You are who you are

Why try to be someone else when you can be you? There may be times in our lives when we yearn to be another version of ourselves, leading to evoked anger within and resentment towards others. Inside our minds, we’re not comfortable with ourselves.

There are many influences around us when young. Some of today's influencers to younger people can include: grime artists, glamour models with slim bodies, gymnasiums, tv programmes such as love island, and of course close friends or family. Sadly sometimes when comparing we can fall short and then lead ourselves into not feeling good enough. 

A period when the intensity and need of being outside of self can be in its extremity is during adolescence. There is an identity stage in transition. Adolescence to adulthood brings challenges. For example, coming home from school with a plaster on your ear covering a piercing pierced by a friend, or wearing inappropriate clothes to school. This is the natural process of development within the psyche of the adolescent.

Some reactions are more extreme than others. It’s hard to be yourself and the urge to be an adult is connected to outside sources. Music, film, social media are all sensitive influences. My experience in adolescence was music and fashion. I remember wearing a sweater that was so oversized it could have fit two of me. But that urge to be in that clothing was related to my own need to be an adult. This was my natural development and desire. For the record, it hasn’t left me, though today my clothes fit better.

An obsession with what others think about ourselves - pride can be a torturous mindset - leading to negative thinking patterns. The thoughts can evoke several emotions especially shame and fear. Extraordinary behavioural changes such as isolation and avoidance. This can be the outcome of an abnormal amount of energy focused on what others think.

My belief is that this thinking has no age limit, as it can emerge at any point in a person's lifetime. This can sometimes be connected to a big life event and when the thoughts and focus on others surface then along comes fear to increase the intensity. 

Beginning to like yourself leads to loving yourself. What we feel about ourselves within, radiates outside of us. 

Self-discovery

So the journey to becoming your own self starts with a pathway to self-discovery. Then forming true acceptance of who you are. This can bring about gratitude and happiness with no pretences. Beginning to like yourself leads to loving yourself. What we feel about ourselves within, radiates outside of us. 

Now comfortable in ourselves, we begin to attract outside what we feel inside. An example here is gaining a relationship. If we are ok with ourselves it’s likely we may meet a similar partner. That’s why it’s important to be well within yourself before seeking that special person. 

Remember it’s ok to be you and it’s ok to be me. We’re enough. I’m worth all the hard work of working through all the anguish I gave myself to now reap the rewards of all the hard work. Thankful for the guidance and support and wisdom obtained. An appreciation for the motivation to change. 

So the result - true freedom in mind body and soul. To be who we are and who we are meant to be. No more sidetracking with comparisons to unrealistic ideals. It’s time to stay on my course. The life course is my true self map. 

In all of the trials and revelations of thoughts experienced, having a soundboard to run by those tricky thoughts could help. Talk to someone who can give you a genuine perspective. A therapist could be ideal for this and with their support, you could bounce back into the swing of your aspirations. Becoming on course with where you’d like to be. A more self influenced outlook. Your life is in your hands. Reach for it. 

Counselling Directory is not responsible for the articles published by members. The views expressed are those of the member who wrote the article.

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Guildford GU2 & Chertsey KT16

Written by Warren Vinciguerra BA (Hons) Registered MBACP

Guildford GU2 & Chertsey KT16

A restored therapist from my own haunted past. I work with this experience closely when treating clients with similar issues. Educational experience of studying for 5 years where I gained a hard-earned BA (Hons) in Counselling. Working at some of the UK’s leading private treatment centres practising therapy with some of the leading researchers.

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