Relationship loneliness and self-regulation
Written by listed counsellor/psychotherapist: Gerry North Couple Counsellor/Psychotherapist
13th July, 20170 Comments
It is easy to become lonely in relationships when it is perceived the other no longer sees, listens or validates. The odd thing is that when you dig a bit deeper you usually find both partners feel lonely. Learning simple skills can do wonders to eradicate loneliness in couple domestic life. Ask this question often; “How is our relationship going do you think?” This simple question gives the other permission to say what they have previously been scared to bring up in conversation or there has not been a time or place to do so. Asking this question also suggest you care and it is also not threatening.
Being single can also be tough and feelings of being alone easily experienced. In big cities particularly if you don’t keep ringing friends for a night out nothing eventuates. It can be a constant effort to organize to see people and you sometimes get the feeling if you dropped off your perch no one would notice you at the bottom of the cage for a while. It is easy to feel friendless and that no one cares. But they do and they are waiting for someone to call them as well.
Maybe it is time to stop feeling sorry for ourselves. We know a big city can be a tough gig unless you are a performing seal at most social functions and if not social anxiety is common. Being patient, using self-regulation and taking risks in social interaction will make you far less anxious. Ask someone a question or introduce yourself will result in a positive libido (life force). If you find yourself withdrawing the life force goes into negative libido.
Couples create environments that bring about emotional loneliness and single people living in fast paced urban cities experience staying social difficult. Taking either of these scenarios personally means you are bashing yourself up needlessly with negative libido (life force).
Also what about having a deeper relationship with your self. Listen to some new music, grab new books, see a movie, go to yoga, join a gym, visit exhibitions, ask to get on mailing lists, etc. Watching television too much will make you feel lonely but reading a book will not. Making your self do this is called self-regulation.
Those of you with partners and are feeling lonely break down those barriers by learning simple skills to feel heard and validated. Don’t be a victim to loneliness. Adopt emotional self-regulation leading to changes in personal behaviour. Wriggle around in life a bit more and loneliness will gently disappear.
About the author
Gerry North works with couples and treats depression, anxiety, panic attacks, addiction, sexual matters and self-esteem. He has worked in counselling for over 10 years. Gerry writes articles for newspapers and online websites on mental health. A mature counsellor who has experienced single and couple life. He now lives in London with his partner.
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