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Healthy relationships require effort and hard work

Some people can appear to seamlessly negotiate difficult people whether at work or in social circles, whilst others can find it extremely troublesome when dealing with certain individuals. The key is to understand why you lose your power when having to deal with some individuals. It may be that your prior life experiences have given you negative scripts and self-limiting beliefs that restrict your happiness when dealing with others. Regular therapy can give the opportunity for uncovering your unconscious processes and life scripts so that you may enjoy healthier relationships.

Unconscious processes are potentially occurring all the time in therapy, and great insights can happen in the room. There might also be lightbulb moments during your session, when you suddenly discover great insights about your decision making in life. It might be that your therapist reminds you of someone or something from your past which contains blocked energy or unresolved processes. This might be termed 'working with transferences' in therapy. Your therapist can act as an instrument through which you can explore unconscious material in a safe environment. It could be, for example, that you get reminded about a parent or a teacher or a boss and your therapist can act as a useful mirror to help you gain better insights.

However, there is rarely a silver bullet in therapy. The heavy lifting invariably takes place between sessions. This is when you deal with your personal triggers to problem behaviour and it is when you need to develop the motivation to want to continually change and bring about changed behaviour. It is also when you will be tasked with uncovering new ways of relating towards others and potentially finding and embracing positive qualities to help in your transformation. You might, for instance, realise that you always play the role of victim in your relationships or that you always seem to be the rescuer with certain people.

Change occurs not necessarily from the realisations you reach in therapy but from finding the qualities to change the dynamic of your relationships. This might be when you need to be assertive with a bullying boss, or a demanding lover, resilient with a needy friend or compassionate with an angry family member. Healthy relationships require effort and hard work. Improving the quality of all your relationships involves the constant effort to find new ways of behaving and not resorting to the old negative patterns that have stopped serving you well.

Counselling Directory is not responsible for the articles published by members. The views expressed are those of the member who wrote the article.

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Written by Noel Bell MA, PG Dip Psych, UKCP

Noel Bell is a UKCP accredited psychotherapist in London who has spent over 20 years exploring and studying personal growth, recovery from addictions and inner transformation. Noel is an integrative therapist and draws upon the most effective tools and techniques from the psychodynamic, CBT, humanist, existential and transpersonal schools.… Read more

Written by Noel Bell MA, PG Dip Psych, UKCP

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