Postnatal depression is not your fault

Postnatal depression is a common and distressing experience, affecting at least 15-20% of new mums in the first year after birth. Alongside the symptoms of depression, many mums also find themselves facing an additional burden: feelings of shame and self-blame for struggling at all. 

Shame is that painful sense of not being good enough or somehow flawed, which can make it even harder to reach out for support. It’s not unusual for mums to worry that postnatal depression means they’re not a good enough parent or that they don’t love their baby enough. These thoughts can feel very convincing, but they are not true.

In this article, we’ll explore why these feelings of shame and self-criticism often show up, how they can intensify the challenges of postnatal depression, and most importantly, ways to move beyond them. We’ll also look at how therapy can support you in moving through postnatal depression and feeling more like yourself again.

What postnatal depression can feel like

Postnatal depression is more than just feeling low – it can show up in many ways, such as:

• low energy or a lack of motivation
• thoughts that you’re not good enough or have somehow failed
• difficulty feeling joy or excitement
• anxiety or worry
• difficulty connecting with your baby
• feelings of anger or resentment, including toward your baby

What causes postnatal depression?

There isn’t one single cause of postnatal depression. Instead, research shows that many different factors can increase the likelihood of experiencing it. These tend to fall into three areas:

• Biological factors – such as hormonal changes after birth and the impact of sleep deprivation.
• Psychological factors – like going through a traumatic birth or having a strong tendency toward perfectionism.
• Social factors – including lack of support from others, or experiencing stressful circumstances such as financial strain or domestic abuse.

Why postnatal depression is not your fault 

One of the most important things to hold on to is that postnatal depression is not your fault. The factors that contribute to it – biological, psychological, and social – are not things you have chosen. They do not reflect how much you love your baby or whether you are a good mother. Instead, postnatal depression is an understandable response to your past and current life experiences. 

Even so, it’s very common for your mind to tell you something different. Many mums struggle with thoughts such as ‘I’m the only one not coping’ or ‘I should be able to be stronger than this’. These painful beliefs can feel convincing, but they are not true. Instead, these thoughts happen as a result of how our brains have evolved.

Our brains have evolved to prioritise safety, and in the past, survival depended on being accepted by others. We still have this same sensitivity to rejection today, and this can be magnified by the societal expectations of what motherhood ‘should’ look like. This sensitivity means it’s easy for our brains to interpret struggles as personal failings, in an effort to avoid rejection. Unfortunately, this can trap us in cycles of shame and self-criticism – leaving us feeling even more distressed. The good news is that there are ways to step out of this cycle and begin to relate to ourselves differently.

How shame and self-criticism keep us stuck

While shame and self-criticism may feel like ways to push ourselves to do better, they rarely work. When we turn against ourselves, our brain reacts as though we are under attack. Our brain goes into threat mode and focuses only on our short-term survival. In this state, it becomes harder to reflect, grow, or move forward. Instead, we may find ourselves stuck in the past, focusing only on our perceived deficits. Often, this can also lead to withdrawing from people and joyful activities, which only deepens the symptoms of depression.

When trying to overcome postnatal depression, diminishing the influence of shame and self-blame is an important first step. Doing so creates more space to engage with your struggles in a supportive way, which allows you to take meaningful steps forward.

Moving away from shame and self-criticism 

Quieting your inner critic can be a powerful first step in overcoming postnatal depression.

Instead of staying caught in a self-critical, threat-focused state, we want to cultivate a way of relating to ourselves with care, understanding, and a wish to ease our suffering. This is what compassion is – a sensitivity to our suffering with a commitment to try to alleviate and prevent it. 

Compassion gives us a different way of motivating ourselves. With compassion, we focus on growth, noticing strengths, and building on the positive. When mistakes happen, we are able to have understanding for ourselves and repair and learn from them.

So, how can we begin to nurture more compassion for ourselves? The key is not to silence the self-critical voice overnight, but to slowly strengthen the compassionate one. Over time, this kinder voice can become louder than the critic.

Building self-compassion doesn’t require huge changes – it happens through small practices repeated over time. Here are two exercises you might start with.

Developing your compassionate self

In this exercise, we use simple physical shifts – through posture, facial expression, and tone of voice – to help the body and mind move into a more compassionate state. These changes may feel small, but they can have a powerful impact on how we relate to ourselves.

• Body posture – begin by noticing your posture. When we are self-critical, our body tends to collapse in on itself. Instead, we can practice a posture that is open, upright, and sturdy. This open posture helps us feel more confident and receptive.
• Facial expression – our facial muscles indicate to our brain how we are feeling. We can focus on shifting towards a warm, friendly facial expression. We can think about what our face does when we see somebody we care about.
• Tone of voice – our tone of voice often mirrors our emotional state. We can practice using a warm, caring tone of voice when talking to ourselves. This change can help develop more compassion for yourself.

Practising these small shifts each day can help you feel more grounded, open, and compassionate toward yourself. Over time, you’ll be able to call on this compassionate state more easily, especially when shame or self-criticism arises.

Compassionate letter writing

This practice invites you to step into your compassionate self, focus on a challenge you’re currently facing, and write to yourself with care.

What you might include in your letter:

• Gently acknowledging the suffering you’re experiencing.
• Speaking to yourself with warmth and understanding rather than judgment.
• Expressing a genuine wish to ease your pain.
• Reflecting on your struggles in a way that helps you move through them.
• Considering small, supportive changes that might help you grow.

How to approach it:

• You might find it easiest to write in the first person (I), while others prefer the third person (you). You can try both and see what feels most natural.
• Don’t worry about spelling or grammar – perfect writing is not the aim!
• It may take time to find a tone of writing that resonates best with you, this is normal.

Even small moments of writing, whenever they’re possible, can add up to meaningful changes over time.

How therapy can help with postnatal depression

Reducing shame and self-criticism is often the first step to feeling better. But it’s not always easy. As you begin working toward greater self-compassion, you may also meet resistance, fear, or the surfacing of long-held emotions. Shame and self-criticism often develop over years as a way of coping in difficult circumstances. They may have served a function in the past, even if they now hold you back. If this feels familiar, therapy can offer valuable one-to-one support to help you work through these blocks.

Therapy can also support your recovery from postnatal depression in other important ways, such as:

• Exploring root causes – Therapy provides space to understand what might be contributing to your depression, and what meaningful change could look like for you. This might include working through a difficult birth or processing the sadness of feeding not going as planned.
• Breaking the depression cycle – Depression often creates a loop: low mood reduces motivation, which leads to withdrawing from activities that bring joy or connection, which then deepens the low mood. Therapy can help you to introduce beneficial activities in a way that works alongside the demands of early parenthood.
• Managing anxiety and stress – Anxiety and stress often accompany postnatal depression. Therapy can help you manage these feelings so they don’t overwhelm you or stop you from living the way you’d like.

Overall, therapy offers a non-judgemental space to feel heard, understood, and supported during a time of big changes in life, identity, and relationships. It helps you slow down, explore what’s really going on for you, and process emotions before they build up in ways that feel overwhelming.

I hope this article has helped you to know that postnatal depression is not a personal failing and that small moments building self-compassion can start to make a meaningful difference in how you feel.