No man is an island

We are social animals. Our need for others is deeply rooted in our biological and social development, from the days when we were roaming the wild. We needed others to survive, and without others, our chances of survival were close to none.

We have, of course, evolved since; society has dramatically changed, the world has dramatically changed. How we seek contact now is through a raft of gadgets, gizmos and apps aplenty, alongside the many ways we connect with others face to face.

Nevertheless, the basic need remains consistent. The importance of human connection has been explored across many areas of psychology. Safe, close and consistent contact can be really good for us.

Through relationships, we develop, grow and learn: how to touch, how to make eye contact, how to handle our emotions, how to play, how to handle conflict, how to give and receive feedback, how to ask for help, how to support others.

And most importantly, how to trust, to feel safe.

How our early relationships can shape connection

We learn to make connections as babies with our primary caregivers, and the care we receive can help shape our developing capacity to connect. That capacity can become an important feature of our wellbeing and mental health as we go out into the world, become adults and grow old.

With a safe and consistent environment, we may learn to feel safer in the world with others. But when our early environment is inconsistent or does not feel safe, this may influence how safe we feel in relationships later on.

Our body and mind can kick into what is called a “threat response”, and we may react to the environment as if it is threatening us. We may begin to struggle with some of the same things mentioned above: to make eye contact, to handle our emotions, to handle conflict, to ask for help, to support others. Trust and feeling safe with other people may become more difficult.

Isolation and solitude are not the same

Isolation is the sense that we are all alone, cut off from others. It is the experience of an absence of relationship. It is a sense of disconnect. That is to say, you can feel isolated when you are alone, as well as when you are in a relationship.

It can be one of the fundamental fears of humans, an existential angst we find sophisticated and sometimes counterproductive ways to avoid as much as possible.

When we feel isolated, our threat response may become activated, and it‘s no fun. It is energy-consuming and can leave us feeling up and down, hyper, agitated, really low, exhausted or depressed.

Prolonged loneliness and social isolation can be associated with poorer mental and physical health. For some people, isolation may also occur alongside difficulties with self-care, substance use, self-harm or other forms of emotional distress. These experiences are complex, however, and isolation should not be seen as a simple or inevitable cause of them.

The title of this article comes from John Donne's Devotions (1624): “No man is an Island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the Continent, a part of the main.”

What this quote reminds us of is that we need another.

Isolation is not the same as solitude, which is the enjoyment of being alone, which some, of course, relish and seek: for reflection, meditation, space. Choosing time alone can be very different from feeling cut off, unwanted or unable to connect.

Reaching out and finding connection

If you are feeling isolated, connection can be an important part of finding a way through it.

Know that it is important that you reach out. We all need to be asked sometimes: How are you? And for the answer to be listened to with interest, with care, with empathy.

If you have someone special in your life - a relative, a friend - consider whether you can reach out to them. If you feel you cannot because you don’t know how, because you are too shy, because you are ashamed, then know that you can speak to a therapist, who may be able to help you explore what makes connection difficult and find ways to reach towards others.

Human connection cannot solve every difficulty, but feeling seen, heard and supported can make an important difference when we are struggling. You do not have to navigate feelings of isolation entirely on your own.