Regulating emotions

When you are a small child, say one or two years old, you feel everything intensely. Your body shows your joy, anger, sadness, or frustration, and social norms are not a consideration so, throwing yourself on the floor or screaming loudly are actions anywhere, anytime. Some situations might feel too big for such small people with small bodies.

A good caregiver/parent will support the child to cope with the enormity of emotion, with their voice, facial expressions, physical holding or touch, or example. They will allow the child the space and opportunity to feel and deal with the emotions and responses in their body. For example, some children are so excited to do something, they are frozen when the thing is presented and might need some help to move into the activity.

As adults, if we did not receive the help we needed to regulate our emotions, or if lots of scary or overwhelming things happened to us as we grew up, we might find that reminders of these or situations where we feel big feelings, overwhelm or shut us down. This overwhelm can tip us into other states which are difficult or painful to experience and we might not notice the triggers causing this process.

Regulating emotions is a constant process and something we can improve and learn to do well. For some people, this might involve firstly beginning to connect with their bodies, to notice how emotions are starting to make themselves known. Recognising the triggers or reminders that propel us into overwhelm can be helpful, as we then have an opportunity to respond rather than react.

Exploring your unique process of emotional responding and beginning to create a physical (embodied) and cognitive, as well as emotional knowledge of this, allows you to begin new ways of regulating. We tend to react with our whole nervous system to (perceived) threats which could be good (something new/fun/exciting) or something scary (worrying/sad/fearsome), so regulating works best if we start with our bodies.

Creating a tool kit for yourself, which does not need to be a formal system, but more a set of practices or processes you can use is an effective way of overcoming this issue. Everyone is different and finding the things which support you is important. Breathing exercises, relaxation, body scans, yoga, grounding, meditation, exercise, connecting with people, pets, smells, nature, or practising mindfulness are all examples of ways people regulate.

Therapy is a relationship, where you can explore your process, understand where the deficits are in your regulation and discover how you might gain mastery in the future. EMDR therapy helps tame the triggers caused by adverse childhood events (ACES), and traumatic experiences to help you use regulation effectively. Collaborating with an attuned therapist is in itself a way of experiencing regulation with a reliable, consistent person.

Regulation gives you greater control over things happening inside and outside of you, as you begin to respond rather than react. To connect with a therapist, why not look at the directory and begin your journey of discovery?