3 Ways we lose ourselves and how to find 'you' again

Ever feel like you've lost yourself? Like you're not really you anymore? As if you, or your life, has been taken over by something or someone else? Most of us, if not almost everyone, can understand these questions even though they are abstract. I mean, how are you not yourself? You are you, aren't you? Well, maybe and maybe not. It's a simultaneously simple and highly complex question that leads to circular arguments that we can lose ourselves in. Lost in thought. There we go. What an interesting and illuminating phrase. 

So, what do we mean when we say 'I'm not me' or 'I've lost who I am'? How does it happen? Where do we get lost? And, importantly, how do we find ourselves again?

How do we lose (and find) ourselves?

Getting lost in thought

Problem: Lost in thought. 
Answer: Come out of thinking and into sensing.

Remember that famous quote by Descartes? 'I think, therefore I am'? Well, that depends on what we mean by 'I'. Who is it who's doing the thinking? Is it you who is thinking? If it is you, then how do you get lost in thought? Have I lost you yet? Draw yourself back, get out of your mind and get yourself back into being here. Sense your feet on the ground and your body on the chair. For it is the mind that does the thinking, and it is you who can observe the mind at work.

In short, you are not your thoughts. Yes, it might sound like you thinking, as in the internal voice is yours, but it is also possible to sit back and notice thinking. As in, notice thoughts appearing in your mind. So, who is it who is doing the noticing? Well, it's you! You can't be two places at once, can you?

If you are here noticing the thoughts in your mind, then who is it doing the thinking? Well, the answer depends on where you choose to place yourself. Where you place your attention. You can choose to place yourself in the present moment, sensing the world around you and your presence within it, or you can choose to live in your head and get lost in thought. 

This is one way we lose who we are. We lose who we are when we place too much dominance on thinking and spend too little time on simply being. You are not who you think you are! You are far more than that. You will find yourself in your experience of yourself in life. When your whole organism shows you who you are. When you sense being alive. When you sense what feels good to you. Not who you think you are and what you think is good for you.

Over-identifying 

Problem: Over-identifying with the "I am" stories.
Answer: You are much more than any story about you.

How do you know who you are? Surely you have to do all this thinking and figuring it out in therapy, don't you? Well, yes and no. Sometimes it is important to build a coherent narrative for a 'sense of self' to feel secure, and you are much more than any story. To find you, you need to step out of the story.

Have you ever heard a child say, "But I don't like broccoli", and the parent reply, "How do you know, you've not even tried it yet!" There is an interesting self-limiting phenomenon at work here, where we don't risk fully experiencing life and miss out on fully being ourselves because we have built up powerful stories that keep us a character within a script, bound tightly with that small yet mighty word, "I".

"I don't like broccoli", "I can't sing", "I am not important", "I suffer with anxiety", "I am depressed", "I have to do this, or I'll feel like a failure", "I need you because I can't be alone", "I should have a house and kids by now".

Well, what would it be like to risk trying broccoli, allowing yourself to sing, prioritising your needs some times, noticing the sensations of anxiety present, or the heavy drag of a depression without letting these experiences define you, realising your ideas of being a failure have been conditioned by others, not you, and yes, you can be alone whilst also needing others in your life, and who says you should have a house and kids by now anyway? 

The stories we tell ourselves have come from our past. The present is where new stories can be made. As Jessica Hoops sings: Memories are now. You will find yourself through a process of discovery. By walking the path ahead, not pulling up the weeds behind. So, how about risking living freely and asking yourself, "How does this feel right now"? You will show up for yourself in those moments.

Seeing others as more important

Problem: When we see other people as more important.
Answer: Break the rules! You are just as important.

Guilt will be your nervous passenger with this one, but it is you who can do the driving. Guilt shows up for us when we break the rules. If I were to start driving through every red light I saw, then it wouldn't be long until either I or someone else gets very badly hurt. In that instance, I'd hope to experience a heavy whack of guilt! I've done something wrong, and I need to feel that I have done something wrong.

Sometimes we feel we are doing something wrong, but we really aren't doing anything wrong at all. This is because we are not only governed in life by these external rules, but by a myriad of internal rules of who we should be, how we should behave, and the lives we ought to be living. Well, who says who we should? Or more accurately, who said we should? And even more accurately, what was unsaid but experienced. A look can say a thousand words. That bent you out of shape and into someone else's design? These experiences sit deep in our psyche and bodies, informing us of who we are allowed to be and who we are not allowed to be.

We lost ourselves long ago and then repeated the pattern. We may not have had a choice when we were children, but we have a choice in every moment now as adults. We had to become the person that others needed us to be. So, if you see the needs of others as more important than your own, then be aware that this may have started long ago. Guilt lets you know you're breaking the rules, but some rules are there to be broken. You are allowed to be you. Give yourself permission.