Latest articles on counselling and therapy

When someone tells you negative things that other people have said about you, it's hard to think beyond the stinging words of what has been said. This can happen in every type of relationship, but for this article, I have used romantic relationships of any gender. Unhealthy relationships and isolation At the start of the relationship, these will generally be positive; “my friends think you are great” or “my mum thinks you are amazing”. This can come across as...

If I were to mention the words ‘domestic abuse’, the first thing that would likely come to mind for you would be violence. Whilst arguably all violence within a relationship may constitute domestic abuse, not all domestically abusive relationships contain violence. Actually, some people are not even aware they are in an abusive relationship immediately, whilst others may never become aware for the duration of the relationship. Recently I was speaking with somebody about...

The #Metoo movement, and the courage of survivors speaking out about their abuse around the world, show signs of a growing awareness and acknowledgment of the scale of sexual abuse. Equally strong are the voices of those who seek to deny this reality and blame victims (often, though not always, younger women) for lying, or having in some way caused the abuse.   The arguments are familiar: “but that was years ago - why didn’t she say something at the time?”;...

What is violence in the home?The UK government’s definition of domestic violence is any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, assaultive and coercive behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 and over who are or have been intimate partners or family members. The vast majority of domestic violence incidents are carried out by men and experienced by women.The abuse can be physical, sexual, psychological, emotional such as coercive control, digital or on line, honour...

Addiction specialist Patrick Carnes coined the term the ‘Betrayal Bond’ to describe the intense, trauma bond that often develops between an abuser and their victim. The terms victim and abuser are very imperfect, and I acknowledge that. I use them for readability, but please feel free to use your own terms: your experiences are your own to define. When an abusive relationship is ending, the grief can be intense and all-consuming. You may feel a strong pull to return, despite being...

If you have been in an abusive relationship and are ready to start dating again you may experience anxiety which can feel huge. You may even doubt your choices and decisions. As part of the grooming process of an abusive relationship your ex would have come as the perfect partner. Considerate, funny and loving. If it weren't for the grooming process then you wouldn't have stayed! But it was a ploy to reel you in and then hurt you. So how do you find someone who is genuinely kind and...

Domestic violence is such an epidemic that at one point or another it is inevitable that as counsellors we will come into contact with a survivor. Therefore we need to be prepared and have the understanding of the dynamics at play and the complexity of all that is involved in domestic violence. Lack of knowledge can limit us in terms of recognising and correctly interpreting behaviours associated with domestic violence. We have the potential to revictimise a client if we are not educated...

Often described as 'just' emotional abuse, I think that it can be incredibly damaging, particularly as it can be so difficult to both see and describe. It can deeply affect your relationship to yourself, and you may find yourself losing trust in yourself, becoming increasingly self-critical and handing over your decisions to others in your life. It often manifests as an experience of a loved one as being repeatedly critical, demeaning, controlling and cruel. A particular feature is that the...

Anxiety, depression, anger, sorrow, rage, confusion, frustration, loneliness, isolation, post-traumatic stress disorder, identity issues, relationship problems, bullying, sexuality, postnatal depression, stress, grief, shame, control issues. These are all common experiences yet they can take over our lives and consume our whole being, preventing us from functioning properly. They are seen as ‘abnormal’, or we are made to feel different because we experience these feelings or...