Why pet loss is real grief

Having lost a number of beloved pets myself, I have felt the crushing pain of their absence of their presence. Not hearing the jingling of their collar nor the pattering of paws left me empty. The touch of their fur and the loving looks they gave me were gone. I looked longingly at their belongings, bowls, beds and bits of hair all scattered around, reminding me that my friend was no longer beside me.

Pet loss is real grief due to the deep emotional and life shaping connection we share. We miss our pets with all our being as we are sent into stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and eventually acceptance.

Perhaps we carry guilt for having our friend put to sleep, or perhaps for leaving the decision a little late. Our beloved animal may have been lost, stolen or re-homed, all of which can lead to guilt and heavy feelings. According to the Dogs Trust, for some, losing a pet is ‘similar or worse to the loss of a family member… with a further 38% (of people) stating they were surprised by how deeply they were affected’.

Pets are much-loved family members, confidants, and sources of unconditional love. Losing them can cause emotional, psychological, and physical responses. We ride waves of feelings and emotions as we try to process that they have gone, leaving behind sadness and emptiness, whilst knowing that they touched our lives with joy.

Why pets are so important to us

Pets provide so many things on a daily basis, such as comfort, unconditional love and routine. They are non-judgmental, always present, witnessing our lives in ways humans are unable to. I recall my dogs sharing quiet, difficult moments sitting with me in sadness, and at other times entertaining me with their antics and mischief. Children grow up with their pets as a dependable family, and often their first experience of loss is through their childhood companion.

Our pets often form part of our identity. I am proud to be the local dog lady, but when I lost my last dog, it felt like my identity, purpose and companionship were gone, leaving a huge hole. We also connect to others socially through our pets, whether out walking or by talking about our animals directly to people or in forums. Phrases like ‘Oh, you know, Lola’s mum’ merge the animal and owner into a bonded pair. Our pet may have been our one constant, important companion, leaving a huge feeling of loneliness when they have gone. 

Pets (particularly cats and dogs) boost "feel-good" neurotransmitters like oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine, and reduce stress hormones like cortisol, so their presence has beneficial effects on our state of mind. We miss these boosts as well as our pets’ innate ability to attune to our feelings and emotions. They know how to behave, entertain, comfort and just gently be there with us. 

Our days are structured around our pets (feeding, walking, playtime), so their loss disrupts our normal routine and can lead to a lack of purpose. Not having a reason to get up, feed, play, walk and look after our pets can leave us feeling low and our lives meaningless.

The pain of pet loss is real

Unlike when we lose a person, there is no funeral or ritual to say goodbye to our pet. This is changing, however, with many people having their own ceremonies at home or in their pet's favourite places. Placing ashes in favourite places marked by plants or flowers, or in water, can be a beautiful way of remembering and letting go. 

Pet cemeteries now offer services and ideas for remembrance such as ashes jewellery, paw nose prints and glassware. Previously, it was thought that we get over a loss and forget the beloved; however, modern ideas say that we learn to live with the loss and continue the bonds made. It is important to hold our pets in our memories, just as we would someone who has been important in our lives.

Pet loss is real grief because it involves so many important factors: love, attachment, routine, identity and emotional connection, as with human relationships. Grief is much more than love with no place to go; it is a natural response to loss, affecting our emotional, physical and spiritual well-being.

Loss can cause waves of strong, overwhelming emotions like sadness, anger and guilt. We may lose the ability to function normally, experiencing memory problems, insomnia and problems with eating. We may become depressed and socially disconnected without routine. It can feel very lonely to grieve when the people around us don’t quite understand how much it hurts.

This may be felt in well-meant but painful comments like, “When are you getting another?” When grief is not given space, it can become hidden and harder to cope with. Noticing and expressing how we feel can help us move through it more gently. 

Support with pet loss

If you feel like you are suffering in grief, feeling alone, stuck, not coping with or enjoying life, counselling can support you to process and learn to live with your loss.

In Counselling, you are free to talk openly and honestly about what your pet meant to you and how you feel now they are gone. There is no timeline or right or wrong with grief. It is OK to grieve and be sad; you’ve lost something huge from your life, and the effects ripple from your loss.

You will not be judged or considered ‘silly’ in counselling, as the impact on your life is real. With warmth, compassion and understanding, you can process what is going on for you, make changes on your terms and develop healthy strategies to move forward with your loss. 

A counsellor can not take away your grief, but they can sit with you compassionately to help you to hold your loss in a kinder, steadier and less consuming way. You don't have to be alone.

If you are struggling following the loss of a pet and feel like you need some support, please reach out. Help is available from Blue Cross, or you may wish to have counselling therapy where you can build a therapeutic relationship with one counsellor over a period of time.