From birth to death: love, loss and the lifelong shape of grief

From the pure delight and celebration of a new life to the overwhelming pain of death, life moves through a continuum of attachment, love, loss and meaning.

From the moment we are born, we begin our journey seeking safety, warmth, connection, independence and happiness. We have an innate desire to bond with others and form meaningful relationships. From moments of bliss to periods of deep and unexpected pain, the human experience is shaped by how deeply we love and how profoundly we grieve throughout our lives.

After a significant loss, many people carry a silent question: how can life bring so much joy, yet leave us with such unbearable pain when someone we love dies? Part of the answer may lie in a simple but often overlooked truth: grief is not the opposite of love. As grief expert David Kessler states, “Grief is love.” Grief reflects the unique bond and connection we have formed with someone or something deeply significant in our lives.

The depth of our grief often mirrors the depth of our attachment. The stronger the connection, the greater the sense of loss when that relationship is altered or ends. Grief is not a sign of weakness; it is a natural response to loving and caring deeply.

The brain, grief, and neurological craving

Grief and loss affect both the brain and body in profound ways. They can influence memory, behaviour, sleep, concentration, and physical health, including the immune and cardiovascular systems. Many people also experience cognitive difficulties, often referred to as “brain fog.” Throughout grief, the brain's primary goal remains survival.

The logical part of the brain, known as the prefrontal cortex, understands and accepts that a loved one has died. However, other areas of the brain have deeply encoded that person's presence – their humour, footsteps, touch, habits, and the sound of their voice.

As a result, the brain continues to expect them to walk through the door, answer the telephone, or appear in familiar places. When these expectations are not fulfilled, the brain responds with emotional pain, yearning, and an intense desire to reconnect with the person who has died.

This neurological craving can resemble aspects of addiction. When we form close bonds, the brain activates reward pathways and releases chemicals such as dopamine and oxytocin. These chemicals play an important role in attachment, trust, emotional security, and long-term relationships.

The nucleus accumbens, a key part of the brain's reward system, continues to seek the emotional reward and connection it once received from the loved one. It repeatedly searches through memories, routines, and familiar environments in an attempt to locate someone who is no longer physically present. This process can create a profound sense of longing and yearning.

Following a significant loss, areas of the brain associated with reward and attachment can continue searching for the person who is no longer present. This can contribute to the intense longing and craving often experienced during grief. We might find ourselves revisiting the raw realities of loss and the longing for reconnection. These feelings may arise while socialising, laughing, working, relaxing, or carrying out everyday tasks.

Grief does not follow a fixed timeline. Rather, it weaves itself throughout our lives, sometimes quietly in the background and at other times rising to the surface with tremendous force. These waves of grief are not signs of weakness or failure. They are reminders of the significance of the relationship and the depth of the love that remains.

Grief becomes a lifelong companion, changing shape and form as we move through life. The pain of grief reminds us that we have experienced meaningful relationships that have shaped who we are and continue to live on through memory, influence, and love.

Grief shows up unexpectedly

A year or more may pass, and life may begin to feel more settled when, suddenly, a wave of intense sadness appears without warning. It can feel as though the loss has just happened, with emotions as raw and immediate as on the first day.

Grief often lies beneath the surface and can be triggered unexpectedly. A song, scent, photograph, place, or even a fleeting thought can bring memories rushing back. In these moments, the brain retrieves emotional experiences in a way that collapses time, making the past feel present again.

These experiences can occur at any time – while working, laughing, socialising, or even upon waking from a dream. Grief has no fixed timeline. Instead, it moves in waves, sometimes gentle and distant, and at other times overwhelming and consuming.

These waves are not signs of failure but reminders of love and connection. Grief becomes an ongoing companion that shifts in form over time, reflecting the depth of the relationship that has been lost.

Understanding anticipatory and disenfranchised grief

Grief takes many forms. Whether caused by death, illness, injury, divorce, abuse or other significant life changes, the brain often processes grief as emotional trauma.

Anticipatory grief

Anticipatory grief occurs before an actual death, often when a loved one is living with a terminal illness or experiencing cognitive decline, such as dementia. While the person is still alive, aspects of the relationship may already be changing or fading, and the grieving process begins in advance.

Disenfranchised grief

Disenfranchised grief is grief that is not socially recognised or validated. This may include losses such as death by suicide, miscarriage, stillbirth, pet loss, loss of country through migration or experiences that are not openly acknowledged by others. Without acknowledgement, it can leave an individual feeling lonely or isolated.

Foundations of attachment and grief

It has been suggested that much of what is known about grief originates from the work of psychiatrist John Bowlby, whose attachment theory suggests that humans are biologically driven to form emotional bonds. These attachments provide security, stability and emotional regulation throughout life. When a significant attachment is broken through death, the resulting distress is a natural response to separation.

Bowlby proposed that grief is not a weakness but an adaptive response to loss. The longing and yearning often experienced after bereavement reflect the attachment system’s continued drive to seek proximity to someone who is no longer physically present.

Continuing bonds

For many years, what we know as traditional grief models emphasised the need to “let go” of the deceased in order to heal. However, contemporary research offers a different perspective.

The continuing bonds theory, developed by Klass, Silverman and Nickman, coined the idea that maintaining an ongoing inner relationship with a loved one can be healthy and adaptive. Rather than detaching completely, many people continue bonds through memory, talking about their loved one to others, ritual, planting a tree, visiting meaningful places, adding a chair to a gathering, conversation, photographs and acts of remembrance, revisiting a memorial box or fulfilling hopes or dreams.

From this perspective, healing does not require severing connection but rather transforming it into a new internal form that supports ongoing life.

Grief and meaning-making

David Kessler highlights the importance of meaning-making in the grieving process. While grief itself cannot be removed, many people gradually find ways to integrate loss into their life narrative.

Meaning-making does not involve finding a reason for the death. Instead, it involves recognising how the relationship, memories and shared experiences continue to shape identity and perspective.

Grief, in this sense, reflects the depth of love and the lasting impact of connection.

How counselling can provide support

Counselling does not aim to fix grief or remove it, but to create space for it to be expressed and understood, without judgment or a given time frame. 

It offers individuals the opportunity to explore thoughts, emotions and experiences while developing coping strategies that support adjustment to a changed reality. Rather than encouraging closure, counselling helps individuals find a way to live alongside grief while continuing to honour the person who has died.

Grief is not something that can be cured. Instead, counselling provides a safe, confidential and non-judgemental space where grief can be witnessed, acknowledged and given a voice.

Humanistic counselling works with the whole person and accepts the uniqueness of each individual, emphasising empathy, acceptance and understanding. It recognises that each person’s grief is entirely unique and does not follow a fixed or linear process. Instead, grief fluctuates over time and unfolds at an individual pace.

Grief is not something we overcome or leave behind. Rather, it is something we learn to carry as we continue living.

Over time, grief often changes shape, becoming less overwhelming for many people, yet it remains a reflection of love, attachment and meaning. While loss alters life permanently, the bonds we form continue to influence who we are.

In this way, grief becomes not only a response to loss, but a lasting testament to the significance of human connection.