Parenting teens: Letting go without feeling left behind

Seeing your child grow up and move from childhood into adolescence and beyond is a bittersweet experience for most parents and carers. On the one hand, you see them develop into their own person, trying new things, making new friends and navigating the ups and downs of secondary school like a champ. On the other hand, you may feel a pang of nostalgia for the relationship you once had, where they relied on you for everything, from picking out their socks to bandaging a scraped knee when they've taken a tumble. Now, instead of asking for your help, they want to work things out on their own - even if it means making mistakes along the way.

Letting go of your child as they grow up is challenging. Many parents and carers struggle to find the right balance between giving them their independence and maintaining that all-important connection. Gradually letting go and finding increased independence are vital parts of adolescence. Your teenage child needs autonomy to develop confidence, the skills to make decisions, and the flexibility to bounce back from life's ups and downs. 

So, why does this shift toward independence happen, and why is it so important?

Why does independence matter?

Your child's brain is developing extensively throughout their pre-teen and teenage years (and beyond), and part of this development naturally pushes them towards independence. This shift toward independence is completely natural - it happened to you as a teenager, too! It's also fairly typical for parents to worry about their child's safety, particularly when part of their learning about how to be good at making decisions involves making some not-so-great decisions.

There is also an element of feeling your child is turning away from you at this time, and you feel left out of your teen's life. However, the benefits of this independence are that their self-confidence increases as they become more skilful at problem-solving, and it also allows them to be more responsible and accountable for their choices and actions. 

Shifting your role: From manager to mentor

As your child grows and develops, your role as their parent must also change and evolve. Think of it as moving from the role of 'manager' to one of a mentor - someone to support and guide them. Rather than feeling like you're no longer needed (because you absolutely are), you can take a step back, showing them your trust. While this shift can take some time, getting used to it is vital - no one likes a micromanager, and excessive control will soon backfire.

So, trusting your teen is essential for their independence, but how can you do that within safe limits? 

Setting boundaries without being controlling

• Clear expectations: Structure and routines help everyone. The key is to balance this with flexibility.
• Negotiation skills: Most teens love a debate, so involving them in setting boundaries makes them more likely to stick to them. That said, some rules - especially around safety - should remain non-negotiable.
• Natural consequences: Let them make mistakes and learn from them. How can they work out how to do things better if someone is always jumping in and fixing them? This also goes for consequences set outside of the family unit. For example, if the school rule is that a specific pair of socks must be worn and your child gets into trouble for wearing the wrong ones, let them face the consequences from the school. I talk to many parents stressed about their kids not adhering to school rules about uniforms or make-up. Let them make their choice and then face up to the consequences set by the school. Schools are very good at setting boundaries and consequences, so let them follow through. 

Keep connected

Although you're in the process of letting them go to do their own thing and be their own person, your connection with your child doesn't have to (nor should it) get weaker. When you are together, make the most of this time. The key is to prioritise quality of time together rather than quantity.

Keep it low-pressure; it doesn't have to be sitting down and having an intense conversation about every little thing. Check in on them when you're giving them a lift, take the dog for a walk together, or watch a favourite programme on television together (one they like watching).

They will be spending more time away from you, disappearing into their rooms, and spending more time with their friends, and this is part of their growth. Don't take it personally, but keep lines of communication open.

Looking after yourself

The best way to show your teen how to be responsible and to be able to look after themself is to recognise how you're feeling and how your anxiety about parenting might be showing up. Being a parent as your child moves into and through adolescence is hard! But, by cutting yourself some slack and recognising this letting go as a process, you can help make this transition feel (relatively) more manageable.

It's inevitable, so if you can go with it rather than fight against it, things will feel less tense. When your teen makes mistakes, recognise this as part of their growth and show them how to let go of perfectionism by letting go of your perfectionism. Just as there's no such thing as a perfect teenager, and you wouldn't want that for your kid, there's no such thing as a perfect parent. Focus more on long-term connection rather than short-term control. 

Remember, letting go is a process - turn your focus on keeping connected with your teenager. They need you just as much as ever; it just doesn't always look or feel like that. Trust yourself and trust your teen. 

Your teen’s growing independence isn’t a sign that they don’t need you - it’s proof that you’ve done your job well.