How good are you at mentalising? Mentalisation and attachment

Mentalisation describes our ability to understand our mental state as well as that of others. It is your capacity to step outside of yourself and to look at yourself with a more reflective and dispassionate eye from the outside in.

Doing this enables us to discover more about our internal process; we learn what we are thinking, feeling and doing, and why we are having these internal experiences. Mentalisation is also the ability to look at others with curiosity, being able to consider their responses and understand why they behave in a certain way. Being able to reflect well on our internal experiences is a strong marker for attachment security in relationships and also for our ability to raise secure children.

Mentalisation is a concept in the field of attachment theory. Those people with a secure attachment generally are able to appreciate and reflect well on the mental states of others as well as their own. Conversely, those with insecure attachments are more likely to struggle with visualising their own and other people’s state of mind.

The capacity to mentalise well is an ability that we learn when growing up. If our parents are good 'mentalisers', they will be good at tuning in to our emotional and physical needs as an infant, child or teenager and they will know how to respond appropriately. If parents do this well, they raise children who learn to be independent as well as healthily dependent on others. Also, these parents will raise children who are able to have a good insight into their own thoughts, feelings and behaviours as well those of others. Developing these skills enables children to turn into adults who are strong at being empathic, and curious about other people’s motivation and understanding of others- while also knowing which behaviour is unacceptable.

In relationships where one or both partners struggle with mentalisation, there is likely to be a higher level of conflict as one or both partners find it difficult to try to understand their partner’s point of view or their differing perspectives. With stronger developed mentalisation skills, we develop more capacity to envision multiple perspectives, to expand our own repertoire of understanding. As we have different upbringings and life experiences, there is necessarily always a gap between my perspective and that of my partner; we can only over-try to approximate each other’s understanding of the world through effective communication.

Stress is the enemy of good mentalising capacity. When stressed we are in fight/flight/freeze mode and our capacity for connection with another person goes out of the window. We are simply concerned with survival and do not have the ability to take on board what others are thinking or feeling.  

Couples who experience high levels of stress or distress usually struggle with their capacity to mentalise. They are frequently not in tune with their own internal experiences, never mind those of their partner. The result is often higher levels of conflict in the relationship. In order to resolve conflict in this scenario both partners need to be enabled to lower their stress levels in order to be able to have a mentalising stance. Without this, both partners merely restate their own levels of distress but cannot come to a mutual resolution. Resolving conflict always entails a certain amount of mentalising. I might not agree with my partner's stance but I can try to approximate it and understand it. Equally, I need to have a greater awareness of my own triggers and motivations. This gives me greater freedom and choice.

Therapy enables clients to develop stronger mentalisation skills, either individually or as a couple. Mentalisation is not only a skill but also an attitude: I want to understand myself and others better. Strong mentalisation skills enable us to develop stronger, more secure relationships through being more mind minded. If I can ‘read’ other people better, I have greater choice in pitching my own responses in the light of these ‘readings’. This in turn facilitates stronger and more positive relationships.