Loss, grief and mourning

Against a backdrop of a nation mourning Queen Elizabeth, I hear strong voices connecting with and against the Monarchy, with some choosing a quieter indifference. The death of any major figure may prompt reminders of your personal loss, grief, sadness, or struggles. In an age of saturated media, it is hard to escape such news or reactions.

Loss can provoke magnified feelings which do not adhere to a timetable of arising, but might appear in response to particular memories, images, or situations. Change in itself can evoke a feeling of loss or anxiety. We want to make order out of situations; feeling out of control, so we try to categorise our emotions as a linear process of mourning, which we hope to pass through, to acceptance. In reality, the tasks of mourning are not always well ordered. We can move between shock, incoherent overwhelming pain, and ragged raw emotion to calmly going about our day.

It is exhausting. An endurance, tugging at resilience, creating islands of emotion, which maroon you from those who do not understand or empathise. It is the ultimate and most painful of losses and coping is a long-term adjustment, which often changes you and your navigation of life. Feeling alone with this gargantuan task is in itself daunting for many, and utterly petrifying for some.

There are things that help, and although they might not remove the anguish, they can help you realise it can lift and you can feel other feelings. We slow down when we are sad or grief-stricken, and our minds and bodies need to adjust to begin to process the event, to identify a response, to articulate the feelings, to express the longing for the person. If we do not slow down but continue or are forced to crack on with things, the tasks of grieving do not have space to unfold.

Finding ways of allowing your feelings and space to cry, talk, just be, shout, sing, or walk give room for expression; understanding and processing are one of the ways you can support yourself. Self-care in finding ways of nurturing your body and mind is vital, as you are depleted of energy and your usual enjoyment, so finding creative ways to feel comfort and ease is helpful.

Talking to a trusted person, therapist or helpline will be a way of expressing the feelings, helping make sense of them and normalising them. Finding ways to remember, express your goodbyes, and recognise the impact this person has had on your life and the world are other tasks you might want to address.

Grieving is a process, but it has no specifics. It depends on your relationship, the way the person died, the dynamics of both your lives and other subtleties, so that it feels different with each loss and for each person. Acceptance of death as part of life, and as part of our appreciation of the value of every life, the transience, and the fragility of being human, is a task we all have. Negotiating this, connecting with our deep fear, sadness, anger, and lack of control, all ultimately increase our capacity to be fully human, in all our vulnerability.

If you need support with grief and loss, you can contact a therapist or seek help from Cruse or another specialist bereavement organisation.