Being a raft in the storm of divorce

Recently I was saddened to hear of the demise of Dads Unlimited. Dads Unlimited were a charity who helped men who were going through divorce/relationship breakdown. Men who were also struggling through the Family Law Courts. Struggling to be heard, believed. Men who were trying to secure meaningful contact with their children. 

I counselled many of these men and am also a divorced father who has had this struggle. It was immensely tough but also rewarding work. Even tougher for those men going through divorce.

At the same time, a fellow counsellor told me about the upheavals in Relate and how it has resulted in the lessening of services available to men in particular, but not at the exclusion of women either. While speaking with said counsellor, they made me aware of the DWP Mediation voucher scheme.

Since the new divorce procedures have come into effect, a mandated part of the process has been mediation. For which a £500 voucher towards the mediation is available. It is not often I will be congratulatory about government initiatives, especially regarding mental health, but this one I am a lot less critical of.

So, two valuable resources are now out of the equation for men and women. I wonder how this could possibly be seen as a positive development. The part of me that believes that each of us needs and deserves help and support is outraged at this. The wounded rescuer wants to step in and try and save everyone in this horrible situation.

Fortunately, the training I received as a counsellor, as well as a strong self-awareness, stops me short of stepping in and trying to rescue everyone (and suffering as a consequence!). I still feel a personal need to do what I can, though. I am fortunate to have had the opportunity to do this while working with Dads Unlimited as well as in private practice. In private practice, I have also seen female clients in the same situation.

Although as a counsellor I do not give advice or suggest what to do, I prefer to see people who have gone through the mediation. In my experience they are better placed to recover. To be able to go on and live decent, fulfilling lives. Yes they need time to heal and recover but the opportunity is much more readily available. 

Although people divorcing quite often see the break-up and ensuing struggles, especially with the courts, as final, it is anything but that. Understandably, when faced with so many problems around courts, feelings, children, and life changes, many people do not have the capacity to consider what happens after the divorce/separation is done. I certainly was not able to do so.

When counselling people in these circumstances, it feels like I am one piece of the raft that the person needs. The life raft! Quite literally with some people. I offer a space where the person is safe, not pressured, with no expectations of them. In this space the person is free to rage, shout, cry, bemoan the other party and feel righteous self pity. 

Does this help, you might ask? I have to say, without a shadow of doubt, that yes, it does. Immensely! With Dads Unlimited, the maximum number of sessions was 12. I was amazed at the change of outlook, the improved sense of self, and the increase in resilience over just 12 sessions.

Some people chose to extend into private practice after the 12 low-fee sessions finished. The progress I described continued until they felt comfortable ending the sessions.

I offered no solutions, made no criticism; instead, I acknowledged the person's pain and grief. By listening to them, the person felt heard and not ignored, which is all too commonly an experience of the court process. I held a space in which they were able to do what was necessary for themselves.

Sounds simple, but it is not. The person does the work. My work is developing the relationship and keeping the space for the client. And yes, it is work. Exhausting emotionally and physically. It is also immensely rewarding being able to see a person move from actual victim to survivor. To then see the person move from survivor to thriver is one of the most rewarding experiences.

One side of this work I want to acknowledge is those people who are so overwhelmed, so hurt, so devastated that they are unable to cope. For some, the only way of coping is by numbing those feelings with drink, drugs, unrewarding relationships, eating, gambling etc etc. I hope for all of them that when the pain is great enough, they will seek out the solution. There are those who take their own lives in these circumstances, and I sincerely hope they find the peace they seek. I offer my condolences to those who knew them. 

My heart goes out to anyone whose relationship is at this stage. I feel no one entering a relationship does so considering its end. Divorce is rarely pain and conflict-free. The person we felt love for, had children with, and planned a future with may no longer be recognisable as the same person. We feel rejection, blame, shame, as well as anxiety about what the future will be like. Financial strain is real. An often abrupt and grief-stricken change in the relationship with our children features in the mix of very negative and depressive mix of emotions.

Be you male or female, we are not spared this awful set of feelings. It is often expressed by the person seeking counselling that they no longer recognise themselves and who they might become.

I offer that, by seeking counselling during these times, you are anything but weak and unable to deal with life. The opposite is true.

You are acknowledging a need and responding by finding a way to attend to that need. When your car stops working or your laptop freezes, you do not blame yourself. Most of us recognise we do not have the skills necessary to fix a car or laptop. So we seek a mechanic or IT repair specialist. The problem is fixed, and we continue. This is the same with counselling. A sensible consideration of our abilities and then seeking out someone who can help us get back to being what we are best at.

I hope this article helps, and I urge anyone going through divorce to engage with the mediation and counselling. You will be glad you did so.