When does home not feel like home? When an expat returns home

After spending 15 years overseas for her job, Tanja had been looking forward to returning to her hometown, her family and friends and her flat. So, why was it that, once her boxes were unpacked, she was back in her old office, and she’d caught up with her friends, she had overwhelming feelings of sadness, loneliness and frustration? Home just did not feel like home anymore.

According to estimates, around 5.5 million people from Britain live overseas. That’s about one in 10 of the population who are expats. Although some will choose to settle abroad permanently, a significant percentage of expats will inevitably return to the UK.

Returning home: Reverse culture shock

Having successfully overcome the challenges that come hand-in-hand with settling in a new country, many expats mistakenly believe they’ll sail through the process of returning to their home country. And why wouldn’t they? 'Culture shock' is a well-known term and, indeed, many organisations provide coaching to help their employees navigate the transfer overseas. Yet, despite 'reverse culture shock' being recognised as being more disorientating and upsetting than culture shock, returning expats - and employees - pay it little heed. Until the returnee finds themself struggling, that is.

So what does reverse culture shock feel and look like? It can take many guises, depending on the nature of your expat experience, the role you played in your family, and the life you have come back to. Were you a trailing spouse or was it your job that took you overseas? Were you born and brought up abroad (so you’ll know that you’re what’s called a Third Culture Kid) and this is your first experience of living in your home country? Did your job bring you back home or were you forced to come home due to unfortunate circumstances such as redundancy or a family illness?

Depending on your circumstances, reverse culture shock could present itself as finding yourself in a role in your organisation with less responsibility or one which does not make use of your experience. You might find that you have the same role but are financially less well off.

On the home front, your children might be struggling in their new school or they might not be fluent in their supposed mother tongue. Overseas you may have had home help and you might be ashamed to admit that you’re struggling to run a household when everyone else seems to find it so easy. And then there’s your friends. You’ve known them for decades, maybe even since childhood, but why is it that a deep chasm seems to have grown between you?

Counselling for reverse culture shock

Tanja sought counselling to help her work through her reverse culture shock.  In the therapy room, she found a safe place to express her feelings of anxiety and disappointment. Tanja was able to work through who, and what, were triggering these feelings.

She was able to put herself in the shoes of her friends and family and start to see her return from their perspective as well as her own. She also identified why she was so angry at work and approached her employer about changing her role so she could leverage the professional skills she’d acquired abroad. She discovered that she was more resourceful and resilient than she’d thought and put in place coping strategies to help her settle into her new life, whilst celebrating the years she’d spent in another culture.

Whether you’re currently planning your return home, or you’ve already re-entered the old world you inhabited before going abroad, working with a therapist can help you prepare for, and unpick, the many emotions and experiences that returning expats face but are all too often unprepared for. When choosing a therapist, you may find it helpful to work with someone who has first-hand experience of both culture shock and reverse culture shock.