The cost of emotionless connection

Why is it so difficult to sit with how I feel?


When did this happen?

Why haven't I noticed this before?

What am I afraid of?

These are some of the questions you may begin to ask yourself after another emotionless connection. However, how did you get here in the first place?

It can be difficult to hear people describe you as cold, aloof and emotionless. Often hearing yourself being described in such a way can evoke feelings of anger, resentment, shame and even guilt.

You may even begin to feel detached from both yourself and from others around you.

This could be by choice to avoid the feelings that are being evoked when described in such a manner. The fear of being seen for who you really are and the consequences of such exposure.  

It could be that you find yourself being rejected time and time again; so you have learnt a way to keep yourself safe in your emotionless bubble. Always on the peripheral edge of relationships, friendships, family, intimate relationships, working relationships etc.

You may even begin to tell yourself lies. Kid yourself that you don't care and that people only let you down anyway. You are safer that way. Ultimately you reject people before they reject you. It's just easier that way.

As humans we are social creatures; we are intrinsically wired for connection. The irony...

We may even begin to form maladaptive coping strategies to fulfil this need; this emptiness that we feel in our quest to attach and feel something more than just ourselves.

Engaging in affairs, abusive relationships, gambling, drinking excessively, substance misuse, submerging yourself in work or the affairs of others; to name but a few. All to fill the space and make the void more tolerable.

What happens when these pre-occupations begin to bite? When the object of your fulfilment becomes the abuser.

The affair loses it's thrill and excitement and wants more than what you can give to yourself let alone another. The relationships are beginning to take casualties, children, marriages, family and friends yet you still repeat the same cycle time and time again.

The substances want more than your body and soul can handle and leave you hung, drawn and quartered and still leaves you begging for more. The workload gets too much; leaving you on your on your knees and still you kid yourself you can take one more load.

The engagement into other peoples lives is leaving you feeling frustrated and resentful wandering why are they just not taking my advice. But your there time and time again picking up the mess they have made.

All this to avoid how you are feeling. How it really feels to be you and experience the world around you.

Seeking professional counselling can help to make sense of why you find it difficult to express emotion and empower you to challenge your fear of rejection and connection. Provide support for you to consider and make sense of the emotions you are feeling. Where you can begin to make the ultimate connection; with yourself.

The views expressed in this article are those of the author. All articles published on Counselling Directory are reviewed by our editorial team.

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St. Neots PE19 & Bedford MK40
Written by Donna West, MBACP (Accred)ACTO (Snr) Psychotherapist/Clinical supervisor
St. Neots PE19 & Bedford MK40

I have worked with an array of clients whom have accessed counselling for varying reasons that they feel are inhibiting them from living an authentic life. My role within the therapeutic relationship is to work alongside an individual to facilitate self-exploration and consider alternative routes that may lay before them.

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