When anxiety looks like anger: a guide for parents

When parents think about anxiety, they often picture a teenager who is constantly worrying, having panic attacks or struggling to leave the house. Sometimes anxiety does look like that, but for many young people, anxiety can show up in ways that parents don't expect. One of the most common examples is anger.

Parents might describe their teenager as being irritable, argumentative or quick to snap. There may be slammed doors, short answers or frustration over things that seem small. Naturally, the focus often becomes the behaviour itself, but what if we asked, "What's underneath the anger?"

Quite often, when we spend time exploring what's going on, we discover that underneath the frustration is fear, worry or anxiety.

Anxiety is a normal part of being human

Before going any further, it's important to say that anxiety itself isn't a bad thing.

Anxiety is a normal human emotion that we all experience. It can motivate us to revise for exams, prepare for interviews and work towards goals that matter to us. If we're worried about something, it often means we care about it.

The challenge comes when those anxious feelings become overwhelming or start affecting day-to-day life. Young people often tell me they have anxiety, and anxiety has become a bit of a buzzword in recent years. However, there is a difference between experiencing normal anxious feelings and having an anxiety disorder, which would need to be assessed by a GP.

For parents, it can sometimes be difficult to know where that line is.

Why anxiety can come out as anger

When we feel anxious, we're often experiencing a sense of threat. That threat may not be physical danger. It might be an upcoming exam, friendship difficulties, worries about fitting in or concerns about the future. However, the brain doesn't always distinguish between a physical threat and an emotional one.

When that alarm system is activated, we can move into what is often known as a fight, flight or freeze response. Most people think of anxiety as flight. They imagine a young person avoiding situations or wanting to escape, but fight is part of that response too.

Sometimes anxiety looks like defensiveness. Sometimes it looks like frustration. Sometimes it looks like anger. A teenager who feels overwhelmed may not have the words to explain what they're feeling. Anger can become the emotion that everyone sees, while anxiety remains hidden beneath.

The less obvious signs of anxiety

Anger is not the only sign that can be missed. Over the years, I've worked with many young people whose anxiety showed up in ways that didn't immediately look like anxiety at all.

Perfectionism is one example. A teenager may put huge amounts of pressure on themselves to get everything right. They might spend excessive amounts of time on homework, become distressed by mistakes or feel that anything less than perfect is a failure.

For some young people, anxiety affects their sleep. They may struggle to fall asleep because their mind won't switch off, or they may wake throughout the night worrying about things that are worrying them.

Others might notice changes in their eating habits. Some lose their appetite when they're anxious, while others find comfort in eating more. Withdrawal can also be a sign. A young person who once enjoyed spending time with friends may begin to avoid social situations or spend more time alone.

These aren't things that parents automatically associate with anxiety, which is why they can sometimes go unnoticed.

The pressures young people face today

I think we have to recognise that young people today are growing up in a very different environment to previous generations. One of the biggest differences is that so much of their lives are lived publicly.

For many teenagers, there can be a feeling of constantly being observed, judged, or compared to others. Social media can create enormous pressure around appearance, friendships and success. What makes it particularly difficult is that young people often compare themselves to carefully edited highlights of someone else's life.

Many teenagers also feel pressure about their future. They are expected to make decisions about GCSEs, further education and careers at a stage in life when they are still working out who they are. Some feel as though they should already know exactly what they want to do with the rest of their lives.

School itself can be another source of stress. Not every young person fits comfortably into the traditional academic model. Some students are highly creative or practical learners and may find the focus on exams particularly challenging.

Alongside friendship issues, bullying, identity and family difficulties, it's not surprising that many teenagers feel overwhelmed from time to time.

The importance of staying connected

Parents often come to therapy asking what they should do if they think their teenager is struggling. My answer is usually not particularly complicated: keep talking.

I know this can be easier said than done. Teenagers naturally become more independent and often spend more time in their bedrooms. That's a normal part of growing up. However, it's important to find ways of maintaining connection.

One thing I often encourage families to think about is creating regular opportunities to spend time together. It might be eating dinner together a few times a week. It might be a walk, a car journey or another shared activity where conversation can happen naturally.

Sometimes asking different questions can help too. Instead of "How was your day?", which often gets a one-word answer, you might ask:

• What made you laugh today?
• What was the most difficult part of your day?
• Was there anything that worried you today?
• What's one thing you're looking forward to?

I also think it's important that parents share parts of their own experiences. When young people hear that adults have difficult days, feel worried sometimes, and have found ways to cope, it helps normalise those feelings.

Helping teenagers understand what is happening

One of the things counselling can offer is helping young people understand what happens in their brain and body when they feel anxious.

Many are relieved to learn that there is a reason their heart races, their stomach feels unsettled, or they find it hard to think clearly. Once they understand the role of the brain's alarm system, those feelings can become a little less frightening. We might then explore techniques such as breathing exercises, grounding activities or identifying patterns in anxious thoughts.

However, I think one of the most powerful things is simply giving young people space to talk. Many have been carrying worries around for weeks or months before they speak about them. Sometimes being listened to without judgement is the first step towards feeling better.

If your teenager appears angry, withdrawn, or difficult to reach, try to stay curious. That doesn't mean accepting hurtful behaviour or having no boundaries. But it can be helpful to look beyond the behaviour itself and wonder what might be driving it.

Sometimes anger is anger, but sometimes anger is anxiety wearing a disguise. And when young people feel understood rather than judged, they're often much more willing to let us see what is really going on underneath.