Loss: it's not just bereavement

As a counsellor who specialises in working with people who have experienced loss, a common question I get asked is “Does that mean you only work with bereavement?” and the answer is no. We can experience loss in many forms, and in this article I want to explore the different types of loss we can experience.

Different types of loss

Loss can show up in many different ways, including:

Bereavement 

The death of a loved one is the most common type of loss that people think of. People often talk about stages of grief as if they're a checklist to go through. In reality, grief can come in peaks and troughs, and even when you feel that you're coping well, a new wave can hit you unexpectedly, especially around significant anniversaries or celebrations.

Your experience of grief will also be coloured by your relationship with the deceased while they were alive, and also the circumstances of their death. You are likely to respond differently to a much-loved elderly grandparent passing gently in their sleep, to the sudden loss of a young person in an accident. If you had complicated feelings about the person in life, you are likely to have complicated feelings about their death.

Relationship breakdown

Relationship breakdown can take many forms, including divorce, estrangement from family members, and the end of a friendship. Even if you were the person initiating the end of the relationship, you can feel a mix of emotions, including guilt, relief and sadness that the relationship wasn't what it once was or what you hoped it could be. If you were not the person initiating the end of the relationship, you could be blindsided, left with unanswered questions, and feel shocked.

Job loss

Another type of loss is job loss, through redundancy or retirement. Even if it is your choice, you can still be left with a sense of loss. Many people struggle with the loss of routine when they leave a job. People might also feel they don't know how to describe themselves without referring to their job.

Ill-health

You can experience a sense of loss if you are given a diagnosis of a terminal illness or a chronic long-term health condition. You may start thinking about all the things you wanted to accomplish. You may experience regret, or you may be feeling anxious about planning for the future. You can also feel a sense of loss if it is a loved one who receives the diagnosis.

Fertility issues

Miscarriage, failed IVF, and infertility can lead to feelings of loss, not only for the child you hoped to have, but also the role of parent you expected to have.

Loss of faith

This can also lead to a loss of community or a sense of belonging if you are no longer linked to a particular place or way of worship.

Homesickness

Some people may not be able to return home after fleeing a dangerous or painful situation.

Addiction

For those in active addiction and their loved ones, a sense of loss can arise when the addiction changes the person experiencing it. When moving into recovery, they may feel loss for the time they lost while they were in active addiction.

Empty nest

As a parent, if your children are now adults and leaving the family home, it can lead to a sense of loss, even if you have a great relationship with them and are proud to have raised them to be independent. It can sometimes create challenges for parents who have become used to family life and now need to adjust to being a couple again.

Pet bereavement

People can grieve for their pets in the same way they grieve for a person. For many people, a pet is a companion and a reassuring presence in the house, so losing a pet can be very difficult.

How counselling can help

When you experience loss, you experience a change in your identity, and complex feelings can arise. Think about the different identities you have – child, sibling, spouse, parent, friend, employee. How would you feel if you lost one of those identities? How do you reconcile the image that you had in your head of what life "should" be like, with what your life is like in reality?

Counselling can help people experiencing any type of loss. A counsellor can facilitate space for you to safely express strong emotions like sadness, emptiness, guilt or anger, all without fear of judgement. If you're unsure of what you're feeling, but know that something doesn't feel right, a counsellor can help you find the words to express what you're feeling. An experienced counsellor can understand you when you feel that no one else does. 

There may be times when people in your life tell you that you need to "move on" and "accept it", but a counsellor will stay with you for as long as you need to as you work through these strong emotions.