Counselling for neurodiverse couples

Over two decades as a counsellor and 10 years working with neurodiverse couples have shown me that there are recurring themes in couples who think very differently from each other (the type of relationship where one partner is high functioning on the autistic spectrum and the other partner is non-autistic).

These difficult recurring themes are created by two people whose brains work differently. Very often each partner will blame the other but it is never just one person's fault. The problems come from a lack of understanding of the fundamental difference between how each partner thinks. They each want to be understood but can't find a way of fully connecting with each other while they don't understand there is an actual difference in their brains. It is like one is speaking Japanese and the other is speaking French and although they understand the words of each other's language they can't understand the nuance.

Commonly both partners end up feeling misunderstood and unloved. It feels impossible to get out of this loop as resolution cannot be found without further damage to each partner. Conversations become clunky, circular and often end badly with the AS partner feeling overwhelmed and the non-autistic partner feeling unheard.  

They can get stuck in the ordeal of the relationship, loving but not leaving until one or the other finds it untenable to continue. They will sometimes check out while remaining in the relationship and by doing so further injure their partner by showing a lack of interest or care, effectively stonewalling them. Or they may suddenly consider ending it.

This is when one partner may look for a counsellor with significant expertise in neurodiverse couples (a word of caution here – a counsellor who is encouraging an AS partner to look at their feelings and does not make correct adjustments for the way their brain works can create further damage to the couple).

There is often a great deal of love between these couples and the glimpses of sweet times keep them where they are while not knowing what to do to resolve their difficulties. There is often a lot of inadvertent wounding that goes on in the day-to-day. Many describe this as ‘death by a thousand cuts’. The hope for better times often keeps them together.

It is only when each partner understands how the other partner’s brain works that they have a real chance to live in harmony, to understand each other more fully and to move forward with acceptance.

Acceptance will not be possible until the understanding is complete. This may sound easier than it is in reality but with perseverance and good quality expert guidance from your counsellor it is possible to solve what can seem like an enormous unsolvable painful puzzle.

Couple clients often start counselling sessions seeing their differences as being a huge problem. My aim is for these differences to be seen as a strength by the time counselling ends, for there to be more light-heartedness and fascination in each other - ‘oh wow that’s so interesting that you think that way I would never have thought about it like that’. It is the counsellor's job to aid the understanding of different thinking so that those same differences that created so many problems can now dove-tail together to make a strong and successful relationship.  

Once the acceptance of difference is there, the relationship has a chance to flourish.