Why do I keep saying yes when I really want to say no?

Have you ever agreed to do something when everything inside you wanted to say no?

Perhaps somebody asked you for a favour and, before you had even given yourself time to think, you heard yourself saying, “Of course.” Afterwards, you may have wondered why you agreed. You might have felt frustrated with yourself, resentful, or simply exhausted at the thought of yet another thing you have committed yourself to.

For some people, saying no can feel surprisingly difficult. We often describe this as people-pleasing, but beneath that behaviour, much more may be going on.

Why can saying no be so difficult?

One reason may be a lack of self-confidence or low self-esteem.

When we don't feel confident in ourselves, it can be difficult to express what we really want. We may worry about disappointing somebody, upsetting them or being thought of as selfish. We might fear that saying no will change how another person thinks of us.

It can therefore feel much safer to say yes. The problem is that when this happens repeatedly, we can begin to lose sight of what we actually want. Instead of asking ourselves, “Do I want to do this?”, our first thought might be, “What does this person want from me?”

When everybody else's needs come first

Continually putting other people's needs before your own can reinforce a feeling that you are somehow less important. Your own feelings, wishes and needs become pushed further and further down the list. Over time, this can develop into a cycle.

Low self-esteem can make it difficult to say no. You therefore continue putting other people first. This can leave you feeling unimportant, which can further affect your self-esteem.

Eventually, saying yes can become almost automatic. You might even become known as the person everybody can rely upon. On the outside, you may appear helpful, capable and willing. Inside, however, you may feel exhausted, overlooked or resentful. You may also wonder why nobody seems to consider what you need.

Saying no doesn't mean you don't care

There is an important difference between caring about other people and believing that their needs must always come before your own.

Learning to say no doesn't mean becoming uncaring or selfish. It can simply mean beginning to recognise that your needs are important too. This can feel uncomfortable, particularly if you have spent many years putting other people first.

Rather than asking, “How can I get better at saying no?”, it may be helpful to consider the following question: “Why do I find it so difficult to believe that I am allowed to say no?” Our patterns don't appear from nowhere. Sometimes exploring where our beliefs about ourselves developed can help us understand why certain situations feel so difficult today.

Developing self-belief

An important part of making changes is developing self-belief. If you don't believe that your feelings, opinions and needs have value, setting boundaries can feel extremely difficult.

Beginning to recognise your own strengths can gradually help you see yourself differently. You may start to understand that having your own needs doesn't make you selfish and that another person's disappointment doesn't automatically mean you have done something wrong.

Change can begin slowly. You might start by giving yourself time before responding to a request. Instead of immediately saying yes, you could say, “Let me think about that and come back to you.”

That small pause gives you an opportunity to ask yourself a question you may not be used to asking: “What do I actually want?”

How can counselling help?

Counselling can provide a safe, confidential and non-judgemental space to explore why putting yourself first feels so difficult. A counsellor isn't there to tell you that you need to start saying no. Instead, counselling can help you understand yourself and the patterns you may have developed.

Part of this work can involve helping you recognise your own strengths and qualities, particularly when you find those strengths difficult to see for yourself. Being genuinely listened to can also provide an opportunity to hear your own thoughts and feelings more clearly.

As self-belief begins to develop, boundaries may gradually start to feel less frightening. You may begin to recognise that you can care about other people without always putting yourself last.

Learning to say no may be more than one small word. It can be part of learning to value yourself, trust your feelings and recognise something very important: You are important too.