship issues that people frequently seek relationship counselling for.
Common types of relationship issues include:
Affairs, betrayals and infidelity
Betraying your spouse, partner, or close friend can cause a great deal of damage to your relationship by weakening or destroying that sense of trust. Whether it’s through infidelity, financial secrets, hidden addiction, or something else, betrayal can feel heartbreaking and can lead to relationships ending.
There can be many factors surrounding infidelity. Counselling can offer a neutral space to explore what has happened, how each person feels and what they would like to happen next.
Separation and divorce
Sometimes couples may decide to separate or divorce, or may have already decided that ending the relationship is right for them. Separation counselling can offer a supportive space to explore feelings, practical concerns and what each person would like to happen next. It can also help people navigate changes and move forward in a way that works for them and their family, particularly when children are involved.
Arguments and communication issues
Some couples may find that over time, the number of arguments they are having increases, or that their communication begins to break down. Frequent arguments over little things like taking the rubbish out or whose turn it is to cook can be a sign of deeper issues that you may feel unable to express, or that you may not be entirely aware of, such as building resentment, anger, or sadness.
Different communication styles can also cause difficulties. One or both people may feel unheard, which can lead to assumptions and negative feelings. While we all know the importance of communication, figuring out how to identify where things have gone wrong and how to make positive, impactful and lasting changes can be difficult.
Trauma
Traumatic life events can have a significant impact on relationships. Whether individual or shared, while some people cope by pulling together, others find themselves pushing their partner away or feeling like their relationship is being pulled apart. These can all be natural reactions to big, upsetting events. Talking things through with a therapist can help you to process things, find new ways to communicate how you are feeling with your partner, and work through your trauma together.
Sexual issues or lack of intimacy
Decreasing intimacy, sexual issues, or a lack of physical intimacy can lead to miscommunication and hurt feelings. One partner may feel undesirable, while another may feel shame or guilt. Any number of different problems can lead to sexual issues and a lack of intimacy within a relationship. While some issues may need to be addressed through your GP to rule out other medical problems, there are also many common psychological factors that can lead to a decreased sex drive, such as depression, stress, and even anxiety.
Relationship concerns before marriage
Some couples choose counselling before marriage to talk about their relationship and prepare for changes they may experience in the future. Pre-nuptial counselling can offer a space to discuss expectations, communication and potential challenges, such as becoming parents or other significant life changes.
Family issues
Our relationships with family members are important to us. When these become strained, they can cause pain and disappointment. In some cases, it may be one family member that is causing a rift, or it could be a previous disagreement or a number of issues that have built up over time and have never been properly dealt with.
For couples with children, differing parenting styles, discontent with the role you have fallen into (for example, when one parent always has to play the ‘bad guy’ and one gets to be the ‘fun parent’), or even just struggling to adapt to your growing family can all cause tension and strain.
Cross-cultural relationships
People in relationships can come from different cultures and backgrounds, which may shape their beliefs, values and expectations. Sometimes these differences can lead to misunderstandings or disagreements. Counselling can offer couples a space to understand each other’s perspectives, talk through their differences and find ways to move forward together.
Unequal responsibilities
Some couples may find that responsibilities within their relationship feel unequal. For example, one person may struggle to make plans or take on everyday responsibilities, while the other takes on more of the practical tasks or decision-making. Over time, this imbalance can contribute to stress, resentment or difficulties with communication.
These relationship dynamics are sometimes described using the informal terms Peter Pan and Wendy syndrome. These are not recognised mental health diagnoses, but the terms may be used to describe patterns of behaviour where responsibility within a relationship becomes unbalanced.
How can counselling help with relationship problems?
Relationship counselling can help you not only improve your relationship but also improve the way you relate to and understand those around you. Working with a relationship therapist can help you to break free from old, unhealthy patterns of behaviour, and to find new ways of expressing yourself and your feelings.
You can have relationship counselling on your own or with a partner. What works for you will depend on your situation and what you hope to gain from counselling.
Sometimes, you may feel that you’ve lost your sense of self within a relationship. Individual counselling can give you space to explore how you’re feeling without judgement. At other times, you may choose to attend counselling together, where you can talk in a private and neutral space.
Trust, respect and communication can all play an important part in a healthy relationship. When something happens that changes or impacts one of these factors, the relationship can start to break down. Sometimes relationships aren’t meant to be, and you separate, and that’s OK. If you want to work through it and rebuild your bond, that’s OK too.
Counselling can support you through a breakup or separation, help you explore relationship difficulties and better understand yourself.
Does relationship counselling work?
Relationship counselling can offer a supportive space to explore what is happening in your relationship, understand each other’s perspectives and consider what you would like to change. What you get from counselling will depend on your individual circumstances, your relationship and what you hope to achieve.
Couples counselling may help you gain a different perspective on your relationship and find new ways to communicate, but there is no guarantee of a particular outcome. Talking about relationship difficulties can sometimes feel uncomfortable or bring up strong emotions. A counsellor can support you as you explore these feelings and consider what feels right for you and your relationship.
Finding support for relationship problems
Relationship difficulties can affect us in different ways, and you don’t have to wait until things reach a crisis point to seek support. Whether you want to work through a particular issue, improve communication or better understand your relationship, counselling can give you space to explore what’s happening and what you would like to do next.
If you’re considering relationship counselling, you can use our directory to find a qualified counsellor who works with relationship problems.
