How to rebuild self-worth and confidence

I speak to so many women who struggle to see themselves with kindness. 

They look in the mirror and see their weight, their stomach, their legs, their hair, their nose, their skin or the signs of getting older. They notice what they believe is wrong before they notice everything that is right. And sometimes I find myself thinking: I wish you could see what I see.

I don't just see the things you criticise when you look in the mirror. I see the woman who gets up every morning and goes to work. I see the mum trying to hold everything together for her family. I see the young woman at college wondering whether she is good enough. I see the single parent carrying responsibilities others may never fully understand. I see beautiful smiles, eyes that light up when someone talks about something they love, kindness, humour, determination and strength.

Yet low self-esteem can quietly begin to restrict a life.

You might not apply for the job because you don't believe you're capable enough. You might walk into a room already believing everyone else looks better than you. You might avoid photographs, social occasions, dating, speaking up at work or trying something new. You may compare yourself with other women without ever knowing what they are struggling with behind closed doors.

Eventually, confidence can become much more than how we feel about our appearance. It can affect our relationships, boundaries, careers, friendships and the choices we believe we are entitled to make.

Your body is more than something to judge

Our bodies do so much more than simply exist to be looked at. They walk, carry, work, rest, embrace the people we love and take us through every stage of our lives.

They change. We grow older. Our shape may change after children, illness, stress, grief or simply because we are human. Yet we can speak to ourselves with a cruelty we would probably never use towards another person.

Imagine saying some of the things you tell yourself in the mirror to somebody you love.

Would you tell your daughter she isn't worthy because of the size of her body? Would you tell your friend that a line on her face makes her less beautiful? Would you tell another woman she shouldn't apply for a job because someone else might be more confident?

Probably not.

So why has it become acceptable to say these things to ourselves?

Recognising your strength after difficult experiences

When tragedy, trauma, grief or an unexpected change pulls the security from underneath us, we often don't have time to think about confidence or self-esteem.

We simply survive. We get through the day. We look after children. We go to work. We attend appointments. We make difficult decisions. Sometimes we cry and carry on. Sometimes we feel angry. Sometimes we feel completely exhausted.

And somehow we keep moving.

Then, when the dust begins to settle, we can forget just how much strength that took.

You may not feel strong while you are surviving something. But strength doesn't always feel powerful. Sometimes strength looks like getting out of bed. Sometimes it is asking for help. Sometimes it is saying no. Sometimes it is leaving. Sometimes it is staying still long enough to admit, I'm struggling. And sometimes strength is simply coming back tomorrow.

How comparison can affect self-esteem

Social media can make comparison incredibly easy.

We see carefully chosen photographs, beautiful homes, successful careers, perfect families, perfect bodies and smiling faces. But we are seeing a moment. An image. A version of somebody's life that they have chosen to share.

Then we compare that image with the parts of ourselves we feel most insecure about.

That isn't a fair comparison.

Let yourself be human

Self-worth doesn't mean waking up every morning feeling confident and positive. You are allowed to have difficult days. If you need to cry, cry. If you're angry, acknowledge the anger and become curious about what it is telling you. If you're exhausted, rest without calling yourself lazy. If you don't get the job, allow yourself to be disappointed. Then come back when you're ready, learn what you can and try again.

You don't need to punish yourself every time life doesn't go to plan.

Acceptance is not giving up.

Sometimes acceptance is saying: 

This is where I am today. This is how I feel today. And I am still worthy.

Why boundaries and self-respect matter

For women who spend so much of their lives caring for other people, boundaries and self-respect can feel uncomfortable. But valuing yourself doesn't mean valuing other people less. When children see their mum resting, setting boundaries, pursuing something she enjoys, speaking respectfully about her body and recognising her own needs, they learn something important.

They learn that Mum matters too.

And perhaps that teaches them that one day, they are allowed to matter too. 

How counselling can help rebuild self-worth

Sometimes low self-esteem develops over years. It may come from criticism, bullying, difficult relationships, rejection, childhood experiences, abuse, or repeatedly being made to feel that you weren't quite enough.

Counselling can offer somewhere to begin understanding where that critical voice came from, rather than simply accepting everything it tells you as truth. It can be a place to explore confidence, boundaries, relationships, identity and the way you speak to yourself.

Not because you need to become somebody different. Perhaps the work is beginning to recognise the person who has been there all along.

So if you struggle to see your own worth, I hope one day you can begin to see what the people who care about you may already see.

Not perfection. A real woman. A whole person.

Someone who has loved, struggled, worked, survived, learnt, changed and kept going.

Whatever your shape, size, age or stage of life, be kind to yourself; be proud of how far you have come. Take up your space.