Perfectionism: when our high standards hold us back

For many of us growing up, we learnt that success comes from working harder, being better, and achieving more. We learn to measure our self-worth through our achievements, grades, appearance, and expectations. But what happens when our high standards become impossible to meet?

From school grades to career progression, body image to parenting expectations, we are constantly given messages about what we “should” achieve or how we “should” look, or what we “should” do.

Over time, many of us begin to internalise these expectations and hold ourselves to increasingly high standards. We become overwhelmed and burnt out by relentless striving. For some of us, perfectionism creates a barrier, stopping us from living life the way we would like to.

Understanding perfectionism

Perfectionism is a personality trait, determined by excessively high standards for oneself or other people. It is often accompanied by low self-worth and high self-criticism. Perfectionism goes beyond striving to do one's best and learning from mistakes, to unrelenting pressure and an intense fear of failure.

Types of perfectionism

There are three types of perfectionists:

• Self-oriented perfectionists hold unrealistic, high standards for themselves. They may be particularly critical of themselves after a perceived mistake.
• Socially-prescribed perfectionists may experience a sense that it is other people who demand perfection from them. They may feel judged by others if they don’t live up to expectations.
• Other-orientated perfectionists may hold other people to high standards, which they just cannot meet. People may feel let down by others or unable to rely on others to meet their expectations.

People may notice different aspects of these types present at different times in their lives. Perhaps perfectionism shows up in some areas more than others; for example, they feel it more in their career than in their relationships.

What does perfectionism look like?

A need for complete perfection in our lives can actually be a barrier to us achieving our goals. Here is how:

Fear of failure

Fear of failure stops us from engaging in the things we would like to do. Perhaps it feels safer not to try, rather than fail and feel those uncomfortable feelings, like judgment or shame.

Self-sabotage

Sabotaging occurs when the fear of failure is so intense that a person sabotages their chances of success. This may look like procrastinating until it is too late to adequately prepare, refusing to accept help on a task, or setting a goal that is completely unrealistic, so success was never possible.

Rigid thinking

Rigid thinking and intense focus on detail can reduce creative capacity, meaning there is less room for trying new things or thinking outside of the box.

Difficulty delegating

Difficulty delegating jobs and tasks can mean a person holds all the responsibility for completion. They become overwhelmed, time-pressured, and it delays completion, or reduces the quality of the end product.

Perfection paralysis

Perfection paralysis is when a person becomes so overwhelmed with their high standards and pressure that they struggle to make decisions or plan moving forward.

How perfectionism can affect well-being

What’s more, perfectionism can affect our well-being.

Perfectionists can experience anxiety, depression, or low self-esteem as their self-worth can be tied up in achievements, accomplishments, and the views of others. People often hold themselves to such high standards it is impossible for them to meet them. They might then berate or criticise themselves for this.

On top of this, people may experience emotional perfectionism. This is when they hold harsh rules that they ‘should be able to cope’, they ‘shouldn’t need help’. These rules don’t help us to notice our feelings, but actually lead to further anxiety or low mood. This is particularly problematic when we need to seek help from another. 

Overcoming perfectionism

Like most things, having a good understanding of what is going on is a good place to start. Psychological formulation can be a helpful process to do this. Mindful approaches can help us to notice our mind, noticing the spotlight on the imperfections, and redirect it to a more compassionate position. Compassion and acceptance are helpful in moving towards a place of ‘good enough’.

For a lot of us, we have been thinking this way for a long time, and starting to hold our perfectionism beliefs a little lighter can feel frightening. This is the time to be gentle with yourself for trying something new. 

Ambition is not the problem here; allowing room for imperfection makes room for creativity, connection and well-being.