Is there really sex with no strings?
Written by listed counsellor/psychotherapist: Jill Mitev-Will BA(Hons) MBACP (registered)
17th November, 20160 Comments
Sex with no strings is advertised as though it's freely available and has no consequences and that the idea is to meet and have uncomplicated sex with no strings. It almost sounds perfect for those with busy lives wanting a 'quick fix' as it were without the emotional involvement.
However, in reality, I began to question what 'sex with no strings' really means? And more importantly, my question is 'are there no consequences?' From working with clients that have engaged in this 'no strings sex' it appeared to be the reverse!
As an independent mature woman who has always thought intimate sexual relationships to be highly important, satisfying and joyous resulting in a deeper connection with a partner, I felt I am just not understanding the 'sex with no strings' concept. I further thought well if I believe that you make love/have sex with the mind as well as your body, how could an individual achieve claims that sex with no strings has no consequences? How can one have great sex, have inner freedom vital to good sex, feel safe, with a stranger they may have only met up with one time over the internet agreeing to have casual sex?
I am aware that many people I have asked this question too, including a close family member, have told me that on reflection, they have thought it would be 'cool' to do this believing it to be exciting, fun, and gave them control at the time to satisfy their own physical needs. However, the after effects seemed to outweigh the positives as some felt tortured by feelings of abandonment, loneliness, dirty ,self-loathing, unfulfilled and by the morning they felt even more 'unloved'. Waking up with a stranger in your bed at some very early time on a Saturday morning. Listening to your no strings lover talking on his/her mobile to his/her wife/ husband made them feel 'not in control 'as they had felt the previous evening! As their one night stand no strings lover drove away from their cheap hotel room to return to their partner, with no breakfast on the itinerary, seeing their clothes strewn around the hotel floor certainly didn't seem to tick any boxes. In fact, some people claimed it seemed like a form of self-harm.
As the day continued and they looked at their mobiles hoping for confirmation that they were great lovers and can we meet again, it simply did not happen.
So what of the consequences? Well, one person told me the so-called one night sex hook up had turned into a complete nightmare by his no strings lover (this had been agreed by both parties in principal) who after the night of wild passion (that actually wasn't that wild as it was tinged with awkwardness), his no strings lady bombarded him with texts claiming to have fallen in love with him, then the phone would continually ring, he even thought he may get stalked!
Another person claimed that his no strings lover had in fact found out his home address from doing a search online and actually turned up on his doorstep telling his wife that she and her husband were an item! Whilst another lady thought she had covered her tracks only to drop a receipt on the floor for a Friday night hotel bill, explaining that to her partner was lets say tricky!
One theme ran through all my findings and that was they all really wanted something to fill the void they were experiencing in their lives. Finding love and an emotional connection was indeed what they were really seeking. The loneliness they were currently feeling in their current relationships was indeed further magnified after their no strings sex!
I therefore concluded that working on their current relationships to include getting the fun back was for many the way forward. The no strings sex indeed seemed to come with its own set of complications!
So, therefore my own quotation is 'the grass isn't greener only different!'
About the author
I have a delightful room in my home that provides a safe place for one to talk through their concerns. I also practice from Norwich and Bury St Edmunds. I think you will find me warm, welcoming, non-judgemental, empathic with a quirky energetic style of working. Jill Mitev-Will BA(Hons).
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