Do parents need to sacrifice their happiness?

A long-time friend recently came to me with a story that stayed with me.

He had taken his young son to see a child psychologist because he was having some difficulties with schoolmates. After speaking with the child, the psychologist reassured him that there was nothing particularly concerning.

But then she said she wanted to talk to him about something else.

His son was sad because he could see that his father was sad.

That simple observation struck my friend deeply.

He had always tried to give his family a happy, secure life and provide his children with the best opportunities he could. But for years, he had been unhappy with his career, staying in it because he believed that was what he needed to do for his family.

When the psychologist told him that his son could see his unhappiness, something shifted. It was as if something he had known for a long time, but had managed to keep at a distance through rational thinking, had suddenly become impossible to ignore.

The sacrifices he had made to give his children a good life were not necessarily producing the outcome he had hoped for.

He could provide opportunities and material security. But his son could still see something much more fundamental: his father was not happy.

And perhaps that mattered more than all the things his father was able to provide.

Why parents can feel pressure to sacrifice

This became a turning point.

He contacted me because what had happened pushed him to finally take action. He asked for advice on how to seek therapy and what kind of professional might best help him understand what had kept him in a career that hadn't suited him for a long time, and why he had found it so difficult to change.

In a sense, his son had shown him something he had been unable to see clearly himself. It was something very simple, yet something years of reasoning had covered up. He had believed he was doing the right thing.

And this is perhaps where the story becomes interesting beyond this particular circumstance.

It made me reflect on the choices we make in life and, perhaps even more importantly, on the beliefs behind those choices.

One of them is that being a good parent means sacrificing yourself for your children.

Of course, parenthood involves sacrifice. Sometimes children's needs have to come before your own. This is an inevitable and often meaningful part of being a parent.

But there is a difference between making sacrifices and abandoning oneself.

Is it really worth doing it just for them?

This story made me question the assumption that sacrificing our own fulfilment is necessarily beneficial to our children.

In my previous career, I often heard colleagues say something similar, asking, “Why do we do all of this?" and the answer being "For the children.”

There is something very revealing in that sentence. It reflects a belief deeply rooted in our culture: that working hard, pursuing financial success, and giving up parts of ourselves is good and right if it allows children to have a better life.

But is it really worth doing all this for them if, in the process, we lose ourselves?

Perhaps, sometimes, the opposite can be true.

Children can sometimes pick up on the emotional states of the adults around them. A young child may not understand exactly why a parent is unhappy, but they may sense that something is wrong.

This raises an uncomfortable question: What if giving everything to children, while giving up ourselves in the process, doesn't actually make them happier?

Parents can provide their children with excellent schools, clothes, technology, sports, toys, birthday parties, holidays, extracurricular activities and countless opportunities.

But material opportunities are only one part of a child's experience of family life.

Parenting, mental health and the pressure to provide

I wonder whether part of this comes from a belief passed down through generations: that a good parent is one who works hard, earns enough money, and gives their children more than they themselves had.

For some previous generations, providing financial and material security may have been especially important in giving their children opportunities and a better life.

Today, many parents can face a different kind of pressure: not simply to provide for their children's needs, but to provide everything.

For many families, the question is no longer simply how to provide the basics. Instead, there can be enormous pressure to provide everything.

The right clothes. The right technology. The right school. Sports. Music. Languages. Tutors. Activities. Training. Holidays. Experiences. Birthday parties. 

The list can seem endless.

Providing all of this can require parents to work long hours, stay in unfulfilling careers, and spend less time doing the things that make them feel alive.

This can affect parental wellbeing and mental health. When career dissatisfaction, financial pressure and the demands of modern parenting accumulate over years, it can become difficult to recognise where responsibility ends and self-sacrifice begins.

What do children need from their parents?

I am not convinced that children necessarily need parents who give them everything.

Perhaps they need something harder to quantify, like parents who are emotionally present and able to connect with them, who have interests, passions, and relationships of their own. Parents who can show them what it means to grow, change, struggle and pursue something meaningful. 

Perhaps one of the greatest things a parent can give their children is not simply the life they build for them, but the example they set by building a meaningful life alongside them.

This doesn't mean that parents should never put their children's needs first.

It means they should be careful not to make parenthood the only meaning of their lives.

A parent who chooses to change an unfulfilling career, pursue a long-neglected passion, develop relationships or simply create more space for themselves is not necessarily taking something away from their children.

They may actually be showing them something valuable.

That their own life matters too.

Finding fulfilment while raising a family

This is maybe one of the challenges facing modern parents: how do parents support their children's journey without feeling they have to give up their own?

These questions can become especially important when someone has felt career dissatisfaction for years but feels unable to change because of their responsibilities to their family.

Sometimes the issue is not simply whether to change jobs or careers. It may involve exploring deeply held beliefs about success, responsibility, money, sacrifice and what it means to be a good parent.

There is no simple answer, but self-awareness can be an important starting point.

Therapy can provide a space to examine beliefs people have inherited about work, success, responsibility, and parenthood. It can help distinguish genuine responsibilities from assumptions accepted without question.

Exploring these beliefs may raise questions about whether fear also shapes a sense of responsibility, or whether sacrifice has made it hard to give yourself permission to change.

Can therapy help with parental stress and fulfilment?

For parents struggling with parental stress, career dissatisfaction or an ongoing sense that something is missing from their lives, therapy can offer an opportunity to step back and look at the bigger picture. The aim is not to tell someone what decision to make, but to create enough space to ask better questions.

My friend's young son could not solve his father's career dilemma. He simply reflected something back to him. But that reflection was enough to make him stop and look at his own life, and finally take action.