Reflecting on estrangement at Christmas

For a plethora of reasons, offspring can be forced to make a confusing decision to stop contact with their families or parts of their family, usually due to the family environment not being safe, perhaps alcoholism, interpersonal violence, physical and emotional violence, sexual abuse and neglect have been present. It is a very painful and traumatic decision to make to cut off contact, and often for the survival of the offspring involved.

Detaching from the family home can be a very frightening experience in itself, needing to find escape routes and timing often at night or early morning, can lead to carefully planned movements for success, with little certainty of the unknown that lies ahead.

Despite historical abuses taking place leading to the need to escape, parents can create a false reality of love and concern, construing the escaped offspring as heartless for not keeping in contact, although their reason for leaving would be very difficult and painful for them, considering that all children although perhaps now adults, need guidance, care and consistency. Why would someone want to remain in a household where their individuality, needs and futures are not recognised and supported? Transgenerational transmission of trauma is so easily passed on and new generations not being prepared to act as storage batteries or as objects for this to be vented, is certainly a sign of health. 

Many people end up on the street escaping from their home country and seeking asylum but also from their family home, including a fair share of service men and women at street level. Despite no single family being free of profound difficulties, in my experience, the estranged person can often be subject to stigma and questioning, regarding why they don’t contact their family, especially at Christmas.

It is evident that many people who come to realise that they need to lose contact with their families for safety’s sake, feel their losses, especially at Christmas, traditionally a time of year when families meet together. There is often considerable pressure on estranged members of the family to get in contact with their parents from whom they have escaped, to almost keep up appearances despite the often unacknowledged hurt that they feel inside. There is often an expectation to forget the reasons for the hurt as dual realities are created – what is written in emails, texts and letters and the hurt that has been perpetrated don’t match.

I think that estranged family members need more understanding and acceptance from society at large, it is surely a normal response to leave an unsafe environment, yet estranged people are often treated with suspicion and distancing. It may be a very isolating experience to be on one’s own at Christmas and a few words of kindness can go a long way.