Teen talk unlocked: Improving communication with your child

Do you ever wonder how and when your relationship with your child became more... complicated? And will you ever return to the easy, good-natured chats you used to have? It can hurt to feel your adolescent child has closed off communication, and it's scary to imagine that your child might not come to you when they are in trouble or having a tricky time because communicating simple things has become overwhelmingly fraught and challenging.

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You're not alone. It's a surprisingly common experience for parents and carers of tweens and teens. Understanding why your teen or nearly teenage child has seemed to close off can help give you insight into what's happening and find ways to improve your communication and connection.

It's important to remember that a significant part of adolescence is about seeking autonomy. This need arises from the developmental changes occurring at this stage; it is a natural part of becoming an adult. Your child must establish independence, learn to care for themselves and navigate the world without your assistance. For them to find this independence, your teen needs to have their own space, away from you, and as a result, are more likely to close off and become a little more reserved.

Teenagers are also more vulnerable emotionally as their feelings become very intense and changeable due to hormonal changes, but they don't have the ability just yet to be able to articulate how they're feeling effectively.


5 effective communication strategies

Building and maintaining a strong connection with your teen requires patience and adaptability. Here are some proven strategies to improve communication:

1. Create a safe space

Establish a safe space where your teen can share what's going on without being judged. And the way to establish this is to show them that you can listen to their thoughts and feelings when they share them without judgement.

2. Be present without pushing

You may find yourself asking repeatedly, "What's going on? Is everything OK?" but getting nothing back. This is not unusual with teenagers! The key is to be physically and emotionally present, so they feel you are there for them without pressuring them to talk. They are much more likely to open up to you.

3. Choose the right time

Timing is everything. The best, most honest and most open conversations happen during low-pressure activities, like car rides or cooking together. It's often easier to have these conversations when you are physically side-by-side rather than eye-to-eye across the kitchen bench. Gaming or watching videos together (their choice) are also excellent options for a chat.

4. Listen rather than solving

While they might want help finding solutions, you must show them that you hear what they say. Listen to them and show an interest in what they're saying. Think of it as gathering information and being curious rather than having your focus on 'fixing'. Show them this by validating what they're letting you know; for example, you could say, "That sounds rough", "Then what happened?" or "Tell me more about that."

5. Model healthy communication

Show them what good communication skills look like by expressing what you're thinking and feeling clearly and calmly. Be open and honest with them - you don't have to tell them every little thing, but if you've had a tough day at work and are feeling exhausted, share this with them (keeping in mind point three above!). 


Balancing support and space

It can feel like there's a thin line between being supportive and giving your teen or nearly teenage child some space. They do need some privacy, so try to respect this.

Trust your instincts here; you know them best of all - do you think they need to talk this through, or do they just need a bit of time and space to work through how they're feeling? If you're not sure, you could ask them just this. With time, they will also understand that they can reach out to you for support when needed. Their ability to do this will ebb and flow as they move through adolescence, so finding a balance is crucial.


When communication is extra challenging

Parenting is not an exact science. Conversations will not always go as planned; in fact, they will more likely go differently than how you had it planned in your head. It's like tricky conversations with anyone - because humans can be tricky! It's OK. Think about what worked well and what didn't, and work out how things can improve next time. The truth is, it's most often a matter of timing - when you have the conversation.

If you're finding communication barriers between you and your child persisting and it's getting in the way of your relationship and impacting how you're feeling, counselling for parents can help. You can discuss your challenges and strategies to create a calmer, happier home environment.

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author. All articles published on Counselling Directory are reviewed by our editorial team.

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Lewes, East Sussex, BN7
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Written by Jennifer Warwick
MSc Psych, MBACP Counsellor and Parenting Expert
location_on Lewes, East Sussex, BN7
I am a BACP registered counsellor specialising in working with parents and carers of tweens and teens. I help them navigate the ups and downs of adolescence while developing practical strategies to strengthen connections and create a calmer, happier family life. I also offer single-session therapy.
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