How to find yourself again after a relationship

Love is the magical feeling that can make us feel like we are on top of the world and complete in every way possible. However, what happens when that love goes or is lost? When the person who made you feel whole either suddenly disappears from your life or the love fades away and the relationship ends, leaving behind a gaping hole where they once stood?


Losing yourself in a relationship is all too common, but finding yourself again afterwards can seem like an impossible task. However, there are ways to rediscover your inner self after heartbreak.

Reflect on your past self

Looking back at your past self is a great place to start when trying to find yourself after losing yourself in a relationship. It is essential to reflect on who you were before the relationship - what made you happy, and what your interests were.

Initially, if you are struggling with this step, you may speak to family and friends who knew you then. However, if this isn’t providing any insight, it may be that you seek counselling to help you find who you were and who you want to be.

Think about the things that brought joy into your life, whether it was playing sports, painting, reading books, or travelling. Reflecting on your passions will help remind you of what makes you unique and special. 

You might also want to think about the goals and dreams that you had for yourself before getting into the relationship:

  • What did you hope to achieve in life? 
  • Did those aspirations change because of the relationship? 
  • If so, how did they change?

By reflecting on these aspects of your life, it may become clearer as to why there has been a disconnect between who you once were and who you have become.

It may be that you didn’t really have a passion or a goal beforehand, but this doesn’t mean that you can’t find one or create one for yourself. Again, it may be that a counsellor is needed to help can guide you through this process by asking questions that prompt deeper introspection.

Reconnecting with your past self takes time and effort but is an important first step towards finding yourself again. 

Reconnect with your passions and hobbies

Reconnecting with your passions and hobbies is a crucial step in finding yourself after losing yourself in a relationship. It can help reignite parts of yourself that may have faded away during the relationship turmoil.

Just as a butterfly emerges from its cocoon, you too can come out of this experience stronger and more vibrant than before. It is time to let go of the past and focus on what brings joy into your life.

Again, think back to before the relationship took over your life. What did you love doing? Was it painting, playing an instrument, exploring nature or something else?

Rekindling these interests will help you rediscover who you are outside of being someone's partner. Not only does engaging in activities that bring us happiness boost our mood, but it also helps us develop a sense of identity.

Finding your sense of identity is key to moving forward. Did that become lost in the relationship as well or were you able to maintain some of it? (Ask yourself this question and reflect on the answer).

It may seem overwhelming at first, especially if it has been some time since you have done anything for yourself. You may even feel some guilt, this can feel strange but is also a common feeling.

Start small; set aside some time each day to do something that makes you feel good. By taking small steps towards reconnecting with your passions and hobbies, you will find that it becomes easier to prioritise self-care in other areas of your life.

Incorporating these changes into your daily routine won't necessarily guarantee instant results, but they’re essential ingredients for personal growth and overall well-being.

Remember that everyone’s path looks different, so embrace yours wholeheartedly.

Focus on self-care and personal growth

I believe that taking care of yourself is essential for healing and moving forward.

Self-care means different things to different people. For some, it might mean practising mindfulness or meditation. For others, it could be as simple as taking a long bath or going for a walk outside.

If you are struggling to reconnect or find your own self-care, ask yourself these four questions:

  • What would I advise someone?
  • What do people that I know like to do?
  • What do I like to do?
  • What would I like to do?

From those questions, formulate a list, then cross off ones that jump out instantly that aren’t for you. Then look at the ‘definites’ and reflect on the ‘maybes’. Whatever it is that makes you feel good, make sure you prioritise it (as only you can live your life). 

Find something that brings joy into your life, whether that's through exercise, reading, art, music or spending time with loved ones, to name a few. Remember, self-care isn't just about indulging in pleasurable activities; it also involves making healthy choices for the mind and body. This may include eating well-balanced meals, getting enough sleep and staying hydrated. 

By prioritising self-care practices in your daily routine, you'll begin to see positive changes in how you feel physically and emotionally.

Personal growth is another critical aspect of rediscovering yourself after losing yourself in a relationship. It's an opportunity to explore who you are beyond your past experiences or relationships. 

You may want to try new things, learn a new skill or take up hobbies that challenge you creatively or intellectually. We encourage our clients to embrace their unique qualities and strengths while working towards achieving their goals confidently. 

I believe that every individual has the potential to grow and thrive positively when given the right support and the right environment to explore themselves. Incorporating self-care practices into your daily routine combined with personal growth can lead to significant changes over time both mentally and emotionally. 

In conclusion, losing yourself in a relationship can be tough, but finding your way back to your ‘authentic self’ is possible. Take time to reflect on who you were before the relationship and what made you happy. Reconnect with your passions and hobbies and focus on personal growth through self-care. 

If you are struggling to reconnect or find anything, speak with family and friends to help you. Alternatively, it may be that you speak to a counsellor to explore these things together, if you are based in Wigan (or surrounding areas), then you can contact Empowered Counselling Services for phone or face-to-face sessions. If you are further afield in the UK, then contact us for phone sessions.

Remember, like a phoenix rising from the ashes, you too can rediscover yourself and soar higher than ever before.

The views expressed in this article are those of the author. All articles published on Counselling Directory are reviewed by our editorial team.

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Wigan, Lancashire, WN1
Written by Ray Cruise
Wigan, Lancashire, WN1

I am an Integrative Psychotherapist/Counsellor based at Empowered Counselling Services.

I really enjoy working with people through their issues in a safe, non-judgmental, warm, empathetic environment - to see them change and transform as they begin to have their own realisations and, in turn, find and make the changes they need.

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