Why do I feel heartbreak even though we never got serious?

So, you have gone on a couple of dates with someone, you might have hooked up a few times, or maybe just been chatting for a little while. It’s nothing you would consider a ‘serious’ relationship, and you’ve even questioned if they’re the right person for you. But then they bring it to an end, and you are left wondering, ‘Why does it feel so painful’?

Many of us have found ourselves in this place, and when we look back, we can sometimes question why we wasted all of that emotional energy on it, “it wasn’t even what I wanted!” Then why can it leave us feeling so horrible at the time?  Why do we cry, get angry, miss them, want them back?

Here are five things to consider:

1. It could be your ego and not your heart – Sometimes when things come to an end, it is the feeling of rejection that hurts the most.  It’s the questions that you are left with about what you ‘did wrong’, or the feeling that you aren’t good enough.  When attention and validation are pulled away it can hurt our ego, more than our heart, it leaves us questioning ourselves.  This can be particularly hard when a third party is involved. Ask yourself if you would have felt the same way had you made the decision to walk away.

2. You are grieving the fantasy – When we haven’t had much time to get to know somebody, and particularly if a lot of the interaction is message-based, we can fill in the blanks and build up a fantasy about the person and the relationship they could offer. The great thing about fantasy is that we can make it whatever we want it to be, so it’s often far better than any real-life situation. When something ends, we lose this fantasy and have a longing for ‘what could have been’. But this isn’t about the real human you were interacting with, it’s the ideal one from your mind.

3. You were playing out your own narrative – Attraction can be pretty complex, and the physical element is only one part of it.  Underneath there can be a whole lot of stuff from our experiences, family, and past relationships. Sometimes we are trying to heal a past wound by repeating narratives in the hope that this time we get our happy ending. For example, if you felt abandoned by an unavailable parent, you might try and prove that you are ‘good enough’ by winning over an unavailable romantic partner. When the rejection happens, you can feel that childhood pain all over again.

4. You were hooked into the feelings – That intense desire you have for someone when you can’t stop thinking about them. The nerves in your stomach waiting to hear from them. The high that you feel when they finally message….That can be insecurity. Being caught in cycles of anxious waiting and relief can become addictive. The hit of dopamine when you get a message from someone who is distant is literally like a drug. When we are hooked into these heady cycles of emotion and then somebody takes it away from us it’s painful, but that is about losing the feelings and not necessarily the person.

5. It was about having a relationship – All of this brought together can be about the core belief of a need to have a romantic relationship. Now the truth is, we don’t really need one to survive, and many people make the choice not to, but we have been raised with so many societal narratives that our worth is based on being in a relationship. We may even feel that if we get one, it will make us happy and fix any issues in our lives. When the potential for a relationship gets pulled away we can feel the loss of all of this. Ask yourself if you were pinning your hopes for a relationship on someone who wasn’t actually offering what you wanted.

There is no one way that endings should feel, and length of time doesn’t always mean less emotions. It’s natural to feel hurt, particularly because a big part of what we grieve is hope. However, understanding what is causing the pain can also help you move forward. The best thing you can do with any breakup is to give yourself space and time. While you might want to keep speaking with the person, giving yourself space and focusing on yourself will help you see things clearly and break any emotional habits that you got into. Prioritise your needs and know that a therapist is always happy to help without judgement. We’ve possibly even been through it ourselves.