Healing after a difficult birth

If your birth didn’t go as you had hoped for, it’s common to be left feeling distressed. In fact, at least one in four women is left feeling distressed after their birth. This article explores why this can happen and what steps you can take towards healing.

Before reading this article, you may just want to take a moment to consider if it feels like the right time for you to explore this topic. It’s completely okay to come back later if it feels like too much right now. If you start to feel overwhelmed as you read more, it’s also okay to take a few slow breaths and remind yourself that you are safe at this moment. 

What can make a birth leave a lasting impact?

Many people assume that a birth has to involve an emergency or life-threatening situation to leave a lasting impact. But this isn’t the case. Often, what matters most is not the events themselves, but how you felt and how you were treated during the birth. Experiences such as not feeling heard, feeling excluded from decisions, or feeling judged or dismissed can leave a lasting mark.

Birth trauma and PTSD

The term ‘birth trauma’ is used to describe a birth that has left you feeling distressed. The key thing here is that no one else can decide whether your birth was traumatic — what matters is how it felt for you and how it has affected your well-being.

You may also have heard of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This is a clinical diagnosis for symptoms that can develop after a traumatic event. While a formal diagnosis requires certain criteria to be met, it’s important to know that you can still feel deeply impacted by a difficult birth even if you don’t meet the full criteria for PTSD.

How a difficult birth can affect you

A difficult birth can affect you in many ways in the weeks and years that follow. Some common experiences include:

• Anxiety: You might notice symptoms such as racing thoughts, feeling overwhelmed, a rapid heartbeat, or trouble sleeping.
• Feeling disconnected from your baby: Sometimes it’s hard to bond, or you may feel the urge to avoid your baby, as they can be a reminder of the birth.
• Reliving the birth: Flashbacks, memories, or nightmares may make it feel like you are experiencing the birth again.
• Overwhelming emotions or numbness: Intense emotions (such as sadness or anger) or emotional numbness are common reactions.
• Avoidance: You may find yourself avoiding people, places, or conversations that remind you of the birth.
• Changes in future plans: Some people notice they no longer want more children.

Steps toward healing after a difficult birth

A traumatic birth can deeply affect your postpartum experience, but healing is possible. While everyone’s journey is unique, there are some common steps that this process can include:

1. Acknowledging that your birth did not go as you hoped

The first step can often be recognising that your birth experience was not what you hoped for. This can bring up a mix of emotions — disappointment, anger, resentment, or even envy of others. These feelings are natural and understandable.

If your birth didn’t go as planned, it’s normal to grieve the loss of the birth you had hoped for. Exploring and understanding these emotions can help you process them. One way to do this is through journaling. Writing down your thoughts and feelings can help you clarify what you are experiencing and give voice to emotions that may feel overwhelming. Therapy can also provide a supportive space to explore and process your emotions.

2. Building self-compassion after a difficult birth

It’s common for parents to blame themselves after a difficult birth. When reality doesn’t match expectations, our minds often jump to the conclusion that we must have done something wrong. And these inner critical thoughts are interpreted by our brain as a threat, which can just create even more anxiety and exhaustion.

Letting go of self-blame can be an important step toward healing. One way to do this is by cultivating self-compassion. Self-compassion is the opposite of self-criticism: it means acknowledging your suffering in the moment and offering yourself the same care and understanding you would give a friend.

From a place of self-compassion, it becomes easier to move through our suffering and to start making meaningful steps forward. Building self-compassion happens by practising in small moments where possible. Over time, self-compassion will outweigh self-criticism. 

In my therapy practice, I also use compassion-focused therapy, which can be particularly helpful if you are struggling to overcome self-critical thoughts on your own. In therapy, we are better able to focus on any blocks or resistance you have to self-compassion. 

3. Processing the trauma

For traumatic memories to stop controlling your present, they need to be integrated into long-term memory. Understanding how the brain responds during trauma can help explain why this is necessary.

• During a traumatic event, your brain focuses on survival. This means that non-essential sections of the brain go offline.
• This means that, unlike usual, memories are not stored in an organised way.
• As a result, certain moments or triggers can bring back intense memories or fragments of the event in an uncontrolled way.

Processing traumatic memories involves being able to connect to a sense of safety before exploring the difficult memories. This allows the memories to be stored in a way that they no longer arise in a fragmented or overwhelming way.

Working with a therapist who understands trauma — and the unique challenges of birth trauma — can provide guidance and support through this process. With this support, you can safely process memories and start to reduce distress and regain a sense of control over your present.

Final thoughts 

Before you finish reading, you might like to pause for a moment. Notice your breath, notice what’s around you, or rest your hand on something that feels steady. Remind yourself that right now, in this moment, you are safe. Taking a few seconds to ground yourself after exploring this topic can be valuable before you move into the rest of your day. 

If you’d like to learn more about how a professional can support you, reach out to a therapist to start the conversation.