Toxic positivity: The dangers

Recently, there has been a cultural shift towards positivity, mindfulness, and gratitude. While these practices can certainly positively affect our mental and emotional well-being, there is a dark side to this trend: toxic positivity.

Toxic positivity is the idea that we should always be positive, happy, and optimistic, even in difficult or traumatic situations. It suggests that negative emotions, such as sadness, anger, or frustration, are unhealthy and should be avoided at all costs.

The problem with toxic positivity is that it invalidates our genuine emotions and experiences. It can make us feel guilty for feeling anything other than positivity - as if our negative emotions are somehow our fault or a sign of weakness.

This can lead to a cycle of shame and self-blame, which can further damage our mental health.

Where does toxic positivity come from?

Toxic positivity is a product of our society's focus on individualism and the belief that we are solely responsible for our happiness and success. This belief has led to a culture that values positivity above all else, often at the expense of genuine emotional expression and human connection.

Social media has also contributed to the rise of toxic positivity. Platforms like Instagram and Facebook are full of curated images and posts presenting an idealised life version. This can create a sense of pressure always to be positive and happy, even when we are struggling. 

Here are some examples of how toxic positivity can show up in our daily conversations:

Example one

Person A: "I'm feeling really sad today. My pet just died."

Person B: "Don't be sad! Think about all the good times you had with your pet. You should focus on the positive memories instead."

In this example, person B tries to be helpful, but their approach dismisses person A's genuine emotions. They essentially tell person A that their feelings are wrong and that they should ignore them.

Person A: "I'm feeling really sad today. My pet just died."

Person B: "I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a pet can be incredibly difficult, and it's understandable to feel sad right now. If you want to talk about it or need anything, I'm here for you."

In this example, person B acknowledges and validates person A's emotions, expressing empathy and offering support. They also leave the door open for further conversation or assistance, showing they are willing to listen and be present for person A during this difficult time.

Example two

Person A: "I'm so stressed out about this upcoming deadline."

Person B: "Just stay positive and keep working hard! You'll get it done in no time."

In this example, person B tries to be encouraging, but their approach dismisses person A's stress and anxiety. They essentially tell person A that their emotions are invalid and that they should just power through.

Person A: "I'm so stressed out about this upcoming deadline."

Person B: "That sounds tough. Is there anything I can do to help you out or support you? Hey, If you want to talk about it, I'm here. I've been there myself."

In this example, person B acknowledges and validates person A's stress and anxiety, expressing empathy and offering practical support. They also leave the door open for further conversation or assistance, showing they are willing to listen and be present for person A during this stressful time. Instead of dismissing or minimising person A's feelings, person B takes them seriously and offers a helping hand.

Example three

Person A: "I just got rejected from my dream job. I feel devastated and lost."

Person B: "Don't worry. Everything happens for a reason. Just stay positive, and something better will come along."

In this example, person B's response exhibits toxic positivity by invalidating person A's genuine emotions and suggesting that they should simply brush off their disappointment. It fails to acknowledge the pain and difficulty of the situation, which can make person A feel unheard and unsupported.

More helpful response:

Person A: "I just got rejected from my dream job. I feel devastated and lost."

Person B: "I am really sorry to hear that. I know how much you were looking forward to this new job. Rejection is tough, and it's normal to feel disappointed. If I can be of help somehow, let me know. Perhaps there is a better job waiting for you."

The response by person B is empathetic, supportive, and understanding. It effectively acknowledges person A's emotions, validates their disappointment, and shows empathy by recognising how much they were looking forward to the job. Person B offers help if needed, indicating their willingness to provide support during this challenging time.

Additionally, the statement, "Perhaps there is a better job waiting for you," introduces a hopeful perspective without dismissing or minimising person A's current feelings. It acknowledges the possibility of future opportunities while still recognising the present disappointment. Overall, this response demonstrates genuine care and understanding, providing a comforting and compassionate stance.

The dangers of toxic positivity

Toxic positivity can have serious adverse effects on our mental health and well-being. When we constantly suppress or deny our negative emotions, we may develop a false sense of positivity that is not reality-based. 

This can lead to a lack of authenticity and disconnection from ourselves and others. Toxic positivity can also prevent us from seeking the help and support we need when struggling. If we feel like we are not allowed to express our negative emotions, we may avoid talking to friends, family members, or mental health professionals who could help us work through our issues.

In addition, toxic positivity can harm others who may be going through difficult times. When we constantly tell others to "just be positive," we invalidate their emotions and experiences. This can make them feel like their struggles are not necessary or that they are somehow flawed for feeling negative emotions.

What can we do instead?

Instead of always trying to be positive, it is important to allow ourselves and others to experience the full range of emotions. This means acknowledging and accepting our negative feelings without judgment or shame. It also means validating the emotions of others, even if we do not fully understand or agree with them.

We can also work on cultivating empathy and compassion for ourselves and others. This means being willing to sit with uncomfortable emotions and providing support to those who are struggling. It also means recognising that it is OK to ask for help and that we do not have to go through difficult times alone.

Final thoughts

Toxic positivity may seem like a well-intentioned way to promote positivity and happiness, but it can actually be harmful to our mental health and well-being. By allowing ourselves and others to experience the full range of emotions, we can cultivate greater authenticity, connection, and resilience in our lives.