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How to embrace pain as your friend and guide to healing

Ever heard the expression, “pain is your friend”? The first time I heard it I struggled to accept it. However, with time I realised there was so much truth in those words. Pain is certainly not the kind of friend that you think of fondly but more the kind who tells you truths which you would rather not hear.

Like a true friend, pain’s job is to alert us when something is amiss in our lives.

Whether it is physical or emotional, pain’s job is to signal to us that something is wrong.  Understandably many of us are pain averse, because it hurts. If it didn’t hurt, then it wouldn’t warrant attention. However, our aversion, usually pushes us to want to numb the pain rather than listen to it.  Like the faithful friend who decides to tell us some home truths but we choose to cover our ears to drown out her words.

We live in an age where we have mastered the art of numbing physical pain fast. At the first sign, we quickly reach for pain relief. Painkillers work their magic by altering our perception but not actually curing the pain. Think of pain relief as the more optimistic friend who prefers to keep things light hearted, more fun, and not too deep, unlike the other friend.

Many treat emotional pain in the same way, by self-medicating to numb the pain, because it feels so unbearable. We self-medicate with food, alcohol, drugs, self-harming, and many others ways. However, whilst self-medication might alter our perception for a while and give temporary relief, the pain doesn’t go away.

When our physical pain becomes unbearable we usually visit the doctor for further examination. The physician’s goal is to locate, investigate, diagnose and treat the pain. Emotional pain is no different if we embrace this principle and know that there is power in leaning into the pain, rather running from it.  Pressing in on the pain, although never easy, helps us to locate the root of the pain so we can begin the journey of healing, rehabilitation, and liberation.

How to sit with your pain - Feel it, own it, explore it 

1. Feel your pain. Try to sit with your emotions by paying attention to your feelings, without judging yourself. What is the pain you are feeling? Is it hurt, shame, jealousy, betrayal, do you feel like crying?  It helps to speak out what you are feeling. For example, “I feel ashamed”, “I feel like crying”, “I feel horrible about myself”.

2. Own your pain. We tend to struggle to own our pain, because it is usually associated with a judgement of ourselves and shows a side of us we don’t want to accept. For example, it might feel really difficult to own feelings of jealousy or envy or hate. But the emotion already exists and until we own it we can’t address or begin to understand it.

3. Explore your pain. Once you have been through the process of feeling and owning our pain, you are then able to explore and understand it. Remember that pain is a signal that something is amiss within us. We can use our pain to direct us to the source. What triggered the feelings? What was the experience? What does it say about you? How do you feel about you? What is the way forward?

Working through emotional pain in this way is a powerful self-awareness practice and can really heal painful emotions. Some emotions, particularly those caused by trauma and abuse may be difficult to work through on your own. Find a good counsellor who can support you as explore your pain points.

Counselling Directory is not responsible for the articles published by members. The views expressed are those of the member who wrote the article.

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Written by Oby Bamidele Dip. Couns MBACP Counsellor and Supervisor

Oby Bamidele is a registered counsellor, mindset coach, trainer and writer. She is also a wife and mum. Her passion is empowering people to break out of self-limiting beliefs to live fulfilled and authentic lives. She has a private practice in East Central London (EC2) and Essex.… Read more

Written by Oby Bamidele Dip. Couns MBACP Counsellor and Supervisor

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