When people come into therapy to talk about relationship problems, they often feel that there must be something wrong with them. This is particularly the case when it is not the first time that they have had the problem they are encountering. It may feel like a pattern is repeating over and over, and this can be frustrating and upsetting. Whoever and however we are, we naturally, unconsciously repeat the patterns of our childhood relationship experiences through our life. That is, we do this...
If I were to mention the words ‘domestic abuse’, the first thing that would likely come to mind for you would be violence. Whilst arguably all violence within a relationship may constitute domestic abuse, not all domestically abusive relationships contain violence. Actually, some people are not even aware they are in an abusive relationship immediately, whilst others may never become aware for the duration of the relationship. Recently I was speaking with somebody about...
Coping with divorce and separation Sometimes in couple counselling one or both parties will decide to separate and seek divorce. If that process is started before emotions, for example around rejection and resentment, are processed then legal proceedings can be messy. Encouragingindividuals, especially the ‘unhappy partner’ to stay in therapy during the separation process, in order to resolve issues relating to the past and to cope with unexpected events and feelings can help them...
In order to be close to people that we love, it is important to know our limits and be able to skillfully negotiate both our limits, and those of those around us. Boundaries have nothing to do with whether you love someone or not; you can say no (to meeting someone, to lending someone money, to having sex) and still love someone. In fact, your ability to tolerate separateness in your relationships actually enables you to be closer in a healthy way to those around you. There are usually...
It’s not uncommon for couples to change their minds about separating, and even to halt divorce proceedings or remarry. Sometimes it’s sentiment or hope that leads to the reunion; sometimes a split would be a financial or logistical nightmare, or sometimes the couple just can’t be bothered to go through with it. Mostly, though, when couples reunite, it’s because something happens to change each partner’s perspective which gives them more motivation to find ways to...
I have compiled a list of the common characteristics of people who go on to beat their partners. It is not exhaustive; please do feel free to add your own experiences to your personal list. It is also worth noting that not everyone who displays these characteristics will become abusive. Jealousy Showing signs of early or severe possessiveness and jealousy. Questioning your motives for going out, trying to control what you wear, becoming suspicious of you talking to members of your preferred...
Anxiety. Depression. Relationships.These are the keywords most people put into Google when unhappy, depressed or sad, whilst looking for counselling... but why? When asking most clients “what is it you’re looking for from counselling?”. They tend to respond with "to be happy"... why? Happiness is different for all of us; but what is not different is our need to feel and be happy, and to feel and be connected to others. Strictly come dancing attracts over 11 million...
One of the biggest betrayers, since time began, has to be ‘the cheater’. In fact, infidelity is the only sin the bible forbids twice in the ten commandments; once for doing it and the other for thinking it. In the contemporary era, monogamy seems to have shifted its meaning from one person of life to one person at a time, but the effect of having been betrayed in such a way for both sides remains eternally devastating. What is interesting is observing what is cheating and how it is...
Why is it so difficult to sit with how I feel? When did this happen? Why haven't I noticed this before? What am I afraid of? These are some of the questions you may begin to ask yourself after another emotionless connection. However, how did you get here in the first place? It can be difficult to hear people describe you as cold, aloof and emotionless. Often hearing yourself being described in such a way can evoke feelings of anger, resentment, shame and even guilt. You may even begin to...
We often, albeit unconsciously, look to our current relationships to fulfil our deepest unfulfilled needs and longings, to plug the gaps in our psyches, and to heal where we have been wounded. In psychoanalysis, this is called ‘transference’. We unconsciously want from our intimate others what we were deprived in the past, often by our family of origin. We repeat the story but are secretly hoping for a different outcome. This sets an impossible task for our partners. After...
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