Latest articles on counselling and therapy

Our pasts cannot be changed, that is true. We cannot go back in time. We may feel that the past is behind us and we have moved on in life, so it is easy to think ‘What is the point of thinking about it, let alone talking about it?’ And yet, our pasts can affect how we currently think, feel and behave. It is as if a part of the past still haunts the way we are, affecting how we react and feel inside.   We may find ourselves reacting to someone’s comments, rather than...

Most couples cite a lack of communication as the main cause of the breakdown in their relationship. When couples first meet they talk about everything, all the detail of their lives, shared and separate. Gradually over time, there is a change and they talk about things (the mortgage, the kids) rather than themselves or the relationship. Often there is a feeling of having drifted apart. Feeling secure in your relationship needs time and mature communication between you and your partner to...

If there is someone with narcissistic personality disorder in your life, and especially if they are a family member, their behaviour can have a big impact on you. Other articles here have discussed what narcissism is, how narcissists behave and how counselling can help, but I want to concentrate here on narcissistic parents and the problems they can bring. It is important first to bear in mind a few points: 1. Narcissism is on a continuum and people at the lower end of the spectrum will not...

I want to change the way you communicate, or at least the way you think about communication. Take a look at these examples and stick with me for a moment: Example one: A letter drops through your front door. You announce: “It’s just another bill!”. When you open it, you find that it’s not what you expected at all but is something completely different. Example two: How about this example of these two individuals in a relationship: Partner A: “I’m...

During summer holidays, Christmas and many other occasions, we find ourselves with family and friends where at least one person will have written an internal script giving everyone else a part in the drama with an expected outcome. I remember Christmas when I was young and I think my mother wrote scripts every year that went like this:

Husband gives me a romantic gift - perfume, lingerie or jewellery; certainly nothing very practical. Children don't wake up too early and all are delighted...

This is an expression that I use to describe a form of behaviour that is both manipulative and destructive, and if it is easily spotted you can break yourself from the destructive cycle. Hot is the use of intense emotion. This can take many forms; not all of the forms are negative, for example someone can be immensely hot by excessively lavishing another individual with praise, gifts or attention. Another, more destructive form of hot is where the individual will be intensely angry toward...

“It doesn’t make sense, I don’t make sense” “One minute I’m ok and then I’ve gone somewhere else” “Other people think I’m crazy” “People don’t understand what it’s like to be me” “Sometimes I have unstoppable energy and then I’m feeling flattened, depressed... it’s hard to believe it’s the same me” “Life is lonely, I’ve cut myself off, it’s easier that...

When relationships work they can feel like “heaven” and when they go wrong they might feel like “hell”, leaving us very unhappy, unsettled and low in mood. The benefits of being in a healthy relationship often lead to a sense of stability in life, self-confidence and a good dose of “self-liking.” From this basis, many other aspects of life can become enhanced such as general health, career development and friendships with other people. What are the...

How easily can you ask for what you want and what you don’t, and can you say no? Every person in the world has needs and wants, and in a relationship with another person these are not necessarily known by a partner. But many of us fall into the trap of expecting that a partner “should” know what we need or want. “But why?” Some say that as little boys and girls grow up watching their parents relate together, they form an internal image of how their own adult...