Healthy co-parenting after separation or divorce

When a relationship ends, we often hear people talk about having an "amicable divorce". It sounds wonderfully straightforward. Two adults accept that their relationship is over, divide their belongings, make sensible arrangements for the children and calmly move forward with their separate lives. In my experience as a therapist, relationship breakdown is rarely that simple.

There is usually grief, even when ending the relationship is ultimately the right decision. There may also be anger, rejection, betrayal, fear and resentment. When children are involved, however, two people are faced with an additional challenge: How do you process the end of your relationship while continuing to parent alongside someone towards whom you may have some very difficult feelings?

Experiencing separation differently

One of the things I often think is overlooked during separation is that two people can be experiencing completely different stages of the same loss.

Although this is certainly not always the case, often one person has made the decision to end the relationship. They may have been considering leaving for months or even years. They may have questioned the relationship, imagined a different future and gradually emotionally detached. By the time they finally say, "I don't want to do this anymore", they may already have processed some of their grief.

For the other person, that same conversation can feel as though a bomb has gone off. Suddenly, the future they thought they had has disappeared. That difference can create enormous anger and hostility. One person may appear to be moving forward, while the other is only beginning to understand what they have lost.

Neither person's emotional experience necessarily makes them wrong. They may simply be at very different points in the grieving process.

You don't have to like your ex to co-parent well

I think this is an important distinction. Healthy co-parenting doesn't require you to become friends with your former partner. You don't have to forgive everything that happened. You don't have to approve of their choices, and you certainly don't have to pretend you aren't hurt.

What matters is learning to separate your feelings about your former partner from your responsibilities towards your children. You can think "I am incredibly angry with this person." while simultaneously recognising "This is still my child's parent." Those two things can exist together.

The therapeutic work is not necessarily about removing the anger. It can be about finding somewhere appropriate for that anger to go. That might be counselling, trusted friends, family, journalling or another safe source of support. Your child should not become the place where you process it.

Children shouldn't have to carry the emotional weight of a separation. In fact, children are often acutely aware of tension between their parents. They notice facial expressions, changes in tone and the uncomfortable silence when one parent's name is mentioned. They may begin monitoring the adults around them and adapting their behaviour accordingly.

A child may stop talking about the lovely weekend they had with Dad because they sense that Mum finds it upsetting. Another child may feel they shouldn't appear too excited about seeing Mum because Dad looks hurt. Without anybody deliberately asking them to, children can begin taking responsibility for their parents' feelings.

One of the greatest gifts separated parents can give their children is permission to continue loving both parents without guilt. If your child comes home excited and tells you they had a wonderful weekend with your ex, you may experience all sorts of feelings internally. You don't have to deny those feelings. But you can still say, "That sounds lovely. I'm really glad you had a good time." Then take your more complicated emotions somewhere safer.

Keep adult communication between adults

When communication becomes difficult, children can inadvertently become messengers:

• "Tell Dad I'm not changing weekends again."
• "Ask Mum why she hasn't paid for the school trip."
• "Tell your dad you'll be staying here on Friday."

It may seem practical, but it puts a child directly into an adult conflict.

Wherever possible, arrangements should be communicated directly between parents. It can also help to keep communication brief, factual and focused on the children, particularly during the early stages of a difficult separation.

You don't have to resolve the history of your relationship every time you discuss who is doing the school run. Sometimes treating the co-parenting relationship almost like a professional relationship can help. Be polite. Be clear. Keep agreements where possible and establish reasonable boundaries.

Learn to pause before responding

One of the most useful skills during a difficult separation can be learning not to respond immediately. 

A message arrives from your former partner, and before you've even finished reading it, you can feel your body reacting. Your heart beats faster. Your muscles tense. You feel angry, threatened or defensive. At that point you may not simply be responding to the message in front of you. You may also be responding to years of hurt.

Unless something genuinely requires an immediate answer, give yourself some space. Ask yourself, does this need answering now? Am I responding to what has actually been said, or to everything I feel about this person? Will the response I am about to send make tomorrow easier or harder? Sometimes a simple response such as, "I've seen your message and I'll come back to you tomorrow" is enough.

Emotional regulation doesn't mean allowing somebody to treat you badly. It means choosing your response rather than allowing your emotions to choose it for you.

Accept that you cannot control the other household

Another difficult transition is accepting that your former partner may parent differently. Perhaps bedtime is later at their house. Perhaps they allow more screen time. Maybe they feed the children differently or have routines you wouldn't choose.

It can be useful to ask yourself: Is this genuinely harmful or is it simply different from how I would do it? Unless there are safeguarding or welfare concerns, part of co-parenting after separation may involve accepting that you cannot control everything that happens in another home. You can maintain your own values and boundaries without having to control theirs.

Divorce is a form of grief

Even when you initiated the separation, you may still grieve. You might grieve the person you once loved, the family unit, your home, friendships, financial security, traditions or simply the future you thought you were going to have.

Grief doesn't always present as sadness. It can look like anger, anxiety, obsessive thinking, difficulty sleeping or an overwhelming desire for the other person to understand how much they have hurt you.

Counselling can provide somewhere to explore those feelings without judgement. Therapy isn't necessarily about forgiving your former partner or deciding that what happened was acceptable. Sometimes it is about reaching the point where their behaviour no longer determines your emotional wellbeing.

It can also help you recognise the difference between a boundary and a punishment. A boundary might be: "I'm happy to discuss arrangements concerning the children, but I'm not going to continue discussing our relationship by text." A punishment is designed to hurt the other person. The distinction matters.

Perhaps we need to redefine a "good divorce"

A healthy divorce doesn't have to mean family holidays together or happily celebrating Christmas with your ex and their new partner. For some families that may eventually be possible. For many it won't be, and that's OK.

You may never reach the point where you particularly like your former partner. Perhaps eventually you simply reach a place where you can think: "That's my child's other parent, and we have found a way to make this work." That can be enough.

When children are involved, perhaps the aim isn't really to have a "good divorce". It is to find a way through the ending that allows the adults to grieve, heal and move forward while protecting the children from carrying emotional burdens that were never theirs to carry.

This article discusses relationship breakdown and ordinary co-parenting conflict. Where there is domestic abuse, coercive control, safeguarding concerns or fear for your own or your children's safety, standard co-parenting advice may not be appropriate. Specialist professional support should be sought.