I keep looking for love in all the wrong places!
Written by listed counsellor/psychotherapist: Marilyn McKenzie BSc, PGDip, MBACP
28th January, 20180 Comments
Does this sound like you?
"I always feel let down. I give so much of myself which other people are happy to take and get nothing back. Then I think to myself, THEY ARE ALL RUBBISH... then I think, maybe it's me! Maybe I'm not good looking enough, fit enough, funny enough, maybe something is wrong with me. Then I think maybe not everyone will find love like in the movies"
There are so many things going on with this short statement it can be difficult to know where to start. So from the top!
"I always feel let down"
The patterns we repeat when trying to form an attachment are so unconscious that we hardly notice that the same result is happening over and over again. Other people will do what they see fit but we have to take some ownership in things. It is also important to note the all or nothing thinking. Situations and people are rarely always black or white. See the grey in the situation.
"I give so much of myself which people are happy to take and get nothing back"
Most relationships are reciprocal in some way. Are you offering so much because by being so giving they won't leave you then you get angry when it's not returned. Do you even create an environment where a person can reciprocate or are you doing a lot if rescuing. Does this happen in other areas of your life?
"They are all rubbish"
When you say this is there a particular person you think of? Who are they? Why them? Does this person remind you of anyone whether male or female? Again, are you seeing the grey?
Are you owning your part in this or are you only the victim here? Do you often give away your power like this? If it's everyone else fault then how can things change?
"Then I think, maybe it's me"
There is owning your part and there's taking too much on. You are only responsible for your actions and choices. That's all. No more, no less.
"Maybe I'm not pretty enough, slim enough, funny enough, maybe something is wrong with me"
Behind all the anger comes the vulnerability and sadness. What makes you think you are not enough? People fall in love with so many different types. What is telling you that have you have to be one way to be worthy of love. What if no matter what you are like you are still worthy and lovable. No amount of compliments will change your view of yourself.
"Then I think maybe not everyone will find love like in the movies"
There is rarely a Harry met Sally type love. Contrary to popular belief there is no "the one"! There are the ones, note - plural!
Lose the idea that you will meet a knight in shining armour. Instead focus on meeting a partner who you enjoy the company of. Leave the idea of of meeting someone who will change your life and realise that they should add to it and you to theirs.
Unrealistic expectations of love can ruin your view of relationships. Don't get caught in that trap. Find the love the suits you.
When met with a client that feels this way there is plenty of work to be done. Changing the view you have of yourself takes time. Even once you know what the issue is, believing that you are worthy of love can be a long process but definitely possible, and the rewards are extensive.
About the author
I am Marilyn McKenzie and I am a qualified Psychotherapist who has worked with couples, addiction, DV, young offending, grief and bereavement as well as anxiety and depression.
I am integrative in my approach but often work systemically. I have a private practise and work with Relate.
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