The resilience myth

You ask anyone what resilience means and I imagine they think one of two things: the ability to ‘bounce back’ after a difficult time or event or the ability to ‘carry on’ even when things are tough.

On paper, they seem like obvious, helpful definitions. There’s a clear sense of what you must do to be resilient. But this is the myth of resilience. We can feel like we are not being resilient if we are changed by our experiences, or if we are an emotional mess, or if we give up, or if we cannot just carry on as we were before.

That’s not to say that we are not in charge of our own resilience. When we face difficulties in our lives, we do have a choice. We can continue to persist in achieving our goal - getting back up each time we are knocked back - and this is resilience. We can continue to apply for jobs even when we are rejected or go to work every morning when we are heartbroken by bereavement.

But, we can also decide to give up on or change our goal, and this is also resilience. After rejection, we can decide instead to go back to college, change careers or set up our own business. After a bereavement, we can choose to take time off work to cry every day, go travelling or spend time with our families. 

This myth serves a purpose. It places the responsibility and expectation on us as individuals to cultivate resilience by not ‘giving up’. Who benefits from this myth? Maybe those who need us not to take time off work for our mental wellbeing, those who rely on us to continue to meet their needs or do the housework, or even those who are uncomfortable with difficult emotions and vulnerable conversations. 

To rewrite the definition of resilience we have to recognise that it involves the ability to find a way forward after a difficult time or event. It is the ability to recognise that you may have changed a little, or even considerably, as a result of your experience and are learning to shape or adapt to a new sense of self.

Instead of bouncing back and returning to ‘normal’, you have been pulled taut, stretched out and squished into a new shape. It may be very similar to the shape you were before with just a few dents or nicks or it may be a completely new shape. You are carrying new learning about yourself and something has changed for the future. And resilience is the ability to be honest about this and to allow yourself to grieve, if you need to, for whatever may have been lost during that difficult time. 

Resilience can also be the recognition that you need to take time out of life for a while and focus on caring for or rebuilding yourself. The idea of ‘inner strength’ and ‘carrying on’ are not always the healthiest way to deal with the challenges that life throws at us. Why should we contain our anger at the things that are unfair or unjustified? Why must we hide our tears or sadness when we are heartbroken? Why can’t we tell people that we need time, patience and kindness whilst we find our way through difficulties? Resilience can be messy, chaotic and uncertain. 

Human beings carry an enormous capability for being resilient, we have the desire to persist and live and survive even in the harshest circumstances. But, if we continue to believe the myth of resilience as bouncing back unchanged, we may struggle to accept how our challenges reshape us and all the messy emotions that come with that.