The myth of being lovable only if you're perfect

Do you ever feel like you're only lovable when everything looks good on the outside? It’s like there’s this unspoken rule that says, "Keep the messy bits hidden, only show the world the parts of you that are calm, happy, and polished." For many of us that started when we were young - we learnt showing difficult emotions led to discomfort, anger or rejection from our parents or even friends.

If this feels like you, it's no wonder that as you've grown up, you learnt to stuff down the messy, difficult emotions and only bring the ‘good’ ones to the surface, learnt to only cry alone. We’re told, in subtle ways, that to be loved, we need to be easy, pleasant, and perfect. And this belief? Well, it follows us right into adulthood, into relationships, and for so many of us, into motherhood.

The perfectionism trap in motherhood

If you’re like many mums, you’ve probably noticed this pressure to be perfect gets even stronger when you have kids. There’s this expectation - whether it’s from society, your family, or even yourself - that you should be handling everything without breaking a sweat. You’re supposed to juggle parenting, work, the house, and still have energy left for yourself, right?

But let me tell you something: striving for perfection doesn’t make it easier. In fact, it makes everything so much harder. I’ve seen it happen time and time again, and you’ve probably felt it too - that heavy feeling that comes when you try to do it all, perfectly, and end up feeling completely alone in the process.

Here’s the truth: being perfect doesn’t make you a better mum; it just makes you feel exhausted and disconnected. Because when you’re so busy trying to ‘get it right,’ you miss out on the real moments that matter - the messy, imperfect, beautiful parts of motherhood.

What happens when you let go of perfection

Imagine, just for a moment, what it might feel like to stop trying to be perfect. To show up as you are, even on the days when you’re tired, overwhelmed, and feeling like you’re not doing enough. What if you didn’t have to love every minute of motherhood, or have all the answers, or always keep it together?

When you let go of that pressure, something shifts. You start to realise that it’s okay to be vulnerable, to show your struggles. And the incredible thing? When you do, you’ll find that other mums feel the same way. The more you open up, the more you’ll see that you’re not alone and that real connection comes from sharing the hard stuff, not hiding it.

What actually helps

So, what does help? It’s not about doing more or getting everything right. It’s about finding small ways to reconnect with yourself. Maybe it’s moving your body in a way that feels good, whether that’s a walk, a yoga session, or a quick stretch between the chaos. Maybe it’s journaling to process the emotions swirling around in your head, or taking five minutes of quiet to just breathe.

And most importantly, it’s about asking for help when you need it. Reaching out when things feel heavy and sharing the load. It’s in those moments of vulnerability that we find we don’t have to carry everything on our own - and that motherhood doesn’t have to feel like a solo mission.

These small steps - letting go of perfection, moving your body, being vulnerable - are the very things that help you feel more grounded, more connected, and less alone. And when you start practising them, you’re not just helping yourself; you’re showing your children that it’s okay to be human, to make mistakes, and to ask for support when they need it.

Therapy can help you break free

If you find yourself stuck in the cycle of perfectionism, unsure of how to break free, therapy can be a powerful tool. Working with a therapist can help you uncover where these beliefs about perfectionism came from and, more importantly, help you challenge and change them. Through therapy, you can learn to embrace the messiness of motherhood and let go of the unrealistic standards that are holding you back.

Therapy offers a safe space to explore your emotions without judgement, to work through the fear of being seen as ‘less than perfect,’ and to start building healthier ways of relating to yourself and others. It’s about giving yourself permission to show up as you are, to make mistakes, and to know that you are enough, exactly as you are.

Because here’s the truth: you don’t need to be perfect to be a good mum. In fact, letting go of that belief is the key to becoming more present, more compassionate, and more connected - not just with your family, but with yourself.