What is jealousy?
Jealousy can happen to everyone and can range from niggling worries to overwhelming fear. It usually happens when someone anticipates a real or imagined threat to the quality of an important relationship. That relationship can be with a family member, romantic partner, friend, co-worker, or anyone close to you.
Jealousy can affect how we feel, think, and behave. You might feel anxious about losing someone important to you, worry that your partner is interested in someone else, or find yourself wanting reassurance about your relationship.
While occasional feelings of jealousy are common, they can become difficult to manage if worries are persistent or start affecting your relationships or everyday life.
What causes jealousy?
Jealousy can affect relationships in different ways. It may be linked to low self-esteem, insecurity, or a fear of abandonment. Someone who has experienced infidelity in a previous relationship may also find themselves feeling more jealous.
Most of us have experienced that slight tinge of jealousy, but it’s when those worries or fears take over that relationships can become much more difficult.
Signs of jealousy in relationships
Jealousy can sometimes affect how someone treats others. You may find yourself feeling uncomfortable around them or even feel like you're walking on eggshells. Some behaviours that may accompany jealousy include:
- They criticise you often, from what you’ve achieved to the decisions you make.
- Their compliments are ‘backhanded’ and never appear genuine, somehow making you feel ‘less than’.
- They are possessive of you and suspicious of the people around you, especially when someone new comes into your life.
- They always have a bigger or better story to tell, often trying to upstage or belittle your experience.
- They can be passive-aggressive. This can look like talking about you behind your back, avoiding you, or not communicating directly what is bothering them.
Jealousy is a common emotion, but persistent controlling or intimidating behaviour can be a sign of emotional abuse. If you're worried about your partner's behaviour or feel unsafe, Refuge offers support for women experiencing domestic abuse, while Respect's Men's Advice Line supports men experiencing domestic abuse.
What is the difference between jealousy and envy?
Most of us have heard of the expression "green-eyed monster", but how do we work out the difference between jealousy and envy? Although jealousy and envy can both stem from insecurity, they are two very different emotions.
Jealousy often involves a fear of losing someone or something important to you. It can bring anger or bitterness, often showing up in relationships with other people.
Envy is the longing to have something that belongs to someone else. It can cause feelings of sadness or regret from underlying thoughts such as ‘others have done better than me’ or ‘I haven’t done enough’. Fortunately, envy can sometimes act as a catalyst for change and can be overcome.
Overcoming envy by building self-esteem
If you are struggling with envious feelings, you could see it as an opportunity to work on your sense of self-worth. You could try some of the following techniques to lessen the perceived gap between what others have and what you have:
- identify the fundamental difference between envy and jealousy
- practise self-compassion
- keep a gratitude journal and note the things you are grateful for in your life
- talk to a therapist about the way you tend to put your own achievements down.
In this video, counsellor Claire Black MBACP Accredited, MSc, explains more about self-esteem, the benefits of therapy, and how to find the right counsellor for you.
What if it’s me that feels jealous?
Jealousy can show itself physically and emotionally. It may cause you to feel anxious or depressed. Other physical symptoms include an uncomfortable sensation in the pit of your stomach, sleep issues, or loss of appetite.
You may also notice what situations or people tend to trigger these jealous feelings. You might feel jealous at work, for example, if someone gets a promotion before you. Or if your partner embarks on a relationship with a friend you feel jealous of. Some people feel retrospective jealousy (jealousy about a partner's past romantic or sexual relationships). This is also called retroactive jealousy. You might even feel jealous in family relationships, such as when a sibling is favoured by other family members.
Recognising feelings of jealousy can sometimes help you reflect on your needs and relationships. However, if these feelings become overwhelming or start affecting your behaviour, finding healthy ways to manage them can help.
How can I deal with jealousy?
It might be that you can't stop jealousy altogether, but there are steps you can take to address these feelings, such as:
- Talk with your partner. If you have noticed jealous feelings, being open with your partner can be a good way forward. Calmly explain what is making you feel this way. Relationship counselling, also known as couples therapy, offers the chance to speak with a qualified, impartial professional who can guide you through your concerns.
- Practise meditation. Meditation teaches us to stay more present. Jealousy can propel us into worrying about what happened in the past or being fearful about what might happen in the future. So by practising meditation regularly, you can be less reactive and more centred.
- Assess your expectations. It's a good idea to think about your expectations of your relationship with that person. If they don't meet those expectations, it is worth working towards a middle ground without placing blame or making accusations.
- Speak to a counsellor. Couples counselling can help you work through communication barriers, but it may also be worth seeking professional help one-to-one to address jealousy.
If feelings of jealousy are causing significant distress, affecting your daily life or leading to behaviour you find difficult to control, speak to your GP for advice and support.
Can counselling help with jealousy?
Many people find that working with a counsellor or psychotherapist can be helpful. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to treating jealousy, so it’s about finding the right kind of counsellor or therapy that suits you. Approaches such as couples counselling, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and psychotherapy may help people explore and manage feelings of jealousy.
Counselling can provide a supportive space to explore feelings of jealousy, understand underlying insecurities, and work towards healthier communication and relationships.
Through counselling, you can explore the root causes of jealousy, identify any triggers, and talk about how jealousy affects your life while working towards a healthier relationship with yourself and others.
If feelings of jealousy are affecting your relationships or wellbeing, talking to a counsellor could help. Find a counsellor and take the next step towards understanding and managing these feelings.
