Guys, let’s start talking about mental health

Looking after our mental health should count the same as physical health, so challenging the stigma is important. I want to address why I feel the stigma and narrative we, as men, tell each other about what makes someone manly is problematic. Even as a counsellor, I will avoid going to the doctor for my physical health and it took me a long time to seek therapy myself.

In the past men have been chastised for displaying any form of emotion or admission of vulnerability, being told that this is weakness. This may explain why men see going to the doctor or a counsellor as a failure of their masculinity, Social Constructionists would argue that there is so much in our society that entrenches this view.

Consider the films we watch, the contexts and cultures men grew up in, whether it is the macho films of the 1980s, or being told not to cry because that’s not what boys do. William Pollock in his research on masculinity noted that in an American context Kindergarten age boys were more likely to be told off for holding on to their mothers, while girls were allowed to make this decision in their own time. Pollock argued from a very young age boys are taught they must stand on their own. This narrative then follows boys into adulthood.

So why might women, in general, feel comfortable with holding and expressing difficult emotions? If we take a feminist position we might say that in a patriarchal society emotions are seen as feminine, therefore, women are given permission to be emotional. This permission though allowed women to figure out how to deal with their emotions and to who it was safe to express them to. Whereas men we are only now beginning that journey.

Looking through a traditional masculine lens (what we might call now toxic masculinity) anything feminine must be greatly discouraged and since emotions are feminine the expression of them must be curtailed. If we take this idea that emotions are feminine, then it may be useful not to see them as replacements for masculinity but rather as a bolt-on. In very much as women may bolt on traditionally masculine traits onto their femininity; such as ambition, drive and sense of justice.

So why does this matter and why should men consider therapy? It matters because suicide in men is one of the biggest killers as they are more likely to complete suicide. So it is more important than ever that men feel they have permission to explore their emotions and be able to leave behind some of the unhelpful narrative we are told from boys to adulthood; which therapy can help them explore, this does not mean turning men into women but get them to connect with their emotions in a real and masculine way.

Another reason why therapy can be useful for men, is it provides a safe space for them to open up without fear of judgement. Spouses and partners can often bear the brunt of a man’s emotional distress as again we are told that is what women are for, though more men seem to have more male friendship groups that are willing to talk about their mental health which is encouraging. Either way, an expansive supportive network including therapy and men’s support groups can help share the emotional load, rather than partners bearing the brunt.

As men we must acknowledge and take responsibility for our own mental health, it cannot be the responsibility of others. Once we take ownership of difficult emotions we have started the process of personal growth. This does not mean that men need to abandon the positives of masculinity such as a sense of fair play, courage, protecting others and being responsible members of society. It just means we do not need to fear our own emotions and feel not afraid to explore them in order to better understand ourselves and cope when things are not going our way; by recognising that as human beings we all need support, that not everything will stay the same and that’s OK.

I feel most counsellors would say that globally we want to get to a place where men and everybody considers therapy like you would go to your GP for a physical illness. That is why the fight to encourage men to seek therapy or seek appropriate support should not be at the point of crisis, but at the point where you first noticed the issue.

Remember, people do not just seek therapy because something has happened to them, therapy can help with a wide range of issues, such as life changes, personal development and many more.