The value of values: Cultivating a life well-lived

Our values are like a compass. They help us know what really matters and guide us when life feels busy or uncertain. When we live in line with our values, life has more clarity and direction. Even small choices, like how we spend an evening or how we respond to a challenge, can feel meaningful when they reflect what we care about most.

When we go against our values, we often feel unsettled: guilt, shame, or a quiet sense that something isn’t right. Living by your values doesn’t mean being perfect. It means moving, step by step, toward a life that feels true to you.

What are values?

Values are the things that matter most to us. They are personal and unique: two people might both value “family,” for example, but live it out in very different ways.

Values often bring up strong feelings. If something important to us is ignored or challenged, we may feel defensive, upset, or protective. And whether we notice them or not, our values are always shaping our choices. The key question is: are you aware of yours?

Discovering your values

The first step to living by your values is getting clear about what they are. 
Few things to keep in mind:

• Values can change. As we grow and have new experiences, what matters most to us often shifts.
• Be careful with “shoulds.” Sometimes we take on values from family, culture, or social media that don’t really fit us. That doesn’t mean outside influences are always bad, it just means we need to check in with ourselves about what feels genuine.
• Being human is also about being social. Many people find that their values include not just personal growth, but also kindness, community, and care for others.

A good place to start is to notice where you already put your time and energy. When do you feel most alive, authentic, or proud of yourself? Those moments often point toward your values.

It’s also important to remember that values are different from feelings. Doing something that matters to you doesn’t always feel pleasant in the moment. For example, exercising might feel uncomfortable, but if health is a core value, you’ll likely feel good about it afterwards.

Practical steps for clarifying your values

1. Make space for it. Set aside a little time to reflect and write.
2. Ask yourself some guiding questions: 
   - What qualities do I admire in others?
   - What moments in my life have felt the most meaningful?
   - If nothing stood in my way, what would I want to do more of?
3. Take some time to review what you've written. After a break, come back to it and see if it still feels right. It's also helpful to review it regularly: at first, more often, and later maybe once or twice a year.

Some common values include love, compassion, altruism, integrity, courage, freedom, health, balance, creativity, beauty, achievement, spirituality, and community.

Cultural influences to be aware of

Our culture can often make it difficult to hear our own values clearly. Productivity, quick rewards, and constant stimulation are frequently praised, and while they’re not inherently negative, they can sometimes pull us away from what truly matters. Social media and technology, while keeping us busy, can often leave us feeling empty. Consumer habits, such as overindulgence in food or shopping, can interfere with our health and balance.

Additionally, news and fear-driven media can create a sense of caution, limiting our adventure or joy. When we become aware of these influences, it becomes easier to pause and make choices that align with our core values, rather than being swept up by external pressures.

How counselling can help

Talking about your values in therapy can be a powerful experience. Counselling offers:

• A safe space to explore what truly matters to you.
• Support in making a plan for how to live more in line with your values.
• Help with obstacles like perfectionism, self-doubt, or old patterns.
• A regular check-in, so you don’t lose sight of what’s important.

Therapy can also help you tell the difference between values that are truly your own and those shaped by expectations or outside pressure.

Final thought

The difference between a life that feels deeply lived and one that just feels “busy” often comes down to values. When your daily actions reflect what matters to you, life has more meaning and authenticity. Living by your values doesn’t make life perfect, but it does make it feel more like your life.

References:

• Berkout, O. V. (2021). Working with values: An overview of approaches and Considerations in implementation. Frontiers in Psychology.
• Covey, S. R. (2020). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: 30th anniversary edition. Simon & Schuster.
• Dahl, J. A. (2015). Valuing in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science.
• Schwartz, S. H. (2009). Basic human values. Sociologie.