When autistic interests are misunderstood

In my work as a therapist, I have sat with clients who arrive carrying a painful question: “What if I am a narcissist?” Often, this fear has not come from nowhere. It has been placed there by comments from partners, family members, friends, colleagues, or people online. They may have been told they are selfish, obsessed, cold, uncaring, controlling, or that they “only think about themselves”.

For some autistic people, those words cut deeply. They may already be working hard to manage relationships, sensory overload, social expectations, masking, anxiety, and the pressure of trying to appear “normal” in a world that may not feel built for them. When the word narcissist is added, it can become another layer of shame.

It is important to say clearly that autism and narcissism are not the same thing. Autistic people can, of course, still hurt others or struggle in relationships, as anyone can. But many autistic traits are easily misunderstood when they are viewed only through a neurotypical lens. What may look like self-absorption from the outside may, from the inside, be regulation, passion, safety, or a genuine attempt to connect.

Intense interests are not simply hobbies

Autistic interests are often described clinically as restricted, repetitive behaviours and interests. Many autistic people may use different language, such as special interests, focused interests, passions, or dedicated interests. These interests can be very intense, but intensity does not automatically mean selfishness. The National Autistic Society describes focused interests as something many autistic people experience strongly and as something that can support relaxation, well-being, confidence, and identity (National Autistic Society, n.d.).

This matters because an interest may not simply be a hobby. It may be one of the few places where an autistic person feels calm, competent, clear, and fully themselves. It can offer predictability in an unpredictable world. It can help someone recover after social interaction, masking, conflict, sensory overwhelm, or stress. A recent scoping review found that restricted and repetitive behaviours and interests can help autistic people regulate sensory experiences, cope with anxiety, create certainty, and make sense of the world (Lung et al., 2024).

From the outside, this can be misunderstood. A person may talk at length about the same subject, return to a topic repeatedly, collect detailed knowledge, spend many hours on a hobby, or struggle when pulled away from it. To someone who does not understand autism, this may look like an obsession or a need to dominate attention. Internally, something very different may be happening.

The pull of deep focus

This is where the idea of monotropism can be helpful. Monotropism is a theory of autism that explores how attention may be strongly pulled towards a smaller number of interests or “attention tunnels” at any one time (Murray et al., 2005). More recent research has also explored hyper-focus and monotropism in autistic people and those with ADHD, showing that intense focus can be a meaningful part of neurodivergent experience, though it can have both helpful and difficult effects (Dwyer et al., 2024).

In everyday life, this can create misunderstanding. An autistic person may share a lot about their interest because it is exciting, regulating, or meaningful. They may also be trying to connect. For some autistic people, sharing information is a form of affection: I am letting you into something important to me. Yet another person may hear it as: you only care about your own world.

Something similar can happen when someone shares a problem. An autistic person may respond with a personal story to show understanding. They may mean: I know something of that feeling; you are not alone. But the other person may experience it as the conversation being taken away from them. This does not mean the impact is irrelevant. It does mean the intention may be very different from how it has been received.

When communication gets lost in translation

This is one reason the double empathy problem is so important. Milton (2012) suggested that misunderstandings between autistic and non-autistic people are often two-way. It is not simply that autistic people fail to understand others; non-autistic people may also fail to understand autistic communication, expression, and experience. When two people process the world differently, both may struggle to read the other accurately.

This can also show up around social cues. An autistic person may not notice when someone is tired, bored, overwhelmed, or wanting to move on. That can understandably feel hurtful. But missing a cue is not the same as intentionally ignoring a person’s needs. Bluntness can also be misunderstood. Direct communication may land as rude or cruel, even when there is no wish to devalue or harm. The difference between impact and intention is important, especially in close relationships.

When regulation is mistaken for control

The confusion can become even more painful if autistic coping mechanisms are mistaken for manipulation. Many autistic people rely on routine, structure, predictability, and sameness to manage anxiety and sensory overload. When those needs are not understood, they can be labelled as controlling or entitled. Yet the underlying issue may be a nervous system trying to stay regulated.

Shutdowns can be misread in a similar way. When overwhelmed, some autistic people go quiet, withdraw, stop responding, or need time alone. To a partner or friend, this may feel like rejection or the silent treatment. But for the autistic person, it may be a survival response: their system has reached capacity, and they need to reduce input in order to recover.

None of this means other people’s feelings do not matter. A partner may genuinely feel lonely. A friend may feel unheard. A family member may feel pushed away. These experiences deserve care. But there is a significant difference between saying, “I feel disconnected, and I need us to find a way to communicate,” and saying, “You are a narcissist.”

Why autism and narcissism are not the same

Narcissistic personality disorder is a complex clinical condition involving a broader and more enduring pattern, often described in terms of grandiosity, need for admiration, heightened self-importance, and lack of empathy (Mitra & Fluyau, 2024). That is different from an autistic person having intense interests, needing routine, struggling with social signals, becoming overwhelmed, communicating directly, or using an interest to self-regulate.

When autistic traits are mislabelled as narcissism, it can make a person afraid of their own needs. It might lead to masking, people-pleasing, over-apologising, hiding interests, or constantly checking whether they are “bad”. For some, the fear of being narcissistic is less about ego and more about shame. They are not trying to be superior; they are terrified that they are somehow wrong.

Moving from shame towards understanding

A more helpful question might be: what is this behaviour doing, and what does each person need to feel understood? This creates space for compassion and responsibility. The autistic person may need to understand how their interest, shutdown, directness, or need for routine affects others. The people around them may also need to understand that these behaviours may come from regulation, overwhelm, communication differences, or safety rather than selfishness.

Therapy can help with this. It can offer space to separate genuine self-reflection from shame. It can help someone understand the role of their interests, recognise overwhelm earlier, communicate needs more clearly, and explore relationship patterns without turning themselves into the problem. Therapy can also support the painful work of recovering from years of being misunderstood, criticised, or labelled.

Being deeply interested in something does not make someone selfish. Finding safety in a hobby, topic, routine, or activity does not mean someone lacks empathy. Needing time alone after overwhelm does not automatically mean someone is punishing others.

There may still be conversations to have and relationship work to do. But those conversations are more useful when they begin with curiosity rather than accusation. For many autistic people, the aim is not to become less themselves. It is to understand themselves more fully, communicate with more confidence, and build relationships where their inner world is met with respect rather than shame.

References

Dwyer, P., Williams, Z. J., Lawson, W. B., & Rivera, S. M. (2024). A trans-diagnostic investigation of attention, hyper-focus, and monotropism in autism, attention dysregulation hyperactivity development, and the general population. Neurodiversity, 2. doi:10.1177/27546330241237883

Lung, S. L. M., Picard, È., Soulières, I., & Bertone, A. (2024). Identifying the functions of restricted and repetitive behaviours and interests in autism: A scoping review. Research in Autism Spectrum Disorders, 117, 102458. doi:10.1016/j.rasd.2024.102458

Milton, D. (2012). On the ontological status of autism: The “double empathy problem”. Disability & Society, 27(6), 883–887. doi:10.1080/09687599.2012.710008

Mitra, P., & Fluyau, D. (2024). Narcissistic personality disorder. StatPearls Publishing.

Murray, D., Lesser, M., & Lawson, W. (2005). Attention, monotropism and the diagnostic criteria for autism. Autism, 9(2), 139–156. doi:10.1177/1362361305051398

National Autistic Society. (n.d.). Focused and dedicated interests.