The emotional toll of people pleasing on relationships

Do you feel lost in your relationship? A client of mine once said, "Why won't he leave me alone? It appears he doesn't care or love me, but says he does. He says he needs me and can't live without me, but I feel like I am living without myself."

The conversation continued: "I feel like I have always lived for others, and some say don't take everything so personally, but I always have and I don't know how to change. It is so deep-rooted, I think".  

"I ask myself, 'Is there something wrong with me?' as I have felt like this all of my life, and all I have wanted to do is make others happy. I now realise that trying to make others happy before me has come at the expense of my self-worth, and I never felt appreciated. The need in me to make others happy so that I can be happy feels so normal and right".

Can you relate to this?

The hidden cost of people pleasing

My client, like many others, was a people pleaser for so long and didn't realise until coming for therapy that this was a way of keeping themselves safe. This kind of coping mechanism can have long-term consequences, including:

• low confidence
• chronic stress and anxiety
• recurrent depressive episodes
• overthinking and difficulty making decisions
• feelings of guilt, isolation, and loneliness
• suppressed anger due to fear of letting emotions out

Over the years, many of my clients have told me this has led them to self-harm, such as:

• substance misuse
• nail-biting
• excessive tattoos
• smoking
• unhealthy sexual relationships
• thoughts of suicide

This experience is common among people-pleasers who have spent their lives prioritising others' happiness at the expense of their well-being. For many, this behaviour stems from early conditioning, where love and acceptance were tied to being accommodating and agreeable.

So, why won't your ex-partner or current partner let you go? Why won't they leave you alone? Are you confused about letting him/her go? Recognising the connection between people-pleasing and emotional distress is the first step toward healing.

Reflecting on your relationship dynamics

The constant pressure to meet another person’s needs often leaves them questioning their identity. If you're struggling to detach from a partner who won’t let you go, ask yourself:

• Do you constantly try to please them? Have their dinner ready, and keep things as they would like them to be at home?
• When you met them, were things different?
• Do you feel supported and cared for?
• Who has got power over your life?
• Are you the main character in your life? Some say no, their children or others are the main characters in their lives.

These questions help uncover whether the relationship is built on genuine love or a cycle of codependency.

Let's think about self-love for a moment. Love is not something we give or get, it is something we nurture and grow, a connection that can be cultivated between two people. We can only love others as much as we love ourselves otherwise, we are in constant need of approval or acceptance and could quite easily become co-dependent and settle for less than we deserve.

We can only love others as much as we love ourselves. Without self-worth, we may settle for less than we deserve, constantly seeking approval and acceptance. This can easily lead to unhealthy dependence on a partner and the erosion of personal identity.

How people pleasing can impact relationships

People pleasing can create a dangerous dynamic in relationships, especially when paired with a manipulative or abusive partner. The tendency to prioritise others' needs over one's own can make people-pleasers vulnerable to exploitation. In abusive relationships, perpetrators may deliberately seek out individuals who exhibit people-pleasing tendencies, knowing they are less likely to resist or set boundaries. Over time, this can lead to isolation, and the people pleaser sacrifices connections with family and friends to appease the abuser.  It's a heartbreaking cycle that underscores the importance of fostering self-worth and learning to set healthy boundaries.

Furthermore, in a healthier relationship, people pleasing can create a communication gap, where one partner suppresses their true thoughts and feelings to avoid conflict or disappointment. Over time, this can lead to misunderstandings, frustration, and even emotional disconnection. The receiving partner may struggle to understand what their people-pleasing partner truly wants, leading to confusion. This can erode trust and intimacy, making it difficult for both individuals to feel seen and validated. Several studies suggest that people pleasing can lead to burnout, as the individual constantly sacrifices their own needs.

How therapy can help

Therapy can be a lifeline here, helping individuals recognise these patterns and rebuild their sense of self. It can provide tools to navigate relationships more assertively and safely. Additionally, therapy can be a powerful tool, transforming people pleasers, helping them to recognise their patterns and build confidence in expressing their needs, whether navigating an abusive relationship or simply trying to build healthier dynamics with loved ones. It provides a safe space to unpack deep-rooted patterns and develop essential skills like setting boundaries, increasing self-esteem, and learning to say no.

Many people-pleasers struggle with asserting their needs due to the fear of rejection or conflict.

Therapy helps reframe these fears, allowing individuals to recognise their worth beyond external invalidation. 

Additionally, therapy can guide people-pleasers in identifying their desires and values.

• Integrative therapy is fantastic for people pleasers, as it is truly holistic and empowering because it combines multiple therapeutic techniques tailored to the individual's needs.
• Person-centred therapy ensures that the client feels heard and valued, reinforcing the autonomy of self-worth.  This is crucial for people pleasers, who often struggle with asserting their own needs.
• Psychodynamic therapy helps uncover deep-rooted patterns, exploring how past experiences shape current behaviours-especially the tendency to prioritise others over oneself.
• Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) provides practical tools to challenge and change unhelpful thought patterns, helping people-pleasers build confidence in setting boundaries and saying no without guilt.

This integrative approach allows for self-discovery, emotional healing, and behavioural change, making it a powerful tool for breaking free from people-pleasing tendencies.