To build or demolish: How what we say can impact others

From a very early age; things that are spoken to us will either have an amazing impact on building our self-esteem or confidence. When you hear someone praising you for winning a race, getting all of your spellings correct or because you've listened and followed instruction, it can put a spring in your step and a smile to your face.

Not everyone will experience this affirmation. Some will hear things and be crushed by what has been said to them. Imagine little Joseph coming home from school, proudly walking up to his dad and saying "Dad I got 95% in my grade" only to be asked "What about the other 5%?"' Yes, Joseph had achieved a great score for his grade, yet his father focused on the missing 5%. I imagine that Joseph would have been crushed by his dad's comment.

As we go through our teens and even when we are responsible and wise adults, those words can come back to haunt us. The sad thing is in all this is that we tend to remember the negative comments made to us, "That won't work", "Your efforts aren't good enough." 

These are the comments we hold on to, usually when we're at a low ebb, we'll hear those comments ringing in our ears. Children will respond to praise, with the knock-on effect of feeling good, they'll want to do something positive again to receive more of the same.

For a child who has grown up hearing negative comments, there may be the self-questioning "Am I good enough?", "Will I amount to nothing?'. The effects can be devastating and confidence will soon hit the floor. Often the child will carry these lies around for most of their lives, returning to them regularly as things go wrong for them.

Rebuilding someone's confidence with encouragement and affirming words or reward is difficult when all they have heard are words of negativity. It starts when you're very young, when the people you look up to (your parents/carers) make comments that if they're honest don't even realise is happening. Some would call it banter. 

I remember hearing someone I looked up to, question my sexuality because at age 16 I hung around with boys and never had a girlfriend! or I wasn't a man unless I joined the forces or played rugby. I ended up leaving my home setting to live in a small bedsit, my confidence low and my prospects not very high.

Sadly, all too many lives have been shaped by negativity and high expectations. The pressure on people to become something that they aren't can be too heavy a burden to bear, particularly if the person that we aspire to has a different character/outlook from us.

My father wanted me to join the Navy and play rugby, just as he did! My views were different! I prefer football and was looking at a career away from the forces. It just wasn't me. It didn't go down too well and I was a little alienated through my rebellion.

This can be transferred from childhood right the way through to adulthood. People can still feel the effects of comments that were made years ago. They can become triggered when they experience the same attitude, and respond to the same 'banter' that was harmful to them as a child.

We need to engage our minds before we speak. `We have the ability to build up or tear down. Showing kindness, as a therapist, dealing with people without judgement or with our own agenda and showing congruence with them will give them a good chance at changing the value of themselves and helping to re-establish their self-esteem.