Working with dissociated anger and lost memory in trauma therapy

Trauma therapy does not always follow a linear arc. Some of the most profound shifts surface not in the early days of therapy, but years into the work - quietly, and often unexpectedly. Clients may present as high-functioning, insightful, and articulate, yet remain fragmented inside. They survive through performance, masking the deeper ruptures still seeking repair.

In this kind of work, the therapist’s role becomes one of deep stillness - bearing witness, staying present, and holding space for truths that were too dangerous to know at the time they occurred.

Relational survival strategies

Many trauma survivors learned early to secure attachment at the cost of authenticity. Their coping becomes relational: pleasing, attuning, managing others’ emotions, often at the expense of their own. This “good client” presentation can obscure the full extent of internal distress.

Therapeutically, this demands attunement not just to what is said, but to what is absent. Silences, hesitations, and somatic responses often speak louder than narrative. Mistrust, compliance, and heightened sensitivity to female caregivers may reveal attachment ruptures or betrayal trauma beneath the surface.

Attachment and the ambivalence of love

Survivors who experienced abuse within caregiving relationships carry a particularly complex legacy. They may have loved - and still long for - the very person who harmed them. The abuser may have also been their source of safety, nourishment, or affection. This emotional entanglement creates profound internal conflict.

Therapeutic work in this terrain requires delicacy. The psyche’s need to preserve a cohesive attachment figure can result in denial, idealisation, or dissociation of the abuser’s actions. Questioning this internalised loyalty may feel like betrayal, even when the rational adult self knows the truth.

Dissociation and the return of memory

It is not uncommon for memories to return long after the actual abuse has ended - sometimes years after the perpetrator has died. This delayed recall is not evidence of fabrication, but of the psyche’s wisdom. Dissociation protects the individual until they have sufficient internal and external safety to face what was once unbearable.

When such memories surface, they may arrive in fragments - body sensations, images, affective states. The therapist must meet these with steadiness, resisting the urge to force coherence or certainty. This is not detective work. It is the slow rebuilding of trust within the self.

Anger turned inward: From fury to depression

For many survivors, anger was never safe to feel, let alone express. Instead, it is split off or redirected inward. What might have been rage becomes depression. The client may present with exhaustion, apathy, or persistent self-criticism. These are not signs of failure, but adaptations to chronic invalidation.

In therapy, anger may emerge in curious ways: irritation at perceived slights, frustration in the room, or despair at the world’s injustices. Each is an invitation to reconnect with a once-vital emotional truth. Reclaiming anger is often a necessary act of healing - not a threat, but a return to aliveness.

The protective function of avoidance

Avoidance behaviours - gaming, binge-watching, hyper-productivity - are often framed as resistance. But they can be understood differently: as protective strategies rooted in earlier survival. For many, immersion in an alternative world provided a sense of control, mastery, or escape from danger.

Rather than pathologising these behaviours, therapy can explore what function they served, and what need they continue to meet. In doing so, the client can begin to integrate rather than exile these coping parts, learning to replace shame with self-compassion.

Recognising dissociative anger

Dissociative anger often goes unnoticed - masked, misdirected, or internalised. Clients may not identify it as anger, instead reporting:

• chronic irritability or low mood
• unexplained anxiety or depression
• physical symptoms (tight jaw, gut issues)
• sudden outbursts followed by numbness
• emotional shutdown in response to intimacy or criticism
• trouble naming feelings beyond “fine” or “tired”

Clients may insist they’re “not angry people,” or describe intense moments with emotional distance. This can suggest a disconnect between experience and awareness, often rooted in dissociation.

Therapists may notice subtle shifts - tone, posture, focus - that lead back to early wounds. As therapy progresses, these dissociated responses become integrated into the client’s emotional life.

What to expect in therapy

Trauma-informed therapy recognises that early neglect or abuse lives on through reactions: volatility, mistrust, withdrawal, or relational conflict.

Therapy supports understanding how present-day anger may echo past pain. Key goals include:

• Identifying when anger arises and what it echoes.
• Exploring emotional patterns linked to early relationships.
• Naming deeper feelings beneath irritability.
• Developing healthier responses: grounding, boundaries, assertiveness.

Therapists help clients detect when their nervous system is reacting to the past, not the present, offering space to reframe, not relive.

Approaches may also include:

• Working with protective parts (e.g. internal family systems).
• Somatic tools for emotional regulation.
• Recognising anger as a protective message, not a fault.

This article was developed with the assistance of AI technology (ChatGPT by OpenAI) to support the author in structuring, refining, and expressing complex therapeutic ideas. As a writer with dyslexia, the use of AI has significantly enhanced my ability to communicate clearly and confidently, without altering the authenticity or content of my professional reflections.