Latest articles on counselling and therapy

I have compiled a list of the common characteristics of people who go on to beat their partners. It is not exhaustive; please do feel free to add your own experiences to your personal list. It is also worth noting that not everyone who displays these characteristics will become abusive. Jealousy Showing signs of early or severe possessiveness and jealousy. Questioning your motives for going out, trying to control what you wear, becoming suspicious of you talking to members of your preferred...

The #Metoo movement, and the courage of survivors speaking out about their abuse around the world, show signs of a growing awareness and acknowledgment of the scale of sexual abuse. Equally strong are the voices of those who seek to deny this reality and blame victims (often, though not always, younger women) for lying, or having in some way caused the abuse.   The arguments are familiar: “but that was years ago - why didn’t she say something at the time?”;...

One of the hardest things about emotional abuse is that, through a campaign of blame, undermining, criticism and gaslighting, it can cause you to lose trust in yourself. This is true even if you are aware of what is happening. I have met many people who were aware of some (although usually not all) of the tactics their partner was using, but because of the drip, drip effect of emotional abuse (and the isolation that often co-exists with an experience of abuse) it affected them anyway. This...

What is violence in the home?The UK government’s definition of domestic violence is any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, assaultive and coercive behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 and over who are or have been intimate partners or family members. The vast majority of domestic violence incidents are carried out by men and experienced by women.The abuse can be physical, sexual, psychological, emotional such as coercive control, digital or on line, honour...

Addiction specialist Patrick Carnes coined the term the ‘Betrayal Bond’ to describe the intense, trauma bond that often develops between an abuser and their victim. The terms victim and abuser are very imperfect, and I acknowledge that. I use them for readability, but please feel free to use your own terms: your experiences are your own to define. When an abusive relationship is ending, the grief can be intense and all-consuming. You may feel a strong pull to return, despite being...

It can be so hard to watch someone that you love being treated badly by their partner, and harder still to understand why they stay. You may find yourself frustrated, sad, angry, depressed, irritated and feeling powerless. The truth is, they also may not understand why they stay. Or, they may be torn, caught between loving their partner, but also hating the way that they are sometimes (or frequently) treated. They may be financially dependent, or had their self-esteem chipped away...

If you have been in an abusive relationship and are ready to start dating again you may experience anxiety which can feel huge. You may even doubt your choices and decisions. As part of the grooming process of an abusive relationship your ex would have come as the perfect partner. Considerate, funny and loving. If it weren't for the grooming process then you wouldn't have stayed! But it was a ploy to reel you in and then hurt you. So how do you find someone who is genuinely kind and...

Domestic violence is such an epidemic that at one point or another it is inevitable that as counsellors we will come into contact with a survivor. Therefore we need to be prepared and have the understanding of the dynamics at play and the complexity of all that is involved in domestic violence. Lack of knowledge can limit us in terms of recognising and correctly interpreting behaviours associated with domestic violence. We have the potential to revictimise a client if we are not educated...

Often described as 'just' emotional abuse, I think that it can be incredibly damaging, particularly as it can be so difficult to both see and describe. It can deeply affect your relationship to yourself, and you may find yourself losing trust in yourself, becoming increasingly self-critical and handing over your decisions to others in your life. It often manifests as an experience of a loved one as being repeatedly critical, demeaning, controlling and cruel. A particular feature is that the...