End of may, start of will

We all have hopes, dreams and expectations. Ideas and things we are told to do, feel we should or even actually want to do, but still don't. Sometimes we need to hit rock bottom before we are given no choice other than to start climbing back up. But do things really need to get that bad first?

Being a therapist doesn't provide magic answers for the conundrums in my life or the lives of others – just tools and alternative perceptions. My latest book on therapy has a fictional client, called Mika, who faces a number of action dilemmas. For Mika, it is time to change her mindset, end her "mays" and replace them with "wills".

Which may?

Every one of us has a number of mays we could turn into wills. Chores around the house, paperwork, gardening, messages to write, accounts to calculate, DIY, cooking, and cleaning the shower tile grouting. I'm sure you can add more of your own. The point is, as long as we keep them as mays rather than wills, they won't get done. They just stay there, weighing us down like extra luggage, draining our energy, without any resolution or benefit.

Which may? Before choosing the may to focus on, first write a list of every may weighing you down, including the rewards completing each will bring. The list might be longer than you expect. Reading it through helps to take in just how much excess baggage you are carrying.

Once listed, grade the mays for importance, from 1 to 10. Now, focus on the highest graded ones first. Select the one you can most easily or most want to complete first. Only one? Yes, just one. I'll explain why.

Manageable may

If our chosen may is too big to achieve in a day, for example, decorating our entire home, break it down into manageable mays, such as by individual rooms or sections. Make them tasks you can complete within a day, half a day or whatever your chosen time frame, but never more than a day. Focusing on the psychologically fewer hours rather than the whole day can often make a task feel more achievable, even though the overall goal remains the same.

Why did I say not to allow the chosen may to become longer than a day? Because we are building reward cycles here. We need to go to bed on a positive, completed reward cycle – not something that became unmanageable within a day, so it is only partially completed.

It would leave us without the dopamine hit we could otherwise use to inspire us the next day. Waking up to face yet another partially completed task can take us right back to where we started. Sometimes it is unavoidable. If it happens, don't beat yourself up. Learn from it, re-evaluate the task breakdown, and, if necessary, break down the remaining parts of it differently, so they are manageable.

Remember, the longest journey starts with the first step, no matter how small that step. As long as each step gets completed, one by one, so will the journey. However, if any step is too big to manage, so will the journey be and there it will end. Keep your tasks manageable.

Tackling mays

The point of tackling a may is to get it done and get its baggage gone. Now we have chosen our first may, broken down into as many steps as required to deem it manageable, it is time to tell ourselves when to do it.

“I will do this today or tomorrow” – and stick to it. Be disciplined. Yes, it is a mindset thing, as is so much in life. You have to want to do this. Have to want and choose to go from may to will.

The first time will be the hardest – for mindset changes, it always is. We are creatures of habit. Our basic brain considers that the safest and most comfortable behaviour, because change can bring risk. In reality, the risks are almost always imaginary, in every sense except the time and energy we waste on them. While it can be hard to go from may to will, there are rewards when we do. We know them. We wrote them down.

End of may rewards

We all need reward cycles to help us feel good. Dopamine, even endorphin, hits from completion, as well as the rewards the completion itself brings, are all wins. Every win reinforces the message that the tasks are worth doing, increasing inspiration and drive for the next. Remind yourself of the task's rewards before starting and use these as a motivator to both start and complete it. Even if the reward is nothing more than getting rid of that particular baggage, that is still a win.

Be kind to yourself

Now that the first may has been completed, go to the next highest and schedule that. Work your way through your list, ticking off each one when you're done. If you need to take a break from starting another or reach the point where you want to make a revised list, do it. Be kind to yourself. You are doing this because you want to. Because you value the benefits of doing so and want to improve your life.

Example mays

To help get you started, let me lead by example. These are mine that will be completed today:

3D modelling will be learned for an hour

Reward: whatever I will learn in that hour will get me an hour closer to 3D-printing the airbox for my car.

Gardening will be done for an hour

Reward: it will look better, trees will be healthier, and clients will smile when they see it.

Matthew will be phoned for an hour or more

Reward: Have been meaning to call my old friend for ages, and we always have fun chats. Will be great talking with him.

I will go to bed by 11 pm

Reward: even if unable to get to sleep quickly, I will have started my action for earlier nights and more productive mornings.

May is "meh", will wins

As Mika now knows, it is better to do and go forward than not and stay stuck. There is no more value in may or maybe than there is in endlessly lugging a suitcase of excess baggage around, with wheels now breaking from the weight. Change your focus to will, and you will lighten your load, making space for the things you really want in your life. With all the happiness, benefits and smiles this brings.