The foundation of the strong-willed
To be strong-willed, to possess an iron will, is often considered a virtue. Common sense suggests that a strong-willed person should be unwavering - but unwavering in what exactly?

When we talk about willpower, it seems right to assume that this steadfastness should have something to do with one's intentions and desires. We can take the simplest assumption - a strong-willed person is steadfast in achieving their intentions and brings them to an end at any cost. But such behaviour is difficult to distinguish from banal stubbornness. What’s more, in this formulation it is easy to detect excessive egocentrism, which certainly can not be called a virtue.
To address this, it’s important to clarify that a strong-willed person is steadfast in their intentions but does not cling to them rigidly. This might seem contradictory, but there’s a way to reconcile these ideas.
Respecting your desires
I believe that the foundation of a strong will lies in a deep respect for one's desires. In a deeply rooted belief that they have a right to exist.
It's important to note that it's the opposite of when a person is convinced that their every desire should be granted. No, a person who respects their desires simply believes that they have a right to want what they want and allow it to be. A similar attitude in a sense can be found in various spiritual and meditative practices: a person's awareness of their feelings and impulses, and allowing them to exist, is the basis for letting them go.
But how does one develop such respect for their desires?
The role of parenting in willpower
Such respect is cultivated from early childhood, with its foundation rooted in the parent’s attitude toward their child’s needs and aspirations. At first, one of the parent’s primary roles is to reflect the child’s desires, helping them recognise and affirm their validity on a fundamental level. Naturally, as the child grows, their will becomes more assertive, creating moments when the parent may be unable or unwilling to fulfil every wish. Yet, as we mentioned before, respecting a desire doesn’t mean granting it unconditionally. The key is that the parent refrains from dismissing or suppressing the desire entirely by denying its legitimacy (“Who do you think you are to want that?”).
For example, if a child wants to bang spoons on the table and the noise bothers the parent, the key issue isn’t whether the parent allows or forbids the behaviour. What truly matters is whether the parent acknowledges and validates the child’s right to have such an impulse. This validation doesn’t need to be verbal or explicit, it is often conveyed through tone of voice, facial expressions, and other nonverbal cues. Over time, this recognition becomes internalised, enabling the child to develop a similar respectful attitude toward their own desires.
Now, if we agree that a person fundamentally identifies with their aspirations, then this respectful approach to one’s impulses forms the foundation of what is known as dignity.
Strong will vs. stubbornness
It is this very sense of dignity that forms the foundation of a strong will and nurtures resilience in the face of failures and disappointments. Even when such a person encounters the impossibility of fulfilling their desire, it does not lead them to question their worthiness in wanting it. Their sense of dignity remains untethered from the fulfilment of their desire.
The same cannot be said for someone who clings to their desires, for whom fulfilment is inseparably tied to their sense of self-importance - rather than their sense of dignity.
The difference can be illustrated with a compelling example from Paul Graham’s essay, The Right Kind of Stubbornness, in which he addresses a similar question: successful founders possess determination, but what sets it apart from mere stubbornness? Graham observes that stubborn individuals often resist critical feedback and rigidly cling to their preconceived notions about a problem and its solution. In contrast, determined individuals remain highly receptive to feedback, drawing valuable insights from it and demonstrating a willingness to adapt their methods to achieve their goals.
From our perspective, this difference can be explained by the fact that a stubborn person lacks sufficient faith in the legitimacy of their desires. When faced with criticism of their aspiration - when they are told their desire is unachievable in its current form - they hear a distorted message: you shouldn’t want this; there’s something wrong with you if you think you deserve it. This triggers a counterreaction: I’ll prove to you that I have the right to this desire.
Such a person becomes unwilling to modify their desire, even slightly, and fixates on a rigid, specific way of achieving it. As a result, even if the goal is eventually attained, the person is often burned out by the time they reach it.
Strong will as a virtue
A strong-willed individual, by contrast, has no doubt that their desire is valid. Paradoxically, this makes it easier for them to accept criticism about its current impracticality. Because their intention isn’t at risk of being undermined at its core, they can look deeper into it and uncover a more essential purpose. This allows them to avoid clinging to or defending a rigid form of the desire. Instead, they can transform it without compromising its essence and achieve the goal through an alternative path.
This brings us to the final and most important point. Let me remind you that we initially sought to define strong will as a virtue - a quality that is in harmony with the surrounding world and brings benefit not only to the individual but also to others.
The deeper a person connects with their sense of dignity, the more they begin to realise that the roots of this feeling stem from the world around them. They come to understand that both they and their desires are an integral part of this world, emerging naturally from it. This means that they are not merely fulfilling their desires but co-creating in full harmony with the world, offering themselves and their will as a tool for manifesting something that is meant to come into being. It is on this unshakable foundation that true strong will will exist
