What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting has become a part of our everyday language. But what does it actually mean, how can it affect us, and what are the signs to look out for? We explain more about how gaslighting can have a bigger impact on you than you might think.

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a kind of manipulation where someone makes you question your own memory, thoughts, or feelings. This could be through lying, denying events that you know happened, or twisting the truth. Over time, this can leave you feeling confused, unsure, and emotionally distressed. You might start to doubt your own memories of events, minimise or disregard your feelings, or start to feel like you need to depend on the person who is gaslighting you.

While we might more commonly think of gaslighting as happening between romantic partners, it can happen in many different kinds of relationships. This includes family, education, and workplace relationships. Gaslighting is considered a form of psychological and emotional abuse. Along with making you question your judgment, it can make you question your reality and lose trust in yourself, your experiences, and your emotions.

What are examples of gaslighting?

Gaslighting can happen in many different ways. Some simple examples of how someone might gaslight you include:

• At work: A colleague may try and shift the blame to avoid accountability or undermine your credibility. For example, they may deny having had a conversation in person that you remember having, say that they responded to a message that they didn’t, or claim to have included you on a meeting invite and say you must have forgotten to show up. They may further gaslight you by saying you are overreacting when you call them out, may change the subject or refuse to listen when confronted about a lie or behaviour. 
• With family: Family gaslighting can happen between a parent and their adult, teen, or young child. For example, a parent may deny that a traumatic event ever happened, and may dismiss your feelings by saying that you are overreacting to it or are too sensitive. They might try and deflect to make it sound like you caused the problem, or outright say that you are making things up. 
• In a relationship: Gaslighting in a relationship can happen at any point, whether you are dating or have been together for years. An example of gaslighting from your partner could be telling them you feel hurt by their criticism. Instead of apologising or discussing the issue further, they may instead deny that they criticise you, call you overly sensitive or say you are overreacting to their words, or may say that you are misremembering how things happened. They may try and accuse you of trying to make them look bad, or try and say that you were the one criticising them.

Common signs of gaslighting

Gaslighting can have many different warning signs to look out for. Different types of gaslighting can affect different people in different ways, based on the type of gaslighting, the relationship, and who is gaslighting you. You might experience some or many of these. 

Tactics used by gaslighters

Common tactics used by gaslighters can include:

• Denial - someone might deny what you are saying or have experienced, even if you have proof. If denial doesn’t work, they may also try to twist the events to fit more in line with what they want others to believe.
• Manipulating memories - rather than denying something happened, they may try and convince you that you are misremembering or that you are blowing things out of proportion.
• Shifting the blame - making others sound like they are the ones to blame, or trying to guilt you into accepting blame even when you were not the one responsible for their actions. This can also lead to projection, where someone accuses you of being the one to behave in the way that you have tried to express concern about.  
• Downplaying events or concerns - trying to diminish or dismiss your worries, concerns, or feelings about events by saying that you are overreacting, are being too sensitive, or trying to shift the focus to how it affects them. 
• Playing dumb - this can include pretending not to understand the issue you are trying to raise, or refusing to listen to your concerns and denying that there is any issue in the first place. 
• Downplaying or minimising - trivialising your concerns, belittling your feelings, or making you feel like your worries and feelings aren’t valid.
• Isolation - keeping you away from supportive colleagues, friends, family, or loved ones. This can be in an attempt to reinforce their narrative, to convince you that they don’t understand you, or to make it seem like they are the only one you can trust.

Signs of gaslighting can be subtle or more overt. You may not spot smaller signs at first, or you may find it easy to dismiss them. But over time, they can grow, creating a snowball effect that can seriously impact how you are feeling, how you see yourself and others, and even how much you can trust your own lived experiences.

Signs you may be experiencing gaslighting

Signs can include:

• Self-doubt - You might be starting to doubt your feelings or reality, or you may try and convince yourself that what you are experiencing isn’t that bad or you are being too sensitive. This can also include questioning your own judgment and perception of things. You may notice you have stopped sharing your own opinion, as you are worried about sharing your thoughts, feelings, or emotions. 
• Feeling vulnerable, insecure, alone or powerless - Maybe you feel like you are walking on eggshells around your partner, colleague, friend or family member. You might feel like you are on edge all of the time, or your self-esteem (how you see yourself) may have taken a hit. You might feel like you are isolated, trapped, or lonely. 
• Confusion and loss of confidence - You may start to doubt your own recollection of events, and may not trust your thoughts, feelings, or emotions. Over time, this can negatively impact your self-esteem, affecting your confidence and making you further doubt yourself in a continuous cycle. 
• Feeling on edge, alone, or powerless - Constantly feeling anxious or uneasy, without knowing why. You might also feel like you are walking on eggshells around them. 
• Questioning yourself and your reality - As well as doubting your own thoughts and memories, you might start to doubt your sanity or start believing there is something fundamentally wrong with you. 
• Apologising too much - You might feel the need to apologise a lot more than others, for what you do or who you are. This could be because you are second-guessing yourself, or are worrying that others are disappointed in you or thinking the worst of you.
• Making decisions becomes a struggle - As you no longer trust yourself, you begin to find making decisions hard or impossible. You may start relying on a partner, friend, colleague, or family member to make those decisions for you instead, or try to put yourself in a position where you can avoid making decisions altogether. 

How gaslighting can affect your mental health

Over time, gaslighting can have a significant impact on your emotional and mental health and well-being. According to research, those who experience gaslighting may experience self-doubt, hypervigilance, anxiety, depression, addiction, and suicidal ideation, along with physical symptoms often associated with stress. 

Young adults who have already experienced anxiety, depression, or suicidal thoughts may also be more vulnerable to gaslighting, which can lead to a bigger impact on their overall mental health and well-being. 

Is gaslighting intentional? Why do people gaslight?

Gaslighting can be done intentionally or unintentionally. It is possible for someone to manipulate you without realising what they are doing, though many often aim to control and manipulate situations or people. 

Some gaslighters deliberately gaslight others for personal gain, while others may not be aware of what they are doing, instead acting on their own personal insecurities, deeply held beliefs, or learned behaviours. It’s important to remember that, whether or not gaslighting is intentional, the impact on the person being manipulated is just as real and harmful. Gaslighting shouldn’t be ignored.

What to do if someone is gaslighting you: How do I shut down a gaslighter? 

If you think you are experiencing gaslighting, there are things you can try to help protect yourself. It’s important to act; letting things slide or dismissing them can be tempting, but over time, how you are being treated could harm your well-being.

Give yourself some distance

Taking a step back and gaining some distance from things can help you have a moment to let intense feelings calm down. This could involve physically leaving the room or, if that isn’t possible, grounding techniques like deep breathing can help you to feel more collected, calm, and ready to talk through the issue at hand.

Save any evidence

Making you doubt yourself, outright lying, or denying things you know to be true can all be common gaslighting techniques. Because these can make you question yourself, your memories, and your reactions, saving evidence can help you to feel more comfortable and confident in remembering your experiences. This could mean keeping a written record like a journal, saving or taking screenshots of texts or instant messages, and keeping emails. By doing this, you will have something tangible you can look back on later – and even share with others – to remind yourself that you shouldn’t doubt or question yourself. 

Speak with someone you trust

Talking with someone outside of the situation or relationship can help you to gain a new perspective while giving you the chance to lay out all of your concerns. It can be helpful to go to a friend, family member, or colleague you trust to give an objective opinion. If in doubt, think: If a friend were saying this to me, would I be worried about them? An outside opinion can help you to ‘reality check’ what is happening. 

By seeking support from friends, family, or colleagues, you are helping to build a stronger support network to help counter the effects of gaslighting. Trying to isolate you or make you feel like everyone has turned against you are common techniques used as part of gaslighting. Reestablishing your connections can help you to feel more supported and heard. 

Set boundaries

Boundaries help us to protect our physical and emotional well-being. Setting out clear expectations of how you want to be treated not only helps you to foster a sense of self-respect, but it lets others know ahead of time what you will and won’t accept within that relationship (be it romantic, family, working, or with friends). Make it clear that you won’t allow your feelings to be trivialised, that you trust your own perceptions and feelings, and that you will disengage from conversations where others try to make you doubt yourself or your reality. 

Learn more about gaslighting

Knowledge is power. Educating yourself on the signs of gaslighting, reading about others’ experiences, and talking with others with shared experiences can all help you to feel more comfortable and confident in your knowledge and understanding. This can help you to better recognise the signs and learn to counter manipulations when you see them happening. 

Consider if the relationship is safe and salvageable

This can seem difficult or like a drastic step, but if someone repeatedly gaslights you, refuses to respect your boundaries, and puts your mental health and well-being at risk, ending the relationship might be the best way to protect yourself. 

Look after yourself

Practice self-care. Gaslighting can take a toll – emotionally, mentally, physically – on you, as it can lead to feelings of stress and anxiety (and all the related symptoms). Ensuring you are making time to relax and do activities that bring you joy can help you to feel more rested, rejuvenated, and resilient.

Working with a therapist for gaslighting 

Working with a counsellor or therapist can be a good way of talking to someone you can trust in a safe, judgement-free, confidential environment. A qualified, experienced therapist can help you to talk through and process your experiences, develop coping strategies, learn to spot the signs of gaslighting and emotional abuse, and work towards rebuilding your trust in yourself – and how you see yourself, too.

Counselling offers the opportunity to be heard, to come to terms with your situation, and to find healthy ways of moving forward. Even if it has been some time since you experienced gaslighting, the effects can be lasting. Having the opportunity to come to terms with what happened can help you to work through how you are feeling and to learn more about your options moving forward.

If you’re experiencing gaslighting or emotional manipulation, working with a counsellor or therapist can offer personalised guidance and support tailored to your needs. Find out more about how to find a therapist or use our advanced search to find a therapist who can help you.