Why breaking free from abusive relationships is a complex journey

Psychological theories provide valuable insights into the complexities of why individuals find it challenging to leave abusive relationships.

Social learning theory, intermittent reinforcement, learned helplessness theory and cognitive dissonance theory shed light on the various factors that contribute to this difficulty. By understanding these theories, we can gain a deeper understanding of the psychological dynamics at play and the barriers victims face when trying to break free from abusive relationships.

Social learning theory, first introduced by psychologist Albert Bandura, suggests that individuals learn behaviours through observation and imitation of others. This theory helps explain why individuals, who grew up in households where verbal abuse was normalised, may accept such behaviour as a regular part of relationships. Children form their understanding of how the world works based on early experiences, and if they consistently witness verbal abuse, they may come to believe that it is a common aspect of all relationships. As they enter adulthood, they may unknowingly seek out or tolerate similar abusive dynamics because it is what they have learned and internalised.

Moreover, individuals who have been exposed to verbal abuse may downplay the impact of hurtful words. They may believe that verbal abuse is not as severe as physical abuse, leading them to minimise its significance. They may make excuses for the abuser, attributing their behaviour to good intentions or momentary loss of control. By justifying and rationalising the abuser's actions, victims minimise the severity of the abuse and perpetuate the cycle.

Intermittent reinforcement, as demonstrated in B.F. Skinner's experiments with rats, is another psychological concept that plays a significant role in abusive relationships. In Skinner's experiments, rats became highly focused and persistent when food was delivered intermittently. Similarly, in abusive relationships, the abuser's behaviour often fluctuates between moments of kindness and affection and episodes of abuse. These intermittent positive behaviours act as a powerful psychological adhesive, fostering hope and leading the victim to believe that the abusive episodes were anomalies or that the abuser possesses love and kindness beneath their harmful actions. This pattern of intermittent reinforcement creates a strong psychological bond that makes it challenging for the victim to recognise the full extent of the abuse and contemplate leaving the relationship.

Learned helplessness theory, developed by psychologist Martin Seligman, explores the phenomenon where individuals subjected to uncontrollable and aversive situations develop a belief that they have no control over their circumstances. In an influential experiment involving dogs and a fenced enclosure, dogs in one group were exposed to shocks they could easily escape by jumping over a low fence, while dogs in another group faced shocks with no escape due to a higher fence. Over time, the dogs in the second group stopped attempting to escape, demonstrating a learned helplessness response. In abusive relationships, individuals who experience chronic abuse may develop a similar sense of learned helplessness. The repeated exposure to abuse, coupled with the belief that they have no control over their circumstances, erodes their confidence and agency. They may become resigned to their situation, believing that attempts to escape or change the abusive dynamics will be futile. Consequently, they may stay in the abusive relationship, even when opportunities for escape or support become available.

Cognitive dissonance theory, developed by psychologist Leon Festinger, provides insights into why it can be challenging for individuals to leave abusive relationships. According to this theory, individuals have a natural tendency to seek consistency between their beliefs, attitudes, and behaviours. When someone experiences verbal abuse in a relationship, it creates a conflict or dissonance between their belief in a healthy and loving partnership and the harsh reality of the abuse they endure. To reduce this dissonance and maintain a sense of consistency, individuals may engage in cognitive processes that help them rationalise or minimise the abuse. They may convince themselves that the abuse is not as bad as it seems, downplay its impact, or make excuses for the abuser's behaviour. By distorting their perceptions, they can protect their positive beliefs about the relationship and avoid facing the difficult truth that they are being mistreated.

Leaving an abusive relationship is often a complex and difficult process due to the interplay of these psychological factors. It is important to recognise that the patterns created by these theories are deeply ingrained and can be challenging to break. Victims may not even realise they are being verbally abused because it has become their normal. They may struggle with cognitive dissonance, grappling with the conflict between their beliefs and the abusive reality. The intermittent reinforcement of positive moments may give them false hope and reinforce the belief that the relationship is salvageable. Furthermore, the sense of learned helplessness may make them feel powerless to change their circumstances.

In addition to the psychological factors, there are practical and emotional hurdles that victims of abuse must overcome to leave an abusive relationship. Fear, financial dependence, social isolation, and concerns about safety can further complicate the decision to leave. The combined effect of cognitive dissonance and these external factors creates a powerful internal struggle that makes it difficult for individuals to take steps towards ending the relationship.

Recognising and understanding these psychological theories is crucial for providing effective support to individuals in abusive relationships. Breaking free from the cycle of abuse often requires a supportive environment, therapy, and a gradual rebuilding of self-efficacy and empowerment. Professional help can play a vital role in assisting individuals in recognising their strengths, re-establishing control, and exploring options for safety and well-being outside of the abusive relationship.

Ultimately, by raising awareness about the psychological complexities that make it hard for people to leave abusive relationships, we can foster a more compassionate and informed approach to supporting survivors and promoting healthy relationships. It is essential to remember that leaving an abusive relationship is a courageous and deeply personal decision, and individuals deserve empathy, understanding, and comprehensive support throughout their journey to reclaim their lives.