Understanding personality disorders: Triangulation
Triangulating others is used to gain an advantage over a perceived rival by manipulating the rival into conflict with another.
Family systems theorist, Dr Murray Bowen, states: "A triangle is a three-person relationship system. It is considered the building block or "molecule" of larger emotional systems because a triangle is the smallest stable relationship system."
Bowen indicates that the tension created for the odd person out created by a triangle is too difficult for an individual to tolerate. The outsider is always working to become closer to the two inside who have deliberately excluded the outsider by actively demonstrating their preference for each other. Narcissistic traits are easy to spot: "We were the only ones invited. It was an exclusive event. Members only." An individual or group will believe that they have been overlooked (the "out-group"), as others have been chosen above them (the "in-group"). Successful membership clubs triangulate, whether in politics, at the golf club or simply the "lock-in" held at the local pub. On a macro-scale, feelings of loss and rejection will manifest in those excluded by gender or race. On a micro-scale, triangles can consist of two parents pulling a child into their polluted pool of dispute.
Triangulators fall into categories labelled under the personality disorder umbrella. These individuals often do not think in terms of equality, locating an external view of the self, possessing no real authentic core. Ranking themselves according to how they think others see them, they occupy a world where constant comparisons with others are the entry card for competition where there is none, yet they always seem to be pushing in. Only interested in 'judging their performance', yet often complaining of feeling judged. They have little understanding of personal power, equality or compromise surviving from a notion of 'power by position'. A position for which they will fight to the death.
In emotionally abusive relationships the feeling of subjugating to triangulation causes the recipient's self-esteem to atrophy. In such manner, in all the confusion, the abuser is free to tighten their grip and gain even more control.
Triangles appear in drama games, particularly where drugs or alcohol are concerned. The image of the 'nice guy' or 'good girl' turns mean and nasty whilst under the influence of substance misuse. The partner or children may become rescuers or victims, dependent upon position set up. The grandiose alcoholic abuser feels all-powerful and omnipotent, expecting everyone to subserviently walk on eggshells around their fragile ego. On the one hand, you can feel favoured as long as you comply with the lie. On the other annihilated if you refuse to fall in with the farce.
Triangulators experience gratification and elation, feelings of superiority and victory if they manage to draw a third party into the conflict, damaging the perceived status of you and ruining your reputation. In such manner, triangulators avoid responsibility for their mistakes, as they always have you ready to pin the blame and feel the shame.
Finding yourself subject to the toxic control of how others see you is debilitating. Believing that a loved one or group of loved ones or those who have control over decisions regarding your income, status as a professional or your ability to parent view you through a lens screened with negativity creates anxiety coupled with feelings of hopelessness and despair.
Feeling humiliated, ashamed and cornered will leave you desperately wanting to clear any defamation of character by setting the record straight. Do not be tempted to act on any provocation. Do not be drawn into confronting or retaliating your triangulator. Fear and anger will allow you to become baited and hooked, betraying your own moral code dragging you into their game of "down and dirty". These are the mechanisms by which a triangulator can set mothers against daughters, lifelong friends fall out, workers turn against colleagues, sexually-coerced students turn on each other, healthy sibling rivalry turns toxic and the reason why none of these relationships may ever be resolved.
In the therapy room, feelings of inferiority can be projected onto patients or clients as a result of the power imbalance in the helper-helpee relationship. If not far enough along their own journey, lacking in self-awareness and not yet spiritually mature enough to do the often painful introspection required in order to self-reflect, the therapist will feel powerful due to "imposter syndrome" kicking into life. In Jungian terms, this means the archetype becomes so split the therapist's sense of humility and ultimately humanity is lost. A belief that they are 'special', a saviour and a guru, disempowers the client or patient leading to chaos and destruction. At its extreme, this zone of abuse is where the helping professional rationalises and justifies the coercion of the most vulnerable amongst us into submission for their own gratification.
If called to advocate on behalf of another individual or group, before you do so, ask yourself why you, as is often expressed 'feel the need' to do so. As need is not a feeling, what is it that you are really feeling? Find the transference by reflecting on your own feelings. What happens inside your body and your mind when a triangulator is complaining of feeling disrespected, misrepresented, victimised and bullied. What feelings of injustice does this invoke in you? Why is your moral compass being called to action? What gratification do you receive from the belief that you are the only one who can provide relief? Why do you feel compelled to look at the narrow view your selective attention has been turned to? What are you not seeing? Why take action based on a partial truth?
Self-reflect further: "Why am I prepared to take the risk of falling into conflict with another? As human beings, aren't we supposed to work together, not against each other? Is fighting the way I want to seek peaceful resolution? That's not my usual behaviour, so why am I entering into combat? Why am I not promoting assertiveness, installing the courage in my triangulator so that they may deal with the situation? Don't they need independence to move away from stuck patterns? What boundaries am I breaking in order to rescue, and in the process, deny their learning, their growth and development?"
"The educator must believe in the potential power of his/her pupil, and he must employ all his/her art in seeking to bring his/her pupil to experience this power." Alfred Adler
Ultimately the question to ask is: "When the triangulator turns on me, how will I feel?"
Propaganda forces people to choose a side, compelling them to act on behalf of the person or group with whom they identify. Our young hearts and minds are particularly at risk of being drawn into seemingly irrational hatred for another country, race, religion, different ability or choice of being-in-the-world. Triangulation encourages religious fundamentalism, suicide bombing and those who run away to join Islamic State. Finally, despite the horrors of the Holocaust, triangulation serves as a carrier to perpetuate that longest of hatreds, antisemitism.
For managers of triangulators at work: instigate a meeting with the individual concerned to discuss their grievance(s) and build trust. Taking such action will help avoid personality conflicts, backbiting and malicious gossip in your team. Take everything said at face value until it can be verified, stay in control of your own emotions and refuse to allow third-party stories into the room.
For those subject to triangulation: do not believe anything you are told by a triangulator. Don't allow yourself to become provoked by or engaged in trash talking. Keep your life well-balanced and empowered through the love of friends, hobbies, family, work and spirituality. Volunteer to help others. Remember, you can't stop a triangulator from manipulating others, you can't control how much damage and destruction they will do to themselves and anyone else. You simply cannot help those that want to hurt you. Once you know exactly with whom you're dealing, you will realise the only thing you can control is the dignity by which you conduct yourself.
For triangulators: find your authentic self by working on your 'shadow' side. This will stop you from acting destructively. Once you cease fearing natural forces that are part of human nature, your major driving force will lean towards growth. Learn to take responsibility by becoming assertive. Communicating clearly and directly will give you the confidence to start your journey out of the shadows. Choosing new pathways at the crossroads of life away from painful destructive patterns towards freedom and light is the aim of therapy.
If you are in active addiction, in addition to therapy, enrolling on a 12-step recovery programme will fill the empty hole you feel in your soul. There is no greater reward than the feeling of well-being that arises from emotional maturity.
"No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow." Alice Walker
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About Amanda Perl
I am a BACP accredited counsellor and psychotherapist, a CBT Practitioner and Member of the British Psychological Society. I am the Course lead for a Stage 4 BACP Accredited Counselling Diploma. My private practice reflects my belief that each of us is unique with the potential for growth and development and can move forward in our own way.